Tuning out my mom

I love my mom, I really do. I think she's a wonderful person, and I have so much love and respect for her.

But sometimes I have to tune out some of the things she says to me - even though I know that her heart is in the right place.

She means well, but it can sometimes come off as though she is talking down to me, about a lesson I have yet to learn, or a lifestyle change I have yet to make. It ends up making my mind spin for hours, days, even weeks sometimes after the conversation has ended.

Last night I was talking to her on the phone and some family friends became the topic of discussion. I mused about how this couple, the same age as myself, but with two little ones aged 2 and less than 1, seemed so mobile and willing to travel often to visit folks, despite the van load they have to bring along with them wherever they go. I figured, and have been told, that when you have little ones people generally go out of their way to visit you, rather than the other way around. But this couple, don't seem to mind the chaos and fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants schedule that traveling with little ones entails (as amply demonstrated by their stay with Mr. Daybyday and I back in the summer).

My mom said that it was because this couple was very adaptable. But instead of reassuring me that I too would become adaptable, I felt more like she was telling me that I was in for a big shock once my wee one arrives. I tried pleading my case, that this couple had a higher tolerance for chaos before they had children (I've known them a long time), and that I am sure I would become more comfortable with the disorder myself when the time comes, but that this couple still had personality traits beyond mine, and so I would probably never be quite as "adaptable" as they are. But my mom just sort of laughed that off and I started to tune her out. We agreed that I am too worried about being in control of things (well, more like she said that and I responded with "mm hmm" and then tried to change the topic).

I know she is probably right. But I also know that I function better when things are more orderly than disorderly. For instance, I enjoy my time at home more when the house is relatively tidy (I'm not energetic enough to keep it actually "clean" most of the time) - I try to keep my piles of crap some what neat-looking, and prevent the carpet from accumulating so much cat hair that I can no longer find the cats. Spotless wouldn't bother me, but I would rather spend the time doing other things.

The friends I was talking about earlier do not live in filth either, but they have (what is to me) considerably more disorder. They probably know what pile or unmarked box has the item they are searching for, but for me, that would end up stressing me out until I finally would break down and organize/label the damned box.

I was feeling pretty dark about this whole thing after the conversation with my mom - almost resentful towards the appreciation my mom seemed to have for the "adaptability" of this other couple - but I feel much better now that I've written about it and gotten it out of my head.

I'm sure things will change once the wee one comes. Even before I knew about the wee one I sort of felt that I should learn how to give up control of some things. But how the heck does one go about doing that? Telling me to "just do it" only results in a "does not compute" error.

Feeling peppy(er)

I still have moments that are pretty dark, but overall (and the majority of the time) I am feeling happier.

I've been in touch with several specialists (including one of the nation's pioneers in fetal hydrocephalus treatment - thanks again Katie for the supberb networking!), so at least now I sort of feel like I've exhausted all my resources. I've done just about everything I can think of, within my control, at this point in time to educate myself and Mr. Daybyday on what we can do to best help this wee one along. And instead of feeling terribly frustrated that there isn't really much left that I can actually do right now, I feel more calm, and like I have a game plan (even though I know the plan can change depending on how things progress).

So now I can get back to focusing on all the wonderful things about pregnancy, and coo over all the ultrasound pictures I have of wee one (like this other picture, below). Oh, and start getting back into work mode again.



Speaking of which, I really should jump onto some of the new ideas I have for my current research project while this burst of motivation is still upon me!

and now we march

Yesterday's visit with the specialist confirmed the suspected diagnosis: the wee one has hydrocephalus.

Because of all the reading and preparation I had done before this appointment I already knew quite a bit about this condition. But we were still hopeful that maybe somehow the initial sonogram was incorrect. This was not the case, as the hour long level 2 ultrasound confirmed the previous finding.

I was really strong, and did not break down until the very end of the consultation with the perinatologist. At that point, he said to me "It's alright to feel upset. It IS scary, and when parents don't seem upset I usually have to explain things over again because it means that they didn't understand." He also told us that we'd probably feel a lot better once we meet and talk with the pediatric neurosurgeon who would be handling our case once the baby is born, since the surgeon is the person who maintains contact with the families and does all the follow up, even years after. He told us that this particular surgeon has patients with hydrocephalus who are now well into their teens and beyond, so he'll be able to give us a better picture of what to expect down the road. That was comforting news. But we won't be meeting him until next month when we have our next appointment with the specialists to have another ultrasound and monitor the baby's development.

Until then we are grateful that the most recent ultrasound showed no other indications of anything else out of the ordinary - specifically, they looked for other indications that the wee one might have trisomy 13 or 18 (which he said are generally "incompatible with life"). The doctor warned us that things might arise later in development, but at least for now, the rest of the baby looks wonderful. To me, the baby looked perfect.


So now we just do all we can to help the wee one grow big and strong, and give it every chance we can. And try not to have too many break downs while we "wait and see."

Impatience, and messages from the universe

I knew that today would be difficult. Waiting for this specialist appointment tomorrow... I'm going a little stir crazy here at work. I want to get out of here, in the hopes that somehow going home will make tomorrow come sooner.

