Long time no write

Man, it's been crazy. And not the usual holiday crazies.

Wee One had to have another surgery. That makes the grand total 5 now. I'm very happy to report that she did GREAT, and is recovering like a champ (as she always seems to), and we really hope that this is the last one for a looooooong time.

She certainly deserves a break. And I'm looking forward to living in less "crisis mode" too.

Someone used our credit card number for thousands of dollars worth of purchases in another country. Husband discovered this on his birthday, and quickly called the credit card company. They were really great about removing the disputed charges and sending us new cards. But still, not the greatest birthday present to get. It was a fitting end to a terrible week and we decided to give him a do-over next year instead :)

I didn't even come close to finishing the manuscript for the InAdWriMo - but I had a really good meeting with Advisor yesterday about it, and I think it's still showing promise.

It's funny, you'd think after over a month of no posts because I was so strapped for time, that I'd have lots more to write about. You know, like writing about all the things that took up all my time... and yet, I'm drawing a blank. I think that having the Wee One do so well in surgery and recovery sort of makes me just content, and I don't feel like venting as I usually do here.

Getting over things

First off, thank you all for the birthday wishes! A friend of mine from grad school came to visit last weekend and brought some very delicious ice cream for me. She also instructed me NOT to share it with my lab. Who am I to disobey such an order? I gladly shared with her and then finished off the container myself the next day.

Wee One is doing incredibly well after this most recent surgery. I can hardly believe the difference it has made for her already! Now that she isn't struggling to breathe she is actually able to finish a bottle without exhausting herself! This means she's eating MORE than ever before - and that is fantastic news because we've always struggled getting her to eat enough and gain weight. Now she's eating closer to the maximum recommended for someone her size and age! Hurrah!!!

And her social development is just blossoming right now! I think not having to work so hard to breathe is just making everything else easier because she's got so much more energy to devote to other things now :)

It's just amazing, and fantastic, and I love her to pieces.

Work is going much better now - I'm still really hoping to get this manuscript done by the end of November (that's my InAdWriMo goal over on the right panel).

A little while ago (maybe it was last weekend?) I tried pumping again - someone had told me about hormones you can take to stimulate relactation, and with Wee One now feeding so well, I thought maybe, just maybe, I could start nursing her again, if I could start lactating again. Well the Wee One has completely forgotten what nipples are for and just sort of looked at me like "What ARE you doing? Are you trying to smother me???" And Mr. Daybyday just sort of raised his eyebrows when I dug out the manual breast pump and told him my plans. Pretty much all I got out of it was sore nipples.

However, I think it helped me become a little more okay with not being able to nurse Wee One. She's doing so great now that nursing would be more about me than her. And I've got enough other things to worry about that nursing, although it would have been nice, isn't such a big deal now as it was before.

And that's a good thing.

When I'm a PI

When I become a PI I will make sure that if we have cake and ice cream in lab meeting to celebrate anyone's birthday in the lab, then we will have cake and ice cream for everyone's birthday.

For the second year in a row, I've felt like a second rate lab member, ice cream and cake-less.

It's not about the birthday, or the cake and ice cream.

It's about being made to feel like an important part of the group. Worthy of being celebrated.

Some relief

Wee One is now out of surgery - both procedures went well! Hurrah!

Now we wait and see how she does recovering, and hopefully we'll get to take her home before the end of the weekend.

Thanks for all the well wishes!

Counting down

Okay i have two countdowns.

First, less than 24 hours until Wee One goes for surgery.

I'm coping, but obviously still worried. Please keep her in your thoughts over the next few days! I hope she'll be home and recovering by the end of the weekend.

Next, I've decided to join Brazen Hussy and participate in InaDWriMo 2008.

My goal is to have a rough draft of a manuscript for my current project by the end of November.

I really need to get this done so that I can feel like I was more than just re-productive in 2008!

And now, back to counting down the hours...

Figure 1. Quite possibly the strongest little Wee One around. I just wish we didn't ask her to demonstrate her fortitude so often.

In a funk

I've been in a pretty big funk lately. To pay the utmost respect to Dr. Isis in the form of flattery by way of imitation, please see the figure below depicting my recent state of mind:


Figure 1. How I've been feeling lately. Including the excess hair. Not nearly as hot as Dr. Isis.

I've been pretty worn down (a full nights sleep is still elusive, so I'm sure that is a major contributing factor), unmotivated (pretty science aside, I'm just not that into my current project), and uninspired (this is probably the most worrisome of all my feelings).

To maintain a career in academia, I'm pretty sure you have to maintain your inspiration and passion for research. Mines been wavering. I think it is a combination of frustration with my current project, and a lack of sufficient overlap between the science that excites ME and the science that excites my advisor.

But at least I can gleam some hope from this - maybe I can still fan the flames (cause I KNOW there are still embers and hot coals in my passion for science) if I get into a different state of mind, or find some way to rise above my advisor's luke warm reaction to my project ideas.

Still, it frustrates me to no end that I'm so easily influenced by advisor's lack of enthusiasm (he's been very supportive, he just gets more excited by things I'm not as terribly interested in - if only I'd realized this before joining the lab).

I'm also almost completely consumed by anxiety and worry over Wee One and her upcoming surgeries. With all the medical issues my poor little Wee One has, I have an even harder time imagining myself spending MORE time away from her as I pursue an academic career. I find myself thinking "What will happen if she's in the hospital for weeks on end? Will my employers be understanding of all the time off I will require? Will they hold it against me? Will I constantly feel like I'm falling behind in work, or not spending enough time with Wee One?"

I really do not feel ready to take on a faculty position. And yet, I can't fathom uprooting our family for a second postdoc (the thought of trying to find a whole new team of doctors and specialists - we're up to about 15 of them now! - is enough to bring me to tears). When we leave this postdoc, I REALLY want it to be something more long term. For all our sakes. Oh, and preferably close to somewhere with fantastic pediatric doctors.

Sigh.

It'd also be nice to be closer to friends and family once again. I get their support through email and occasional phone calls - but having them around in person would probably make a big difference. We've made some friends here in postdoc city, but like most academics, they are transient (except the profs who are more long term), and some have already moved on to other institutions.

There's just too damn much for me to juggle, and I'm getting tired of feeling sorry for myself. I want to snap out of this funk - but I really don't know how.

It's gotten so bad that sometimes when Wee One smiles and laughs, my smile and laughter in return ends in tears.

