On life after the NICU (part 1)

I said in an earlier post that I had some thoughts brewing for a post about transitioning from being a NICU mom, to just being a mom... and I think I finally have some time, and the right emotional state of mind to actually write it.

As a quick aside, please forgive me if my writing is less coherent than usual - along with the spit up that I just noticed on the sleeve of my shirt (poor wee one has been suffering from reflux), my decreased brain function as of late is also just par for the course.

So I'm beginning to realize more and more that my "birth" experience was... pretty sad. I mean, I still got my wonderful and amazing little girl out of the whole deal, so that is fantastic, but there were no balloons saying "Congratulations!" and no flowers, no visitors... None of the typical things you'd expect to see in a hospital room on the maternity ward floor. Aside from Mr. Daybyday, there was just the slew of hospital staff that would come in at all hours to poke and prod me.

I guess I sort of feel almost lucky that I knew ahead of time that the wee one would probably need to spend some time in the NICU because of the hydrocephalus that they detected while I was still pregnant. Otherwise I can only imagine how shocked and completely devastated I would have felt for my baby to be taken away from me, and hooked up to so many machines and monitors, barely being allowed to hold her, or even touch her for the first month of her life.

It was hard enough as it was, with the little preparation I had. But I don't think anything can really prepare you for the heartache of having your baby in the NICU.

You feel helpless. And as a first time parent, I felt so lost, and had to ask permission to interact with my own child. It's an odd dynamic that evolves between the parents and NICU nuring staff. At least for me it was - I didn't know what to do, other than the longing I had to touch and hold my baby girl - some of the nurses would go out of their way to let us hold her (which is quite the ordeal when a baby has so many things attached to them!) and it always felt like a big deal. And it WAS a big deal.

But for so many other parents, being able to hold your own newborn is just a given. It's not something they need permission to do.

Being a NICU mom instills a sense that you'll never take the little things like that for granted.

It also made the transition home extremely difficult.

I remember the day the wee one was discharged. I was told the day before that they might discharge her the next day, and to call the NICU after the doctors finished rounds to find out if the decision had been made. Of course I barely slept that night - I was SOOO anxious, and also trying not to set myself up for disappointment if they didn't discharge her.

Finally rounds were done and I called. I was devastated when the nurse told me that they hadn't ordered the discharge. She could tell that I was in tears, and tried to comfort me by saying that she'd more than likely be discharged the following day.

So we headed over to the NICU to spend the day with wee one next to her NICU crib. And just before lunch we got the news! She was going to be discharged afterall!

Skip to the part where we load the wee one into the car in her car seat. Hop in the car ourselves, and close the doors. "DRIVE! Quick, before they change their minds!" I yelled to Mr. Daybyday.

The whole ride home, I just remember thinking "Oh my goodness. We're out of the hospital. We're leaving. Wee one has no monitors hooked up to her anymore."

And I felt both joyful, and terrified.

When we got home I had a bit of a meltdown. Waterworks, phone calls to my mom, complete terror. Suddenly I had no nurses or doctors or monitors to rely on for help! I sort of knew my baby and how she behaved - but I'd never been allowed to stay with her one-on-one for a whole day. She was still recovering from her surgeries. She had only been off IV fluids for a day. It was even more overwhelming (at the time) than when she was in the NICU (at least then I could depend on the competence of the NICU staff to make sure my baby was fine!).

But as my mom assured me, as time went on, I started to mellow, and gained (very slowly) confidence in my ability to be the wee one's care giver.

But it wasn't easy giving up the dependence I hadn't even realized I had developed on the nurses and monitors. I'm very proud of how far I've come - I really wasn't sure I had it in me.

Now, instead of wanting to get the hell out of there and never look back, I am actually looking forward to visiting the NICU and seeing some of the nurses and doctors who helped the wee one (and me!) during her stay in their care. Because this time it will be as a proud mamma, showing off her amazing little girl - and because I know they'll be just as proud of us both.