and now we march

Yesterday's visit with the specialist confirmed the suspected diagnosis: the wee one has hydrocephalus.

Because of all the reading and preparation I had done before this appointment I already knew quite a bit about this condition. But we were still hopeful that maybe somehow the initial sonogram was incorrect. This was not the case, as the hour long level 2 ultrasound confirmed the previous finding.

I was really strong, and did not break down until the very end of the consultation with the perinatologist. At that point, he said to me "It's alright to feel upset. It IS scary, and when parents don't seem upset I usually have to explain things over again because it means that they didn't understand." He also told us that we'd probably feel a lot better once we meet and talk with the pediatric neurosurgeon who would be handling our case once the baby is born, since the surgeon is the person who maintains contact with the families and does all the follow up, even years after. He told us that this particular surgeon has patients with hydrocephalus who are now well into their teens and beyond, so he'll be able to give us a better picture of what to expect down the road. That was comforting news. But we won't be meeting him until next month when we have our next appointment with the specialists to have another ultrasound and monitor the baby's development.

Until then we are grateful that the most recent ultrasound showed no other indications of anything else out of the ordinary - specifically, they looked for other indications that the wee one might have trisomy 13 or 18 (which he said are generally "incompatible with life"). The doctor warned us that things might arise later in development, but at least for now, the rest of the baby looks wonderful. To me, the baby looked perfect.


So now we just do all we can to help the wee one grow big and strong, and give it every chance we can. And try not to have too many break downs while we "wait and see."

Impatience, and messages from the universe

I knew that today would be difficult. Waiting for this specialist appointment tomorrow... I'm going a little stir crazy here at work. I want to get out of here, in the hopes that somehow going home will make tomorrow come sooner.

I did pretty good last night keeping myself content and busy while Mr. Daybyday was away for a few hours. I baked some cookies for a holiday exchange (a yearly tradition between myself and a few friends back home). I decided to try a new recipe ("Orange zingers", with chocolate chips), so I wanted to bake some well ahead of time to see if I liked the recipe. And I do! They are quite yummy (if you are a fan of the orange/chocolate flavor combination, which I am) - so I will be making a few dozen more before the holidays for the annual cookie exchange.

While baking, I was listening to my latest favorite pandora.com radio station (based on a mix of music from the Cranberries, Fall out boy, Nelly Furtado, Shakira, and The Killers), and dancing around with the belly. We had lots of fun. The kitties were quite interested in all the commotion as well - so every now and then I picked them up to dance too. They didn't have as much fun with that.

I enjoy dancing "with" the wee one. It takes my mind off all the scary/sad thoughts, and I just get to enjoy the moment. Maybe that's why I'd rather be home right now instead of sitting here at my desk. But I can't just dance for hours and hours - my back/hips start getting angry if I do.

So I try my best to be patient. And work.

....

And for something mostly unrelated - yesterday something made me google "messages from the universe" and I stumbled upon a really neat email service from www.tut.com that will email you uplifting messages from the universe each weekday!

Now I'm not what you'd call a "religious type" - but I do have a spiritual side, and there are many aspects of spirituality or the super natural that I can have an appreciation for. The reason why I'm even bothering to mention any of this is because of the first "Message from the Universe" email I received today:

Did you know that whenever you whisper, "I'm sorry..." to someone quietly
in your mind, [Day by day], someone over here sheds a tear and
healing begins?

Did you know that whenever you whisper, "Can I help you..." to someone
quietly in your mind, someone over here sheds a tear and an army of angels
are sent?

And, did you know that whenever you whisper, "I love you..." to someone quietly
in your mind, someone over here sheds a tear, healing begins, an army of
angels are sent, and 10,000 bells are rung?

Actually, you even have your own marching band that follows you
everywhere....

I love you,
The Universe

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! �
� www.tut.com �

Hey, I like bells, [Day by day]....

Well, heck, thinking of having my own marching band following me around DID cheer me up - scientific mind be damned. Wee one and I shall go a marching!

Getting better

Well, I've been feeling a lot better lately. The emotions, however, are still very close to the surface. My parents called me this morning just to see how I was doing and to send me their love. It was very sweet, but I got a little choked up by the end of the call, even though I was saying "I'm doing much better."

And I have been feeling a lot better. I sort of came to the realization that no matter what, at the end of this pregnancy, I will have a baby. I don't know how long I will have the baby for, or how the baby will be, but I've seen the wee one on the ultrasound, and he/she is definitely a baby now.

I think I was mixing the fear of the unknown with the fear I had earlier in the pregnancy (I think most women worry, at least a little bit, about miscarriage early on).

So although I worry for the health of the wee one, for now I just try to concentrate my efforts on giving them the most enjoyable inutero experience that I can, and to enjoy this special time I have with him/her myself.

All that being said, I still know that as our appointment with the high risk pregnancy specialist approaches, so too will my anxiety return. Our appointment is on Thursday, so I imagine Wednesday night will be difficult.

But I'll still keep trying to focus on the positive - like enjoying the feeling of the wee one moving about inside my belly as we settle in for the night. I don't mind being kept awake like that - I just think of it as more quality time together :)

New mantra

"Everything will be fine."

The more I hear people tell me this, and the more I repeat it to myself, the more comfort I feel, even if I know that nobody can possibly know for sure.

On Tuesday morning, Mr. Daybyday and I went for a typical second trimester ultrasound. Unfortunately, the measurements made by the sonographer were not completely what expectant parents hope for. The ventricles in our baby's brain appear enlarged. I was shocked and devastated. The doctor who came to talk to us after the ultrasound told us that at this point they really have no idea what it means. Everything else looked great, and they've had another case where things cleared up on their own as the pregnancy progressed.