Figure 2. A face that should only bring a mama to happy tears.

But my worry and anxiety about Wee One's health brings this mama to tears... a lot.

I like it when science is pretty....

I FINALLY figured out how to get R to produce this plot. It took me way too long, but it is oh-so-satisfying to finally have it figured out.




Ahhh.... pretty.

(and significant too! look at those p-values!!)

A reminder

I used to feel like a big fish in a small pond. And I have a bad habit of downplaying my achievements because I felt that I was in a small pond (even though some of my academic achievements would have been big in a big pond too!)

Well now I'm in a pretty big pond. And I don't have the same relationship with my current advisor as I did with my PhD advisor. I feel like a pretty small fish most days - especially compared to some of the whoppers that have come out of this place.

So I decided to do something about it.

As a gift upon graduation, my PhD advisor gave me a book written by a scientist whose lab I considered joining for a postdoc. I was touched that he recognized how interested I was in this other area of research, despite the fact that it wasn't something he himself was terribly excited about. But what was more meaningful were the words he wrote at the top corner of the first page:

To Daybyday from Advisor

- my best student
- all my love and best wishes

So now I have that book sitting on the shelf right above my monitor at work - as a reminder that no matter what size pond I'm currently in, I can still feel like a big fish.

Second bit

As promised in my last post, I will now address point 2: Running towards...

There is a particularly nice blog that I read by another mommy whose daughter has multiple medical issues (in the interest of maintaining some sense of anonymity I won't link to it here, so you'll just have to trust that it is a great blog), and one of her posts was about a list of life goals she has for herself. On that list was being able to run a mile.

I'm very happy to report that she has now achieved and surpassed that goal!

It seems that a lot of my blog friends are becoming runners these days!

I think it's fantastic! I was never a runner until a few years ago when I decided to run a marathon to raise money for a charity. I still don't consider myself a runner (snails don't run) - though I do try to run a few times a week now. I've been lucky enough to find a friend to run with who doesn't mind running at my slooooow pace.

But all this has got me thinking about what my own goals are these days. I feel like I really should have some - even if it seems like I'll never have time right now to pursue them. I definitely won't pursue them if I don't know what they are!

So that's my homework, to figure out what I want to be running towards. Even if they're little things - cause I love checking things off my check-lists!

Do any of you have lists like that? What are on yours?

Bit by bit

Often I will come here with the intent to post, and then my mind will suddenly go blank. This is so very odd because my mind is usually SO jammed and packed full of thought fragments (and sometimes full coherent thoughts!) that I feel the only way to hear myself think is to SCREAM OUT LOUD.

For those of you who are computationally inclined, it's like my brain gets all frazzled and dumps a core. A great big, giant core dump. (those core files are really quite huge, and the combination of any word with dump makes my immature self giggle).

So anyway, I've decided to step over the core dump that I have neatly left on the floor that is my mind, and just write SOMETHING. Anything! I just need to keep writing.

So I have 2 items that I'd like to write about now that I've gotten the preliminaries out of the way.

1. Title of this post, and of this blog
2. Running towards ....

So for the first item, I recently (as in, within the last few weeks) found out that Wee One will be having another surgery, relatively soon (within the next few weeks). The day I found out, it was all I could do to hold the tears back. This will be surgery #3 for my baby, and the first surgery since coming home with us from the NICU. I've heard this is actually the hardest one, because it's the first one since she really became MINE (well, technically "ours" as Mr. Daybyday is an equal partner in all of this) and wasn't in the care of the skilled medical professionals in the NICU.

I've had, and continue to have, many days, and moments of utter despair. A great sadness just smothers me sometimes. I know that this surgery is necessary, and I know why they want to do it so soon, and I know that this should help her tremendously - but I'm still SO SCARED. I know she's come through 2 previous surgeries really well. But they still make you sign consent forms that spell out the possible risks. And in the back of my mind, I'm always scared I'll lose my baby under the knife. It is the most terrifying part of it all.

Short of refusing the surgery that I know should help her so much, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change this.

So where does this leave me? And knowing that with her other health issues, subsequent surgeries in the future are much more likely?

It leaves me in a constant state of stress. And I'm not talking about the stress I used to feel. I'm talking about that kind that can sneak up on you even on a good day, and leave you sitting in a puddle of tears. The kind that amplifies every little thing so that everything feels much bigger and heavier than it really is.

I end up spinning my wheels when I think of how I'm going to cope in the long run.

And then a friend said to me "You know, it's cliche, but A.A. does the 'one day at a time' thing because it works when things seem so insurmountable."

And I thought about the name of my blog, and how important it is, for my own sanity, and how I will have to more actively and purposefully think about things in a day by day fashion. If I don't, thinking about the future is just too overwhelming, that I can't get myself through today. And my baby needs her mama to get through today.

I can handle a day.

Point 2 will have to wait until the next post - because now I have to get back to work. So stay tuned!

Half a year

As promised, a post devoted to the Wee One and all that she is at her six month birthday:

• Your favorite activity these days is rolling from your back to your tummy (all on your own!)
• When you are on your tummy, you become frustrated because I think you are trying to crawl, but haven't quite figured out how to yet (you kick and push with all your might, but end up doing an impression of the cutest little flopping fish on land!)
• You've discovered your feet! You now have the flexibility to grasp your toes with your hands
• Sometimes when you toot, you startle yourself! (and it makes mommy and daddy laugh)
• Hearing the laughter of other children makes you giggle - and on occasion, mommy and daddy have been able to coax that same giggle out of you!
• Ms. Kitty is becoming your friend, as she now catches your eye, and you reach to pet her soft fur
• You try to help hold your bottle when we feed you
• You seem to like the pear and carrots+pear baby food that daddy makes for you
• You're not so fond of the baby cereals
• You've learned that if you pretend to cough when we try to feed you or make you do your physical therapy, we'll stop
• While you used to hate diaper time (especially when we first brought you home from the NICU), you now LOVE having your diaper changed, and even hold your feet with your hands to help
• Sometimes you pee in the bath (but so far, no poop!)
• You love talking when you are on the change-table more than anywhere else
• Your repertoire of sounds and vocalizations increases every day - with your latest sound being a comical grunt that you do only when on your tummy, and one that sounds like you're saying "ello"
  
