Bit by bit

Often I will come here with the intent to post, and then my mind will suddenly go blank. This is so very odd because my mind is usually SO jammed and packed full of thought fragments (and sometimes full coherent thoughts!) that I feel the only way to hear myself think is to SCREAM OUT LOUD.

For those of you who are computationally inclined, it's like my brain gets all frazzled and dumps a core. A great big, giant core dump. (those core files are really quite huge, and the combination of any word with dump makes my immature self giggle).

So anyway, I've decided to step over the core dump that I have neatly left on the floor that is my mind, and just write SOMETHING. Anything! I just need to keep writing.

So I have 2 items that I'd like to write about now that I've gotten the preliminaries out of the way.

1. Title of this post, and of this blog
2. Running towards ....

So for the first item, I recently (as in, within the last few weeks) found out that Wee One will be having another surgery, relatively soon (within the next few weeks). The day I found out, it was all I could do to hold the tears back. This will be surgery #3 for my baby, and the first surgery since coming home with us from the NICU. I've heard this is actually the hardest one, because it's the first one since she really became MINE (well, technically "ours" as Mr. Daybyday is an equal partner in all of this) and wasn't in the care of the skilled medical professionals in the NICU.

I've had, and continue to have, many days, and moments of utter despair. A great sadness just smothers me sometimes. I know that this surgery is necessary, and I know why they want to do it so soon, and I know that this should help her tremendously - but I'm still SO SCARED. I know she's come through 2 previous surgeries really well. But they still make you sign consent forms that spell out the possible risks. And in the back of my mind, I'm always scared I'll lose my baby under the knife. It is the most terrifying part of it all.

Short of refusing the surgery that I know should help her so much, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change this.

So where does this leave me? And knowing that with her other health issues, subsequent surgeries in the future are much more likely?

It leaves me in a constant state of stress. And I'm not talking about the stress I used to feel. I'm talking about that kind that can sneak up on you even on a good day, and leave you sitting in a puddle of tears. The kind that amplifies every little thing so that everything feels much bigger and heavier than it really is.

I end up spinning my wheels when I think of how I'm going to cope in the long run.

And then a friend said to me "You know, it's cliche, but A.A. does the 'one day at a time' thing because it works when things seem so insurmountable."

And I thought about the name of my blog, and how important it is, for my own sanity, and how I will have to more actively and purposefully think about things in a day by day fashion. If I don't, thinking about the future is just too overwhelming, that I can't get myself through today. And my baby needs her mama to get through today.

I can handle a day.

Point 2 will have to wait until the next post - because now I have to get back to work. So stay tuned!

Half a year

As promised, a post devoted to the Wee One and all that she is at her six month birthday:

• Your favorite activity these days is rolling from your back to your tummy (all on your own!)
• When you are on your tummy, you become frustrated because I think you are trying to crawl, but haven't quite figured out how to yet (you kick and push with all your might, but end up doing an impression of the cutest little flopping fish on land!)
• You've discovered your feet! You now have the flexibility to grasp your toes with your hands
• Sometimes when you toot, you startle yourself! (and it makes mommy and daddy laugh)
• Hearing the laughter of other children makes you giggle - and on occasion, mommy and daddy have been able to coax that same giggle out of you!
• Ms. Kitty is becoming your friend, as she now catches your eye, and you reach to pet her soft fur
• You try to help hold your bottle when we feed you
• You seem to like the pear and carrots+pear baby food that daddy makes for you
• You're not so fond of the baby cereals
• You've learned that if you pretend to cough when we try to feed you or make you do your physical therapy, we'll stop
• While you used to hate diaper time (especially when we first brought you home from the NICU), you now LOVE having your diaper changed, and even hold your feet with your hands to help
• Sometimes you pee in the bath (but so far, no poop!)
• You love talking when you are on the change-table more than anywhere else
• Your repertoire of sounds and vocalizations increases every day - with your latest sound being a comical grunt that you do only when on your tummy, and one that sounds like you're saying "ello"
  
• You still have some wisps of your newborn hair among all the newer growth - giving you longer hair around your ears and at the nape of your neck
• Your newer hair is much lighter than your newborn hair was (morphing from daddy's hair color to mama's)
• All three of your incisions from your surgeries have faded
• You sometimes sleep 7 or 8 hours through the night, but more often you still wake up after 4 or 5 hours to eat
• You are so bright eyed and bushy tailed in the wee hours of the morning when you wake up to start the day (a morning person like daddy!)
• I think you are about to cut your first tooth (bottom, right hand side)
• When you sit in your high chair (though it's not actually high), you look like such a big girl now!
• You love when we play "high-five" - you coo and make all sorts of excited sounds and facial expressions, and kick your feet excitedly too!
• You no longer try to stuff your entire fist in your mouth - instead you prefer your tiny little thumb, but with the rest of your fingers spread out, rather than in a fist (although we try to discourage this after you eat because you tend to gag yourself and that makes you throw up)
  
• You continue to win over all the people you encounter (and with all the specialists and therapist you see, that's a lot of people!)
• If I had to describe you in one word at this time in your life, it would be determined

I still can't believe you're already 6 months old! I remember when I thought this day was forever away. You've been through so much, and you've come so far! It's been a great big adventure for us all!

