Some days are better than others
Sadly, today is not one of the better days. There is no particular reason why. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. The day before that I was feeling a bit blue. It's like a constant roller coaster that I'm hoping is just caused by pregnancy hormones and a little bit of anxiety.
Thank-you, by the way, for all the kind words and support - it really does make a difference and cheer me up.
I think today I just feel helpless. Sometimes no matter what I try to do to make myself more physically comfortable at work or at home, my back starts killing me. Then I wonder how I'm supposed to make it until February 21st when I'll be 36 weeks and ready to test for the wee one's lung maturity. And then I feel selfish for thinking about my own discomfort when I know I'd go through much worse if it meant the wee one would have better chances of being okay. And yet I'm guiltily glad that I likely won't have to endure much more than 6 weeks of feeling how I do right now.
But then a whole other roller coaster will begin. And I'm just so scared. It has me in tears.
I know there's really nothing the doctors can tell me right now, it's still all "wait and see" - and not knowing what I need to prepare for once the wee one is born is so much more difficult than I had anticipated. I feel completely overwhelmed. Not only do I have to learn how to take care of a newborn (in the best case scenario), but I also need to learn how to take care of an infant with special needs (even if that just means knowing all the warning signs of shunt malfunction or infection). But how will I know what "normal" is for my child? And all the specialists are over an hour away from where we live...
I'm just really feeling the weight of it all today - despite knowing that there are others out there with much bigger struggles than I am facing. I wish I had their strength and grace.
4 comments:
I think you've displayed stunning strength, grace and hope throughout your pregnancy. Having not been pregnant personally, I still understand there is a limit to what a woman can tolerate from hormones and uncertainty and sheer, terrible discomfort. You're already a brilliant mother - taking every step possible to help the wee one and finding joy in the baby's growth. You always have my very best wishes and I am sorry that it's hard today. But you're amazing - I have every faith that you'll bounce back and finish this pregnancy as beautifully as you've done all along.
Thank-you Katie :)
I am feeling much better today - perhaps just letting it all out did some good. I still don't feel all that strong or graceful - but I'll take your word for it! :)
I'm not sure that anything I can say will make you feel better, but I hope that you can take this to heart.
1) There is not a single pregnant lady out there who hasn't at one point or another secretly (and guiltily) wished their pregnancy would end just a little bit sooner. You don't have to feel gulity about wishing that you weren't uncomfortable. It's completely normal.
2) I know it's terrifying to think that you're going to be learning how to care for an infant, but it's actually mostly just stressful in retrospect. You will have your beautiful child to love and sing to, and you will joyfully care for it. And Daddy will be there to help you through it, too.
3) I can't imagine how stressful it is to worry about the wee one's health, but you have wonderful doctors who are prepared to do anything to give you the best possible outcome. And I hope that's some comfort.
*hugs*
I hope today is a better day.
Well, I think you have every right to be nervous, and uncomfortable, and anxious ... and excited, and happy, and impatient, all at the same time, or minute by minute if you want!
Dude, being pregnant is HARD. It's uncomfortable and the hormones are insane. Plus, you're dealing with some real uncertainties about the wee one's health on top of being about to become a first-time mom.
I think you're doing just so well, just like post-doc says!
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