• You still have some wisps of your newborn hair among all the newer growth - giving you longer hair around your ears and at the nape of your neck
• Your newer hair is much lighter than your newborn hair was (morphing from daddy's hair color to mama's)
• All three of your incisions from your surgeries have faded
• You sometimes sleep 7 or 8 hours through the night, but more often you still wake up after 4 or 5 hours to eat
• You are so bright eyed and bushy tailed in the wee hours of the morning when you wake up to start the day (a morning person like daddy!)
• I think you are about to cut your first tooth (bottom, right hand side)
• When you sit in your high chair (though it's not actually high), you look like such a big girl now!
• You love when we play "high-five" - you coo and make all sorts of excited sounds and facial expressions, and kick your feet excitedly too!
• You no longer try to stuff your entire fist in your mouth - instead you prefer your tiny little thumb, but with the rest of your fingers spread out, rather than in a fist (although we try to discourage this after you eat because you tend to gag yourself and that makes you throw up)
  
• You continue to win over all the people you encounter (and with all the specialists and therapist you see, that's a lot of people!)
• If I had to describe you in one word at this time in your life, it would be determined

I still can't believe you're already 6 months old! I remember when I thought this day was forever away. You've been through so much, and you've come so far! It's been a great big adventure for us all!

I feel so lucky to be your mama - I am SO proud of you!

Still here

I'm continually surprised to see ongoing traffic to this, my humble little blog - even when I've been away for long periods of time!

I was even more surprised when I saw that someone visited here from my hometown! (whoever you are from B-town, I'm talking about you!)

Anyway, the Wee One turned 6 months old (!), and when I get the chance, I plan on devoting a post to describe her at this age, so that months from now when memory has faded even more, I'll be able to remember the little things that make me smile so much right now.

But for now, I just wanted to say thank-you for your ongoing patronage, and encouraging words when I need cheering up. And now I must head off to meet my running partner and attempt to lose the left-over baby-belly I still fashion.

Life of a NICU mom - part 2

Astronomom describes a feeling of loss over the "normal" birth experience that could have been. Her words are so on the mark with how I feel, it is uncanny. It's been nearly six months (!) since my wee one was born, and reflecting on my birth experience still saddens me, despite that the wee one is a smiley, wonderful part of my world now.

And it makes me mad that I can't seem to let go of this pain. Why can't I just get over it? So what if there were no balloons, flowers or visitors when wee one was born? So what if the physical separation of mama and baby, along with a case of post partum pre-eclampsia (yes, it happens, apparently) meant I would only get to enjoy the bond of breast feeding so few times? So what if the wee one is now followed regularly by nine specialists and two therapists?

I can sort of understand why some of it is hard to get over. Some things, like the myriad of specialist appointments , tests and therapy sessions for the wee one are ongoing events in my life that completely fill our calendar. For selfish reasons, I wish for normalcy - just well visit check ups with the pediatrician would be such a relief to my worried brain, and my schedule. But most of all I just wish the wee one was healthy enough not to need all of this medical attention - she is such an amazing little person, I wish she didn't have to go through all of this. I wish she could have more time to just be herself. Less poking and prodding.

The lack of breastfeeding sometimes gets to me. I felt like such a failure when I finally gave up pumping. Upon leaving the NICU, the wee one was being breastfed, but I was just barely able to produce the amount she needed. I was put on lasix to manage a sudden sky rocket in my blood pressure postpartum (pre-eclamsia they suspect), and I think that had a negative effect on my milk supply. In any case, we soon discovered that the wee one had feeding difficulties in general (common with some of the medical issues she has), and was losing weight (this was after the initial weight loss after birth, and back up to her birth weight in the hospital - in other words, losing weight at that point was very scary!).

She was then diagnosed with "failure to thrive" - an umbrella term for all those who have difficulty gaining weight. So the doctors had us switch to formula to see if she could gain weight on a diet with known caloric input (can't do that even with breastmilk in the bottle). Of course that's when she started showing increased signs of reflux, so she had to be put on a hypoallergenic formula. Happily, however, she started gaining weight! And she was able to take larger volumes than she had even with breastmilk by bottle.

At the time I was still pumping and storing my milk in the hopes that once we had the reflux and weight gain under control, she might be able to resume breastfeeding. But my supply never increased. She was soon eating double what I could produce. And her feeding therapist said it was a miracle that we were able to get her to feed so well at all and gain any weight, considering all of the wee one's feeding and breathing difficulties. I was worn ragged from all the pumping (either both Mr. Daybyday and I were awake for every single feeding, or I was feeding her and then pumping afterwards which left me with less than 2 hours of sleep at a time between feedings).

I finally decided to stop pumping after my mother stayed with us to help, and I would be crying as I pumped and my mom (or Mr. Daybyday) fed the wee one. I wanted so bad to be holding the wee one instead of watching her while I pumped - and I didn't even know if she'd ever be able to use the breast milk anyway because at that time we didn't know what was causing her reflux (food allergy or physiological problem).

My mom said, "You can't keep this up. It is making you miserable, and I'm worried that it is going to make you sick. Wee one will be better off with a happy and healthy mama than a constantly exhausted and miserable mama with breastmilk." And I knew she was right. But it was still hard to finally decide to give up pumping. It was like I needed permission. I was so worried people would think I was being selfish.

Even now, when people ask me "Are you breastfeeding?" I get really tired of feeling like I have to tell the whole story of why we're not anymore.

Maybe I should change the title of this post to something about breastfeeding, as I've spent so much time here talking about it!

I'm starting to at least get over the sense of loss for the breastfeeding - there are definite perks, like more sleep when Mr. Daybyday handles a feeding through the night on his own. And I'm no longer feeling rushed when I do feed the wee one, because there is no pumping to get done afterwards. So I just get to enjoy feeding my baby. That's how it should be.

I do, however, still feel overwhelmed by all of the ongoing medical stuff. But that's a lot to get into all in one post, so I think I'll finish up here, and leave you, instead, with a recent picture of wee one.


It's hard to be too sad with that happy little face smiling back at me!

Names

And for my second post of the day, I'd like to talk about names.

Mr. Daybyday and I have different last names (despite my calling him Mr. Daybyday on this blog).

I am Dr. Daybyday, and he is Mr. NotDaybyday.

We were married when Wee One was born, and although we knew we would be challenging tradition, we decided to name Wee One: Wee One Daybyday. NOT Wee One NotDaybyday.

So she has MY last name, not his.

This, apparently, blows a lot of peoples' minds.