I know that anything affecting the brain is worrisome - and also terribly hard to predict the outcome. There is just so much that we don't know. I also know that no matter what, I would never consider terminating this pregnancy. I have no religious convictions about that sort of thing, I'm just completely and totally attached to this baby - I would do anything to keep it safe.

And so, we are being sent to specialists to monitor and give us more information on our situation. The specialists are about an hour and a half away from where we live.

It's so scary. And even when I'm having a good moment, the emotions are still right there just below the surface, and come pouring out at the slightest provocation. So I just try not to be alone, and to keep repeating "Everything will be fine."

I look at the pictures we have from the ultrasound, and they make me happier. The baby looks great! And continues to be active, and increasingly more active.

Part of me wishes I could keep the baby inside me forever, to protect it and keep it safe. And yet, I'm still so anxious to meet him/her and to hold them in my arms and kiss the top of their head.

I had been putting off blogging because I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about this, or if I wanted to post about this at all. But sometimes keeping things in makes them harder to deal with.

So for now, I'm just trying to enjoy the moment - I choose to be optimistic, and will try my best to continue living my life as I normally would. I continue to struggle with banishing my worries - but that's where the mantra comes in handy. Also I have to stop researching things on the internet because it just scares me more.

Everything will be fine.

Weekend haze

I've been pretty productive this week in the lab (hence the lack of posts for the last few days). That's exciting!

I'm still amazed that the whole professor career deal is looking appealing again. Will I ever make up my mind?

One evening this week I was so tired after dinner that I went to take a nap (haven't needed a nap in quite a while) - I think staying up until midnight, and getting less than 8 hours of sleep was catching up with me - especially since it takes me a while to get comfortable at night and fall asleep... Anyway, I "napped" from 6:30pm until 11pm. Then I watched a show with Mr. Daybyday, and then went to "sleep" for the night.

I felt pretty great the rest of the week, so I guess I just needed to catch up on sleep.

Another evening we went to find Mr. Daybyday a nice business casual outfit (we found several) for an upcoming meeting he had (he's trying to help fundraise for a really great organization he's involved with, and they were going to be meeting with a potential business sponsor). Anyway, he's got lots of casual clothes, and several dressier outfits, but nothing really business casual. So we hit the stores (well, just one store actually), and within an hour (including trying everything on) we were home, and he was set for his meeting.

Why does this NEVER happen when I go shopping for me??? I know that men's fashion is not as "liberated" as women's, so part of the efficiency is just due to less selection - but damn! It makes me envious. I've always enjoyed shopping for men's suits. I like finding nice shirts and ties that go well together, and it's just an overall pleasing experience. Why does women's fashion have to be so darned difficult? Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate having lots of selection to choose from - even being able to dress "manly" (there is much more taboo against a man dressing "womanly" for some reason) - but sometimes the selection either overwhelms me, and I don't know where to start, or most items look ridiculous on me, and I end up leaving the stores empty handed, and defeated.

Well anyway, I still enjoy shopping - but it's developed into a love-hate relationship over the years.

And now I'm sitting in my PJs in the living room with the laptop wondering how best to spend this overcast and drizzly Saturday morning. I think I'll make brownies.

Advisor makes good

So yesterday I was ready to post about how annoying and frustrating my postdoc advisor's habit of scheduling vague meeting times with me has gotten to be. But today a meeting actually happened! Hurrah!

And it was productive and motivating! I have specific short term goals now (and the longer term goals for these new projects is becoming less blurry). AND I even produced two nifty figures from analysis I did after the meeting! I'm sure I'll be producing several more based upon what we talked about today - and I just have to say that I love feeling like I actually DID something. I made discoveries!

A friend of mine, whose wife is an ER nurse, sends her off to her shift by saying "Save some lives honey!"

I like when Mr. Daybyday can say "Make some discoveries today honey!"

And since the picture of my little degu friend seemed to be such a hit in the last post, here is another one - this time she was asking if it was time for play or treats - note the head cocked to the side slightly for extra cuteness.

Weekend Update

Sorry, couldn't come up with a more creative title, and I just wanted to make sure I kept my weekday blogging promise...

First off, I feel like I'm getting huger by the day - and especially over this past weekend (huger looks ridiculous when it's written, just as I fear my belly will look ridiculous by the time this pregnancy is full term).

Also, the wee human inside is VERY active now. I'm pretty sure Mr. Daybyday could feel the kicks now if only wee one would be active on command. But I guess I'll just have to enjoy the entertainment by myself for a while longer. Today while at work there were a couple of kicks that were especially strong that they made me giggle out loud (they were also consecutive).

Anyway, so back to this weekend... I pretty much spent the entire weekend (aside from eating and watching movies with Mr. Daybyday) rearranging and reorganizing our stuff. Namely sorting through and cleaning out a big closet so that we could finish the migration from what used to be our small bedroom (which will be the wee one's room) into the larger master bedroom (which used to be just our big office and room of junk/storage). Maybe once the rooms are finished I'll be brave enough to post some before and after pictures (I'm quite proud of the big closet - it was a disaster before - I blame Mr. Daybyday).

Anyway, all that shuffling around of stuff made me feel like a degu (because I've had pet degus before) - just shifting around wood chips and toys in a cage until they were just so. Goodness how my little degu must have gone crazy every time I cleaned her cage and disturbed her order!

Someday I should post about my degu - she was so amazing, and I miss her. She had such personality.

Here is a picture of her, in her sand bath bowl.



I was also going to talk about how my postdoc advisor always sets up tentative meeting times with me, and then never actually has time to meet with me. But I'd rather leave this post on a more pleasant note (like the cuteness of my dear little degu friend) - so the advisor rant will wait for another day.