I feel so lucky to be your mama - I am SO proud of you!

Still here

I'm continually surprised to see ongoing traffic to this, my humble little blog - even when I've been away for long periods of time!

I was even more surprised when I saw that someone visited here from my hometown! (whoever you are from B-town, I'm talking about you!)

Anyway, the Wee One turned 6 months old (!), and when I get the chance, I plan on devoting a post to describe her at this age, so that months from now when memory has faded even more, I'll be able to remember the little things that make me smile so much right now.

But for now, I just wanted to say thank-you for your ongoing patronage, and encouraging words when I need cheering up. And now I must head off to meet my running partner and attempt to lose the left-over baby-belly I still fashion.

Life of a NICU mom - part 2

Astronomom describes a feeling of loss over the "normal" birth experience that could have been. Her words are so on the mark with how I feel, it is uncanny. It's been nearly six months (!) since my wee one was born, and reflecting on my birth experience still saddens me, despite that the wee one is a smiley, wonderful part of my world now.

And it makes me mad that I can't seem to let go of this pain. Why can't I just get over it? So what if there were no balloons, flowers or visitors when wee one was born? So what if the physical separation of mama and baby, along with a case of post partum pre-eclampsia (yes, it happens, apparently) meant I would only get to enjoy the bond of breast feeding so few times? So what if the wee one is now followed regularly by nine specialists and two therapists?

I can sort of understand why some of it is hard to get over. Some things, like the myriad of specialist appointments , tests and therapy sessions for the wee one are ongoing events in my life that completely fill our calendar. For selfish reasons, I wish for normalcy - just well visit check ups with the pediatrician would be such a relief to my worried brain, and my schedule. But most of all I just wish the wee one was healthy enough not to need all of this medical attention - she is such an amazing little person, I wish she didn't have to go through all of this. I wish she could have more time to just be herself. Less poking and prodding.

The lack of breastfeeding sometimes gets to me. I felt like such a failure when I finally gave up pumping. Upon leaving the NICU, the wee one was being breastfed, but I was just barely able to produce the amount she needed. I was put on lasix to manage a sudden sky rocket in my blood pressure postpartum (pre-eclamsia they suspect), and I think that had a negative effect on my milk supply. In any case, we soon discovered that the wee one had feeding difficulties in general (common with some of the medical issues she has), and was losing weight (this was after the initial weight loss after birth, and back up to her birth weight in the hospital - in other words, losing weight at that point was very scary!).

She was then diagnosed with "failure to thrive" - an umbrella term for all those who have difficulty gaining weight. So the doctors had us switch to formula to see if she could gain weight on a diet with known caloric input (can't do that even with breastmilk in the bottle). Of course that's when she started showing increased signs of reflux, so she had to be put on a hypoallergenic formula. Happily, however, she started gaining weight! And she was able to take larger volumes than she had even with breastmilk by bottle.

At the time I was still pumping and storing my milk in the hopes that once we had the reflux and weight gain under control, she might be able to resume breastfeeding. But my supply never increased. She was soon eating double what I could produce. And her feeding therapist said it was a miracle that we were able to get her to feed so well at all and gain any weight, considering all of the wee one's feeding and breathing difficulties. I was worn ragged from all the pumping (either both Mr. Daybyday and I were awake for every single feeding, or I was feeding her and then pumping afterwards which left me with less than 2 hours of sleep at a time between feedings).

I finally decided to stop pumping after my mother stayed with us to help, and I would be crying as I pumped and my mom (or Mr. Daybyday) fed the wee one. I wanted so bad to be holding the wee one instead of watching her while I pumped - and I didn't even know if she'd ever be able to use the breast milk anyway because at that time we didn't know what was causing her reflux (food allergy or physiological problem).

My mom said, "You can't keep this up. It is making you miserable, and I'm worried that it is going to make you sick. Wee one will be better off with a happy and healthy mama than a constantly exhausted and miserable mama with breastmilk." And I knew she was right. But it was still hard to finally decide to give up pumping. It was like I needed permission. I was so worried people would think I was being selfish.

Even now, when people ask me "Are you breastfeeding?" I get really tired of feeling like I have to tell the whole story of why we're not anymore.

Maybe I should change the title of this post to something about breastfeeding, as I've spent so much time here talking about it!

I'm starting to at least get over the sense of loss for the breastfeeding - there are definite perks, like more sleep when Mr. Daybyday handles a feeding through the night on his own. And I'm no longer feeling rushed when I do feed the wee one, because there is no pumping to get done afterwards. So I just get to enjoy feeding my baby. That's how it should be.

I do, however, still feel overwhelmed by all of the ongoing medical stuff. But that's a lot to get into all in one post, so I think I'll finish up here, and leave you, instead, with a recent picture of wee one.


It's hard to be too sad with that happy little face smiling back at me!