It didn't really matter to me what Wee One's last name would be (so long as it was one of our names, or a combination of the two). And I thought it was pretty sweet that Mr. Daybyday (I'm reverting to calling him what I always call him on this blog, but rest assured, his last name is still NotDaybyday) opted for Wee One having my last name. In fact, he even tossed around the idea of changing HIS last name to match ours because he thought it might be nice for us all to have the same last name, and I'm too much of a feminist to change mine (though I do always have the excuse that I've made a name for myself in my work). I was hesitant, because I didn't want people to think I made him change his name.

So far he has not changed his last name. But since he is the primary stay at home parent with Wee One, and she has multiple medical specialists who call about results and appointments, when the phone rings he often hears "Is this Mr. Daybyday?" To which he has found it easier to just reply "Yes" instead of "Actually, this is Mr. NotDaybyday, but I'm Dr. Daybyday's husband, and Wee One's father."

Strange how such a little thing can confuse SO many people.

I wonder how many other married couples with different last names give their children the mother's last name?

I've even had female labmates ask me for advice on convincing their husbands (or prospective husbands) to opt for this sort of naming scheme. I can definitely see the appeal of the whole family having the same last name - but why should husbands need convincing? Why would it hurt their egos to give their child the name of the woman they love? Or is it older family members they fear upsetting?

It's an odd situation. But in any case, I love that Wee One and I are Daybyday girls. And I love that Mr. NotDaybyday doesn't mind challenging tradition.

Relief

Thank-you all for your encouraging comments and support - I really appreciate them! I would have posted sooner, but just as Wee One was starting to recover from this nasty cold I, apparently, caught it myself.

Sick (but significantly better) baby + sick mama = very very tired Daybyday household

But now Wee One and I are both just at the annoying "when will the phlegm every go away?!" phase of our colds (which is much more annoying for her, what with having just that one nostril to breathe through and all). She's still my little champ, however, and it amazed me how quickly she got over the worst of this cold!

One plus to this whole experience: due to said nasal congestion, I cannot at present smell baby poop.

This leads to some interesting conversations in the Daybyday household, including:

"Papa Daybyday, come sniff her butt. She just did the poop face."

And because he is equally fascinated by everything the Wee One does, Mr. Daybyday did indeed, sniff her butt.

(And there was poop.)

Helpless

What do you do when your baby, who can only breathe through one nostril due to a congenital defect, becomes so congested that her own snorting won't let her sleep? And then what do you do when you hold her to try and give her some comfort and relief and she throws up and starts to aspirate on her own vomit?

What do you do when your child is in so much distress, and nothing you do makes it any better? When you know that if your child didn't have so many other complications this wouldn't be nearly as scary?

She did finally get some relief. But she's still really congested. I hate worrying family and friends - I almost feel like they're going to get tired of hearing about it - so I don't feel like reaching out to them right now. That's probably really silly and stupid of me.

More than anything, I just wish the wee one could be healthy so that she didn't have to endure all this. It makes me feel so completely helpless.

I hate feeling self pity, but I just can't shake the tears away right now.

Oh. Man.

So I started running again. I try to run a few times a week in the morning before work. Today is one of my running days.

I JUST noticed that I've had my shirt on BACKWARDS all morning (ever since I changed into my work clothes after my run this morning).

I don't know what's worse - the fact that I didn't notice until now, or that nobody else mentioned it to me...

Either people around here are way too polite, or really, really unobservant (which is bad for scientists!).

It's official

Inspiration for this post brought to you by Sciencemama's post on officially being a mom.

I've had a few moments where I've thought to myself, "Okay, it's official, I'm a mom."

Among them:

• being so completely covered in baby barf that even my underwear were soaked (how such a tiny little tummy can hold so much volume is beyond me!)
• showering and changing after said barf bath only to then be "stamped" with baby poop as I carry the wee one to her change table
• being very excited by the above poop because wee one hadn't pooped in a loooooong time and I was getting a little concerned
• noticing that the wee one smells a little cheesy before baths, and growing to like the scent (it's almost intoxicating now - gross as that sounds!)

I've got a few more posts semi-composed, but not quite finished yet - so stay tuned!

In the mean time, please send some kind words and support Sciencemama's way - her family's home was just flooded, and it's a devastating experience. She's being incredibly strong, but I know it can't be easy. Hang in there, Sciencemama!

Working Mama and Mr. Mom

So my maternity leave ended and I returned to work.

I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised at how well I handled the transition. I actually feel guilty for how much I'm enjoying being back at work. I think there are a number of factors coming into play here:

1. Mr. Daybyday is doing the Mr. Mom thing as a stay at home dad, which makes it a little easier to leave the Wee One in the morning (I get to call home and "talk" to her whenever I want)
2. I think I might actually enjoy my work more than I had realized (gasp!)
3. I now give myself permission to (or at least feel less guilty when I do) socialize, exercise, and pursue my interests while I'm at work. I guess when I was home with the Wee One I would feel guilty for doing any of those things, unless she was napping - but then there were other things that HAD to be done (like laundry, cooking, cleaning, eating, showering, etc). Mr. Daybyday seems to have a much better handle on keeping himself "balanced" while being a stay at home papa.
4. Also, it doesn't hurt that I get to move into a brand spanking new building and office (with a new computer too!) - makes work much more appealing than with my previous diggs.

I also seem to have forgotten some of my previous worries about work. Some of the things that used to bother me, little insecurities, etc.. they just don't seem like such a big deal anymore. I'm constantly surprised at the confidence I seem to have now. I knew that the Wee One would constantly be teaching me things, and I guess putting things in perspective is one of them. A stint in the NICU, followed by ongoing medical issues tends to make the small stuff seem... well, small.

So here I am, back at work, and in much better shape (mentally and emotionally - physically will take a bit longer) than I had anticipated just a few short weeks ago.

---------------

So I should probably end the post on a happy note like that, but I do want to share with you (cause you've all been so wonderful and supportive) that the Wee One will be having an MRI tomorrow. They'll have to sedate her for it. I hate that they'll have to sedate her. It means placing an IV, and she's such a hard stick. And I'm so worried that with her respiratory issues that sedation will be risky. I just hate that she has to undergo any more procedures. But a few weeks ago she developed this growth on the top of her head. At first they thought it was just a vascular birthmark (a hemangioma, to be specific), and those usually just stop growing on their own at around 1 year of age, and then regress and disappear within a few years after that. BUT its growth since has made the neurosurgeon worry. He says it is firmer than a hemangioma, and he is worried that since the skin is pulled so tight over the growth, and so thin, that she could easily get a scratch there and it could get infected (and an infection anywhere near her shunt would require about a month of hospitalization, shunt removal, a temporary external drain during a course of antibiotics, and then finally another surgery to place a new shunt - all in all ,VERY UNPLEASANT, and something to avoid at all costs).

