Knowledge

It is funny how knowledge can influence our daily lives. For most of the day I was preoccuppied with the uncertainty of whether or not I was pregnant. Yesterday I didn't mind waiting a little while longer to find out. But today, my patience had evaporated. It didn't help that I was feeling a little queasy for most of the day (including, of course, the morning).

I did, however, manage to have a terrific meeting with PA where some exciting project ideas were discussed. I have much reading to do now! Luckily my pregnancy preoccupation did not hinder my brain in the meeting. The same thing cannot be said for the remainder of my day. I couldn't even make my way through a 2 paged "letter" from a journal.

On the way home from work, the husband and I picked up a home pregnancy test. My dear husband prepared dinner for us while I went and did the test.

In clear digital letters on the results window it said "Not pregnant."

I went to show my husband the results. He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. We were both sad.

The truth is, we both want to have a baby, I've just been too scared and too worried to actually admit that. There are other truths that might prevent us from ever having our own children, including my husband being exposed to radiation at a nuclear power plant several years back. I've always wondered if I might not be able to conceive as some cruel joke because of all the years I spent trying so hard not to get pregnant.

After talking things over some more, we decided that we weren't going to try and prevent a pregnancy anymore. I guess this means we are trying to get pregnant, but not agressively. I still wonder if I'll lay awake in bed at night terrified of the consequences of this choice.

And then I think, "Wow! A baby!"

A little bit of knowledge from a home pregnancy test gave me a lot more insight into what I was really feeling. The future is still uncertain, but at least I'm not the one keeping this one aspect from moving forward anymore.

Who knows what will happen next, or how I'll feel tomorrow? I will just try to think of it as an adventure - advice given to me by a really smart friend. Adventures are not nearly as worrisome.