Mental marathon

I have run a real marathon - the 26.2 mile kind. It was hard, exhausting, and emotional - but I knew I had trained enough, and I knew it was a finite experience. There was a distinct finish line. Although it was probably one of the most incredible and fantastic experiences of my life, I doubt I will ever run another.

Lately I've started to feel like I'm "hitting the wall" mentally. In long distance running, you "hit the wall" when you deplete all your carb stores/electrolytes - you literally run out of free energy in your body. If you don't give yourself some fuel, you risk eating away at yourself instead. That's why distance runners usually have sports drinks, or energy gels - to prevent hitting the wall. I don't know what to take to prevent hitting my mental wall.

Academia seems like a never ending mental marathon - it is probably the only career that allows you to continually learn in very large magnitudes. It is the closest thing to being a perpetual student. I really do enjoy learning. I can't imagine not having the time or energy to accumulate more knowledge and understanding of how the world works. And yet, it feels like my brain is reaching maximum capacity. I worry that every new bit of information going in will push some other bit of information out. Soon I won't remember how to tie my shoes. Good thing I mostly wear slip-on footwear.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I began to struggle with my career path while completing my PhD. I had been to a career counsellor, and we ended up deciding that I would use my time here at fantastic U to explore my options. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud. I managed to secure a nice fellowship for my postdoc, but I wonder if I would have been given the fellowship if the granting agency had known that I have doubts about continuing in academia. I also haven't been putting in much effort to explore other career options. I think I just didn't know where to start, and the thought of leaving this path is very scary. But staying on this path is draining me.

I went to a seminar this week for postdocs looking for their dream job. The speaker acknowledged that of all the PhD's that are granted in the US, only about 12% will secure facutly positions. So what other careers are there for PhD holders? The speaker listed off all the various jobs that her grad school cohort now held. There was one facutly member, but the rest ranged from patent lawyers/associates, policy makers, industry, navy, writers/editors, to jobs like the speaker's that involved more service to the masses, and people. It was relieving to hear so many options. And so many that didn't seem like a step down from the all holy faculty position.

I am waiting for my copy of "Put Your Science to Work" to arrive today. I hope it will help me begin to explore more conretely the options available to me.

Wish me luck!