So, here's hoping that tomorrow's MRI reveals the growth to be a simple cyst that can be easily removed (which is what her neurosurgeon guesses the growth to be).

I know that given all of the rather serious congenital problems the wee one has had, she's come through beautifully and we should be happy - but I just can't help feeling that she really deserves to catch a good break, you know? Luckily, she seems unaffected by all of this, and is still an adorably happy little girl. I've even got several videos of her up on youtube now (email me if you'd like to see them - I'd rather not post the link here in order to maintain some semblance of anonymity).

Oh! and her latest achievement? She can now hold her head up while she's on her tummy! Hurrah!

Pictures, pictures, pictures, and a little bit of text

Ummm... it's been over a month (!) since I last posted an update here. And although there have certainly been plenty of blogworthy events to write about, I still can't manage to put together much in the form of a coherent post. So instead, I give you random bullets of updates, and many many pictures of the wee one!

I have less than two weeks left of my maternity leave... booooo.... I honestly don't know how I'm going to function being away from the wee one for so many hours of the day!

She's starting to smile socially now!


And she LOVES her bath towels.

She's starting to gain weight as she should be (about an ounce a day) - at nearly four months old, she's finally 9 pounds! It makes me so happy that she's growing - but a little sad too. She's outgrowing her preemie and newborn clothes, and for some reason, it's bitter sweet.

She's discovering her hands! And that she can put them in her mouth! And that they taste good!

She's had a rough bout with acid reflux (which really didn't help her gain weight) - so we bought this neat wedge that has a harness and holds her at a 30 degree angle after each feeding. We still cover the harness with a blanket because when she does end up throwing up, it saves us from having to launder the harness every time. But the end result is that it looks like we've velcro'd the Wee One to this wedge!

Her physical therapist suggested that we help give the Wee One some extra head support while she's on the wedge - to keep her head in midline. She seems to be very content with the entire contraption!

She also loves playing with her grandma - especially using her feet!

Her hair is also getting lighter (and it's a little curly right after a bath).


She's got two bottom teeth that I can feel underneath her gums. She loves it when I massage them.

She's my hero - and I just can't get enough of her!



And she is now making vocalizations! We were getting worried that her vocal chords had been damaged from the intubation while in the NICU - but now we have entire conversations of grunts and coos!

On life after the NICU (part 1)

I said in an earlier post that I had some thoughts brewing for a post about transitioning from being a NICU mom, to just being a mom... and I think I finally have some time, and the right emotional state of mind to actually write it.

As a quick aside, please forgive me if my writing is less coherent than usual - along with the spit up that I just noticed on the sleeve of my shirt (poor wee one has been suffering from reflux), my decreased brain function as of late is also just par for the course.

So I'm beginning to realize more and more that my "birth" experience was... pretty sad. I mean, I still got my wonderful and amazing little girl out of the whole deal, so that is fantastic, but there were no balloons saying "Congratulations!" and no flowers, no visitors... None of the typical things you'd expect to see in a hospital room on the maternity ward floor. Aside from Mr. Daybyday, there was just the slew of hospital staff that would come in at all hours to poke and prod me.

I guess I sort of feel almost lucky that I knew ahead of time that the wee one would probably need to spend some time in the NICU because of the hydrocephalus that they detected while I was still pregnant. Otherwise I can only imagine how shocked and completely devastated I would have felt for my baby to be taken away from me, and hooked up to so many machines and monitors, barely being allowed to hold her, or even touch her for the first month of her life.

It was hard enough as it was, with the little preparation I had. But I don't think anything can really prepare you for the heartache of having your baby in the NICU.

You feel helpless. And as a first time parent, I felt so lost, and had to ask permission to interact with my own child. It's an odd dynamic that evolves between the parents and NICU nuring staff. At least for me it was - I didn't know what to do, other than the longing I had to touch and hold my baby girl - some of the nurses would go out of their way to let us hold her (which is quite the ordeal when a baby has so many things attached to them!) and it always felt like a big deal. And it WAS a big deal.

But for so many other parents, being able to hold your own newborn is just a given. It's not something they need permission to do.

Being a NICU mom instills a sense that you'll never take the little things like that for granted.

It also made the transition home extremely difficult.

I remember the day the wee one was discharged. I was told the day before that they might discharge her the next day, and to call the NICU after the doctors finished rounds to find out if the decision had been made. Of course I barely slept that night - I was SOOO anxious, and also trying not to set myself up for disappointment if they didn't discharge her.

Finally rounds were done and I called. I was devastated when the nurse told me that they hadn't ordered the discharge. She could tell that I was in tears, and tried to comfort me by saying that she'd more than likely be discharged the following day.

So we headed over to the NICU to spend the day with wee one next to her NICU crib. And just before lunch we got the news! She was going to be discharged afterall!

Skip to the part where we load the wee one into the car in her car seat. Hop in the car ourselves, and close the doors. "DRIVE! Quick, before they change their minds!" I yelled to Mr. Daybyday.

The whole ride home, I just remember thinking "Oh my goodness. We're out of the hospital. We're leaving. Wee one has no monitors hooked up to her anymore."

And I felt both joyful, and terrified.

When we got home I had a bit of a meltdown. Waterworks, phone calls to my mom, complete terror. Suddenly I had no nurses or doctors or monitors to rely on for help! I sort of knew my baby and how she behaved - but I'd never been allowed to stay with her one-on-one for a whole day. She was still recovering from her surgeries. She had only been off IV fluids for a day. It was even more overwhelming (at the time) than when she was in the NICU (at least then I could depend on the competence of the NICU staff to make sure my baby was fine!).

But as my mom assured me, as time went on, I started to mellow, and gained (very slowly) confidence in my ability to be the wee one's care giver.

But it wasn't easy giving up the dependence I hadn't even realized I had developed on the nurses and monitors. I'm very proud of how far I've come - I really wasn't sure I had it in me.