I did pretty good last night keeping myself content and busy while Mr. Daybyday was away for a few hours. I baked some cookies for a holiday exchange (a yearly tradition between myself and a few friends back home). I decided to try a new recipe ("Orange zingers", with chocolate chips), so I wanted to bake some well ahead of time to see if I liked the recipe. And I do! They are quite yummy (if you are a fan of the orange/chocolate flavor combination, which I am) - so I will be making a few dozen more before the holidays for the annual cookie exchange.

While baking, I was listening to my latest favorite pandora.com radio station (based on a mix of music from the Cranberries, Fall out boy, Nelly Furtado, Shakira, and The Killers), and dancing around with the belly. We had lots of fun. The kitties were quite interested in all the commotion as well - so every now and then I picked them up to dance too. They didn't have as much fun with that.

I enjoy dancing "with" the wee one. It takes my mind off all the scary/sad thoughts, and I just get to enjoy the moment. Maybe that's why I'd rather be home right now instead of sitting here at my desk. But I can't just dance for hours and hours - my back/hips start getting angry if I do.

So I try my best to be patient. And work.

....

And for something mostly unrelated - yesterday something made me google "messages from the universe" and I stumbled upon a really neat email service from www.tut.com that will email you uplifting messages from the universe each weekday!

Now I'm not what you'd call a "religious type" - but I do have a spiritual side, and there are many aspects of spirituality or the super natural that I can have an appreciation for. The reason why I'm even bothering to mention any of this is because of the first "Message from the Universe" email I received today:

Did you know that whenever you whisper, "I'm sorry..." to someone quietly
in your mind, [Day by day], someone over here sheds a tear and
healing begins?

Did you know that whenever you whisper, "Can I help you..." to someone
quietly in your mind, someone over here sheds a tear and an army of angels
are sent?

And, did you know that whenever you whisper, "I love you..." to someone quietly
in your mind, someone over here sheds a tear, healing begins, an army of
angels are sent, and 10,000 bells are rung?

Actually, you even have your own marching band that follows you
everywhere....

I love you,
The Universe

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! �
� www.tut.com �

Hey, I like bells, [Day by day]....

Well, heck, thinking of having my own marching band following me around DID cheer me up - scientific mind be damned. Wee one and I shall go a marching!

Getting better

Well, I've been feeling a lot better lately. The emotions, however, are still very close to the surface. My parents called me this morning just to see how I was doing and to send me their love. It was very sweet, but I got a little choked up by the end of the call, even though I was saying "I'm doing much better."

And I have been feeling a lot better. I sort of came to the realization that no matter what, at the end of this pregnancy, I will have a baby. I don't know how long I will have the baby for, or how the baby will be, but I've seen the wee one on the ultrasound, and he/she is definitely a baby now.

I think I was mixing the fear of the unknown with the fear I had earlier in the pregnancy (I think most women worry, at least a little bit, about miscarriage early on).

So although I worry for the health of the wee one, for now I just try to concentrate my efforts on giving them the most enjoyable inutero experience that I can, and to enjoy this special time I have with him/her myself.

All that being said, I still know that as our appointment with the high risk pregnancy specialist approaches, so too will my anxiety return. Our appointment is on Thursday, so I imagine Wednesday night will be difficult.

But I'll still keep trying to focus on the positive - like enjoying the feeling of the wee one moving about inside my belly as we settle in for the night. I don't mind being kept awake like that - I just think of it as more quality time together :)

New mantra

"Everything will be fine."

The more I hear people tell me this, and the more I repeat it to myself, the more comfort I feel, even if I know that nobody can possibly know for sure.

On Tuesday morning, Mr. Daybyday and I went for a typical second trimester ultrasound. Unfortunately, the measurements made by the sonographer were not completely what expectant parents hope for. The ventricles in our baby's brain appear enlarged. I was shocked and devastated. The doctor who came to talk to us after the ultrasound told us that at this point they really have no idea what it means. Everything else looked great, and they've had another case where things cleared up on their own as the pregnancy progressed.

I know that anything affecting the brain is worrisome - and also terribly hard to predict the outcome. There is just so much that we don't know. I also know that no matter what, I would never consider terminating this pregnancy. I have no religious convictions about that sort of thing, I'm just completely and totally attached to this baby - I would do anything to keep it safe.

And so, we are being sent to specialists to monitor and give us more information on our situation. The specialists are about an hour and a half away from where we live.

It's so scary. And even when I'm having a good moment, the emotions are still right there just below the surface, and come pouring out at the slightest provocation. So I just try not to be alone, and to keep repeating "Everything will be fine."

I look at the pictures we have from the ultrasound, and they make me happier. The baby looks great! And continues to be active, and increasingly more active.

Part of me wishes I could keep the baby inside me forever, to protect it and keep it safe. And yet, I'm still so anxious to meet him/her and to hold them in my arms and kiss the top of their head.

I had been putting off blogging because I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about this, or if I wanted to post about this at all. But sometimes keeping things in makes them harder to deal with.

So for now, I'm just trying to enjoy the moment - I choose to be optimistic, and will try my best to continue living my life as I normally would. I continue to struggle with banishing my worries - but that's where the mantra comes in handy. Also I have to stop researching things on the internet because it just scares me more.

Everything will be fine.