Now, instead of wanting to get the hell out of there and never look back, I am actually looking forward to visiting the NICU and seeing some of the nurses and doctors who helped the wee one (and me!) during her stay in their care. Because this time it will be as a proud mamma, showing off her amazing little girl - and because I know they'll be just as proud of us both.

ground hog day... sort of

You know that movie where the guy keeps re-living the same day all over again? Well that's sort of what my life feels like right now, except instead of a whole day repeating, it's a 3 hour interval.

Every three hours (roughly) we do pretty much the same routine: diaper change, feed the wee one, pump, feed the mommy (or other neccessary activities, like showering, laundry, feed the kitties, etc), and sleep if I'm lucky.

But I've finally figured out that I can multitask whilst pumping! Hence this post

... we interupt this post for the following message from the wee one: "enhg. enhg. UH!" ...


And I'm back (the wee one was fussing a bit, so I had to check on her - she's fine, she just had to toot)










So anyway, things are going relatively well, considering. We've only had one trip to the ER so far in the three weeks since she's been home. She wasn't gaining weight very well (she lost an ounce in each of the last two weeks, and came down with a cold, the poor thing!) - but just today (a day after I started writing this post - yeah, I'm getting used to getting things done in installments) she had another check up and I'm SOOOOO happy to report that she gained a whole 8 ounces in the last week! Woohoo!



I'll have to do a proper update another time (I've got some posts in mind about the transition from the NICU to home, and about some of the other issues that have arisen) - but for now, I thought I'd just let y'all know that I'm still here, and the wee one is still charming the pants off us :)

The long journey home

We FINALLY got to take our little girl home!

Thank-you all for the thoughtful and supportive comments - I can't tell you how much the power of positive thinking and reassurance made a difference (and continue to make a difference) in my mental and emotional state during the past few weeks.

The wee one did end up getting surgery to place a shunt for the hydrocephalus. This amazing little girl endured two major surgeries within the first few weeks of her life, and has come out just as sweet as ever. Her fortitude amazes me.

Now that we finally have her home, a new journey begins (full of lots of follow up appointments with specialists!). We haven't even had her home for a full 24 hours yet, so we are still adjusting, and I doubt I'll have much time to post here in the near future, but I will try to let you all know how we're doing from time to time :)

And to end with, I will leave you with another picture of the wee one, in her daddy's arms (this time with eyes open for extra cuteness!).

The life of a NICU mom

It's exhausting.

It's emotional.

It's overwhelming.

But the wee one is a superstar! She had surgery on Thursday to repair the diaphragmatic hernia, and she's done so well! The doctors and nurses keep telling us how great she is doing, considering how sick most babies with diaphragmatic hernia's usually are. She didn't even need to go on ECMO (a heart and lung by-pass system that they typically need).

AND, she might finally get to come off the ventilator tomorrow!!! Then we'll be able to hear her again (haven't heard her since her first few cries in the delivery room!).

We've been lucky enough to be allowed to hold her twice - and both times it was heaven.

I just love her so much it makes me cry. I just can't wait until we can take her home with us. Day by day she gets stronger. So keep those positive vibes coming our way, because they seem to be working! :)

A wee update...

Thank-you all for your comments and support!



Here is an updated picture of the wee one - she is getting stronger! The neonatologist was very optimistic today, and she said that our wee one is looking fantastic - so of course we were very relieved to hear that! She will have to undergo surgery - to help fix her diaphragm, and then hopefully her wee lungs will get stronger and no longer need any assistance to keep her breathing (she can breathe on her own, but does much better with help from the ventilator). And it looks like although she has a larger head, they don't think she has hydrocephalus afterall! But of course, they'll look into that more after the breathing issue is fixed. One thing at a time. But overall, very good news :)

She's Here!

Just a quick update as i'm still pretty out of it myself... the wee one arrived just before noon. She had a few more complications than anticipated but she's a fighter. Heres a picture of her (the tape on her face is to hold a tube to help with her breathing). Feel free to send good thoughts our way so that she can get strong and healthy as quickly as possible.

Let the countdown begin!

We finally have a date scheduled for the wee one's delivery!

Less than 4 days from now, this little wiggle worm will be making her grand debut via scheduled c-section. At our most recent appointment the doctor decided that the wee one's head is now measuring too large to attempt a regular delivery, or in his words "that head ain't going through your pelvis" - so c-section it is!

I was partly relieved that I won't have to attempt a regular delivery, but also scared about having to go through surgery. I guess there is no "fun" way to birth a baby.

On the positive side of things, however, yesterday marked the day that the wee one became "full term!" I find that incredible considering how I had been told earlier in the pregnancy that she would more than likely be born prematurely because of the hydrocephalus diagnosis. But now we've made it to the 37 week mark (37 weeks is considered full term, but the due date is calculated at 40 weeks - and most babies are born within two weeks of their due dates). I hope this means less time in the NICU, and more time with Mr. Daybyday and I!

And because I'm all emotional and cranky lately, I will also share with you that I cried during an episode of the tv show 24 (I've been netflix'ing the series, and am in season 2). Mr. Daybyday started to tease me, but then stopped once he realized that the same elevated hormones that were making me cry would probably make me violent if he continued.

The stretch marks continue to stretch (they can be downright painful!). And now my pelvic bone (at least I think that's what it is) is starting to cause me pain when I try to walk. I am really on bedrest now. Luckily Mr. Daybyday is home with me - so I have little need, except for uncomfortable waddles to the bathroom and back, to leave my post.

But the poor kitties - they want someone to PLAY with them, and I'm home all the time, but I just can't go fetching their toys. They need to learn to bring their toys back to me after I toss them.

Ah well - only a few more days until the real excitment begins for all of us in the daybyday household!

My very own lolcat

Except, it's my belly, not my cat.


The doctor said they'll fade... eventually (yay for silvery-white, rather than painful pink!). I remember just a few weeks ago thinking how lucky I was to have gotten so far along in the pregnancy without having any stretch marks... then KABLAM!

And then KABLAM about a million more times. Belly butter was no match.

Ah well - hopefully this week will be the week that wee one makes her grand debut!

P.S. The bigger reddish mark near where you might think my belly button should be is actually a large stretch mark, not, in fact, my belly button. My actual belly button is just north of "big red."

Still not ready...

I probably shouldn't post updates here so soon after recieving the results. My emotions are usually too raw, and then I think I leave most of you worried.

Yesterday we had the second amnio to test for lung maturity. It went better than the first - partly because I knew what to expect, and partly because my uterus didn't have a giant contraction in reaction to the needle this time (felt much more comfortable and quick without the contraction). I asked to see the fluid this time (Mr. Daybyday had told me that he saw it last time and it looked mostly clear and colourless). It was suprisingly clear and colourless - with just a hint of cloudiness. The doctor told me many people have a hard time telling if their water has broke (unless of course they have the "gushing" type of water breakage) because the fluid itself doesn't have a distinct look. But, he then told me that amniotic fluid sure does have a distinct scent! So of course I asked what it smelled like. The nurse finally said "this might sound funny, but it smells like semen."

Delightful.

I have to admit I thought it was sort of funny that both the doctor and the nurse hesitated to admit what the smell was like - especially considering that semen is sort of a required ingredient for a patient to be in their office in the first place (only pregnant ladies are seen as patients there). But I suppose you could get pregnant and never know what all the reproductive fluids smell (or look!) like. Still, I thought it was funny.

Fast forward to this morning when I called their office to inquire about the amnio results. The wee one's lungs are still not ready. They measure the ratio of two types of surfactant in the amniotic fluid. Once the ratio reaches 2.2 the lungs are considered mature. Last week the ratio was 1.0 - and this time it was 1.2. So there was some improvement, but not close enough for them to plan for the birth.

I was much more disappointed than I thought I would be. I nearly started to cry while I was still on the phone. (see what I mean about the emotions being too raw?)

Last night I admitted to myself that part of me is getting pretty comfortable with this routine of bedrest and waiting. I know that I still struggle with change, and let's face it, once the wee one is born there will be LOTS of change (not bad change, just change). Plus the whole birth process and the unknowns of what the wee one will have to endure shortly after birth is still pretty scary to me. So keeping her safe inside me, with little change to my current bedrest routine didn't seem so bad.

So I was really shocked by how sad I was to get the results today that her lungs are still far from ready. I'm still confused by my emotions.

We did have some good news - my amniotic fluid levels are now back in the normal range. So at least that is one less thing to worry about. We go back to the doctor's office next week for a sonogram, possibly another amnio, and to talk to the doctor. At least I'll get to see her again on the sonogram (though I would rather see her "in person" - part of me hopes I just spontaneously go into labour before the appointment).

I have managed to get work done in between all the naps and other distractions. Sometimes that helps. Thank goodness I can telecommute - it makes me feel as though I'm still being productive.

Well, that's the update. I don't really know how to end this post, so I'll just end it.

More waiting

Well I had the amniocentesis to test for lung maturity yesterday. I have to say that although the procedure itself was not "fun" it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure the needle hurt a bit, and those 20 some odd seconds seemed like hella longer than 20 seconds, but all in all I think the anxiety leading up to the procedure was worse.

Unfortunately we got the results today saying that the wee one's lungs are not quite ready yet. So we have to go back next week for another amnio. I'm really not looking forward to that (my belly has felt different ever since - maybe the wee one has less fluid to float around in, so my belly carries her differently?) - but it's better for her to stay inside and keep getting stronger.

And until then I am still on bedrest. Still waiting...

I scared.

I've been home, and on bedrest, since being discharged from the hospital after our little pre-term labour scare last week. So far I've been tired enough to sleep away most hours and avoid going stir crazy - plus Mr. Daybyday has things set up pretty well for my convenience (laptop, food, kitties, etc, all within easy reach, so there are very few trips away from bed needed).

But yesterday when we had our most recent appointment with the perinatalogist, we were given some exciting, but also scary news. On Tuesday of next week they will test for the wee one's lung maturity (by doing an amniocentesis), and if we get the go ahead from that, they will induce me either on Thursday (valentines day) or Friday.

HOLY CRAP

I'll only be 35 weeks.

I'm also scared because one of the reasons they are pushing to do this so soon is that during our stay in the hospital and our daily sonograms to monitor my elevated amniotic fluid levels (which they think caused the pre-term labor scare in the first place), they discovered that the wee one has what appears to be an enlarged esophagus. Poor little thing! They think that perhaps she (yes, we finally caved in and found out the sex!) has some reflux, or a constriction somewhere along her esophagus and isn't able to process the fluid like normal, possibly resulting in the buildup of excess fluid in my uterus - and with no way to do anything about that, the doctors are worried that my body might go into pre-term labour again, so they'd rather it be a more controlled situation, and at least happen at the proper facility where we planned to deliver and they have the appropriate NICU level to handle our case.

Of course I cannot wait to finally meet my wee one (I'm thinking of changing her nick name to wiggle-worm, as she's become notorirous to the hospital staff and sonographers for being so active!), but at the same time I'm so scared for all that she's likely to have to face in such a short amount of time.

I'm scared of the amniocentesis - not because it's a big needle - well maybe a little... But I'm scared that it might trigger labor, and that her lungs might not be ready. But I'm also scared of going into labor at home, over an hour away from where we're supposed to deliver.

Oh yeah, and I'm scared of delivering.

I had resigned myself to thinking we'd have to go the c-section route - but since they're planning to deliver so early, the wee one's head is still smaller than full term, so they would rather try for a regular delivery and avoid a c-section if possible. I took prenatal classes and paid attention - but still never really thought I'd go through the whole delivery thing... So now I'm frantically trying to prepare myself (how does one even do that?!)

I had a bit of a breakdown this morning - I just felt so overwhelmed - so much of this is beyond my control, and I just want my baby to be safe. And it hurts like hell and scares me so much that there is so little I can do to keep her safe... But maybe this is just normal parental fear/instincts kicking in?

Well in any case, wish us luck that her lungs will be mature (hopefully the steroid injections to speed up lung maturity last week will have done the trick!), and that we'll have an uncomplicated delivery. And hopefully my next post will be a very happy one filled with pictures to coo over!

Never a dull moment!

This is just a really quick update, because I'm writing to you from the HOSPITAL!

When I went to my routine perinatal appointment this past thursday, they once again found that I had an excess of amniotic fluid (no wonder I feel so huge! I really AM bigger because of all the extra fluid), but additionally, they found that I was having far more frequent contractions than I thought I had been experiencing (I thought they were just harmless braxton hicks contractions - because it was way too early for the real ones!)

But I guess because of the excess fluid, my poor uterus was like "Okay, we're big enough now! Time to get things moving!" But we were only 33 weeks along - and still 3 weeks away from when the perinatologists had wanted to delivery early.

So they sent me to the hospial, where Mr. Daybyday and I have been ever since Thursday, and gave me some meds to control/slow down the contractions, and some steroid injections to help speed up the wee one's lung maturity (also I had an IV put in - I'm totally over my phobia of needles now - they're still not fun, but they don't have the faint inducing effect anymore!). And they've found that my contractions weren't actually progressing the labour, so things seem stable. PHEW.

So now I'm off the meds, and we're being monitored to see if my body decides to go into labour again. The neonatologist have told us that generally 33 week babies do really well - so that is a comfort.

So now we wait.

HOLY CRAP, what a week!

(and I guess that wasn't such a short update afterall!)

Bustin' at the seams

The Story of My Winter Jacket

For the last few months (basically since the winter weather started) I've been wearing what used to be my biggest most roomy winter jacket. It's a nice warm, and respectably cute/fashionable columbia brand jacket.

But then something happened on Friday. I wore it to work - it's been getting a little snug, and sometimes tricky to get the zipper done up over my ever enlarging belly - but it still DID zip up over the bump.

Somehow, in the time I was at work on Friday, my belly GREW.

When I went to zip up my coat and leave for the day, I just could NOT get the darned zipper to do it's job! And trying to "suck it in" sure as heck didn't do anything but leave me a little breathless, and still very much unzipped!

Now I had debated whether or not I should pick up an extra large jacket because I sort of figured I would eventually outgrow the jacket before winter was over - but I had held out because I thought it would have been silly to fork out a bunch more just for a coat I'd wear for a few weeks, tops. And also, my mom, knowing my dilemma, had picked up a used coat that she figured was quite roomy enough to accommodate all the extra me. So I do have in my possession now, a very big coat that does fit. In fact, it still has lots more room.

The only catch is, this big momma coat is sort of... um... HUGE. And... animal print.

Not a subtle animal print (though how could ANYTHING be subtle on a coat THAT big?!).


(that's my mom modelling the jacket - trust me, the photo does not do it justice - even Mr. Daybyday asks me not to wear it)

And I'm not a fashion diva, but I just can't seem to bring myself to wear the gigantic flamboyant parka to work. Or anywhere. It would look especially AWESOME with my backpack (please note the sarcasm).

Well, maybe I should just be grateful that I haven't yet discovered any stretch marks on my body - the jacket is just temporary, after all!

Something to smile about

So I walked into the nursery the other night, and flicked on the lights ...


Apparently our young male kitty, Mr. Handsome McFluffiness, has decided that he quite likes napping in the change table attachment of the play pen we recently got as a baby shower gift.




Me: Well make yourself at home, Mr. McFluff, why don't you?

McFluff: Am trying to.



McFluff: Turn off lights on way out. K THX BYE.

Some days are better than others

Sadly, today is not one of the better days. There is no particular reason why. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. The day before that I was feeling a bit blue. It's like a constant roller coaster that I'm hoping is just caused by pregnancy hormones and a little bit of anxiety.

Thank-you, by the way, for all the kind words and support - it really does make a difference and cheer me up.

I think today I just feel helpless. Sometimes no matter what I try to do to make myself more physically comfortable at work or at home, my back starts killing me. Then I wonder how I'm supposed to make it until February 21st when I'll be 36 weeks and ready to test for the wee one's lung maturity. And then I feel selfish for thinking about my own discomfort when I know I'd go through much worse if it meant the wee one would have better chances of being okay. And yet I'm guiltily glad that I likely won't have to endure much more than 6 weeks of feeling how I do right now.

But then a whole other roller coaster will begin. And I'm just so scared. It has me in tears.

I know there's really nothing the doctors can tell me right now, it's still all "wait and see" - and not knowing what I need to prepare for once the wee one is born is so much more difficult than I had anticipated. I feel completely overwhelmed. Not only do I have to learn how to take care of a newborn (in the best case scenario), but I also need to learn how to take care of an infant with special needs (even if that just means knowing all the warning signs of shunt malfunction or infection). But how will I know what "normal" is for my child? And all the specialists are over an hour away from where we live...

I'm just really feeling the weight of it all today - despite knowing that there are others out there with much bigger struggles than I am facing. I wish I had their strength and grace.

T-minus....

I know I haven't posted in a while - but it's not for want of material to post about - quite the opposite actually!

There have been far too many things going on lately - including having my delivery date bumped up by a WHOLE MONTH!

So we now have roughly a month and a half until the doctors want to test for lung maturity, and if the baby's lungs are mature, we'd deliver within days of the test ("We don't mess around" were the perinatologist's actual words). It's still unknown whether it will be a c-section or induced delivery - that will depend on how the wee one continues to grow, and particularly, how big the head gets. Although, I think if I hadn't shown such interest in a regular delivery, they'd probably just schedule a c-section. But I just want to do whatever is best for the wee one at this point.

We went for a tour of the hospital where we'd be delivering (though I was slightly worried over the holidays that I might go into premature labour while visiting all the family and friends back home), and I feel a bit more comfortable now knowing where I'll likely be, and having seen how the maternity ward there works. We're going to try and see if we can get a tour of the NICU - or at least talk with some of the staff there, because we've been told that as soon as the baby is born the NICU team will whisk baby away to the NICU (even if there are no other complications aside from the hydrocephalus) and do whatever scans the neurosurgeon needs to determine if and what type of surgery will be required.

So I'm a little worried that they might take the wee one away from me before I even get a chance to see my little one. But again, I'm willing to do whatever is best for wee one - and I've already instructed Mr. Daybyday that he is to go with wee one to the NICU if that happens.

So yeah. We have four fewer weeks to prepare - but I am selfishly happy about that. I'm getting so huge and uncomfortable, I couldn't really imagine going the full 40 weeks (or longer!) - plus I can hardly wait to finally meet the wee one!

So Mr. Daybyday and I have been busy getting things ready at home - he's actually been on a nesting rampage - it's quite adorable!

And I have luckily been getting some interesting and exciting results at work, so despite the bumped up deadline, I might just end up having something remotely publishable before the wee one arrives too!

But this all means that I have much less time to devote to blogging (I can't even seem to keep up with my blog reading!) - but I still appreciate all your kind words, and support! In any case, I'll try to post updates when I can, but at least now you know why that might not be happening very often.

And finally, an updated picture of the wee one from the most recent sonogram - some people have difficulty seeing the face, as the wee one was being a little shy - it's a picture taken head on (not a profile), and it shows part of the right side of the face (from forehead to the upper lip) - just enough to see a scrinched up little smile!