close friends

I just found out recently that a very close friend of mine has been engaged for about a month. And I found out from my MOM.

I'm a little more bothered that I heard this great news through my maternal grapevine than I am happy for my friend. I've known him my entire life - he's practically family - might as well be a brother to me! So I guess I'm a little hurt that he never shared his good news with me.

It's partly my fault - I've been so caught up in preparing things for this conference and having a hard time concentrating much effort on anything not research related lately (hence the lack of blog posts). But still, an email from him would have been better than nothing.

I should be more mature about this and just call my friend and be happy for him. I just feel like after all these years I mean less to him, and that stings. I'm sure Mr. Daybyday will talk some sense into me. Usually that means I'll get mad at Mr. Daybyday for not seeing my side of things first, but eventually I'll admit that he's right and move on. Until then, I brood.

lab talk

Mr. Daybyday used to cringe at the thought of heading to the bar with me and some of my grad school buddies. He doesn't seem to worry much about that anymore.

As a non scientist he was often put-off by the amount of shop-talk that some of my friends did while at the pub. I can't really blame him, because even I would lose my buzz during some of those conversations. But it just happened that some of the people I hung around with absolutely LOVED talking about science. It didn't matter where they were.

A post over at YoungFemaleScientist inspired me to write about why I don't personally do much science blogging here.

One reason is that to maintain some form of anonymity, I try not to reveal too much of my own area of expertise. But that really only accounts for a very small part of the answer.

I would say that the major reason why my posts tend not to be about science is because I just haven't felt the need to blog about science. I think about and do science for a large part of my day, and frankly, my brain needs a chance to rest and consolidate the information or else I start feeling as though I'm pulling an all-nighter and cramming for an exam at the last minute. That, and there is more to life than science.

I used to talk about scientific musings to friends and family who seemed interested. I don't seem to do that as much anymore. I think the change that produced this shift was becoming a full time scientist rather than a student (although, we scientists are always pseudo-students). Now I am surrounded by and have the resources at hand to muse about science to my hearts content - while I am at work. I just don't often feel the need to do that anymore at home (or in blogspace).

I still know lots of people who love talking about science all the time, and blog about it regularly - I'm just not one of them. I used to wonder if maybe that meant I wasn't cut out to be an academic. But now I think that there's room for people like me in academia too - as long as I am productive in the time I spend in the lab, why shouldn't I have a life outside of science too?

So this blog is my outlet for all the other things on my mind. I like to think that dealing with all the other aspects of my life on here helps clear my mind so that when I am in the lab I can be a better scientist. And hey, if readers find my blog entertaining, or helpful, that's a bonus!

update on manuscript

I was about to post "no update" because I still hadn't heard word of the EIC's decision on my manuscript - but then the email arrived a few moments ago saying that the manuscript has been accepted!

This is a good Monday.

losing time

Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

Mr. Daybyday and myself had it in our heads that we had an extra weekend (one more than we actually do) before I leave for my conference. We were even planning to possibly visit friends and family back home for that now non-existent weekend.

I'm still baffled by this. I could have swore I saw that extra weekend on my calendar! But now it is no where to be seen.

Egads, that means I have one less week to practice my talk for the conference.

I have put together my talk and practiced it a couple times now - but I want to get feedback from PA and the group here before I really start getting the talk fixed in my head. I'm not terribly worried, but noticeably more worried than I was when I thought I still had 7 more days than I actually do.

In any case, working on the presentation has been keeping me very busy lately along with submitting the revised version of my manuscript, visiting with friends from out of town, oh, and unexpectedly buying a car!

Mr. Daybyday got a new job that requires him to change his license to the state we currently live in. But that bungles up things with the vehicle that we currently drive, in terms of insurance and the lease contract. I very strongly dislike driving the vehicle that we currently drive (because of a horrible, horrible blind spot it creates for people my size), so I was very excited at the prospect of getting rid of it even though it will end up costing us a bit to do so. Anyway, in the span of about 4 days we went from "hey, wanna buy a used car here and get rid of vehicle you hate?" to "wow, that was the biggest personal cheque I ever wrote" to pay for the new used car we decided to purchase.

Next thing up will be a mortgage. Scary!

So anyway, as rushed as that seems (and it was rushed), we spent a LOT of time investigating potential cars to purchase, which is mostly why I had no free time outside of work to blog - and during work hours I was too busy obsessing over my presentation and manuscript revisions.

And speaking of the manuscript.... Right after I submitted the revisions (which, by the way, took nearly 2 hours just to upload the files and copy and paste the figure legends into the silly online manuscript submission system, which then needed to be corrected to use their silly symbols because special symbols don't paste into the text box), the status of the manuscript said that the revised version was awaiting review. I wasn't sure if it would be sent out to the reviewers again or if the associate editor would just look at the revisions and my letter explaining them (the AE only called for minor revisions). Then about a day later the status changed to "Awaiting Editor in Chief decision" - that usually means the AE has made their decision and reccommends accepting or revisions or rejection and the EIC has to sign off on the decision. But it's been in that status now for DAYS! Don't they know I'm waiting impatiently to find out?

Well in any case I'm hoping that the rapid decision from the AE is a good sign, and that the EIC is just busy or something.

And now I should probably get back to practicing my talk again - right after I check on the manuscript....

Feeling connected

It has been almost a full year since I started this postdoc, and I am just now beginning to feel connected to the people here. I had been at my previous university for nearly a decade (undergrad + phD). I had grown so accustomed to knowing everybody and was quite adept at finding virtually all the ins and outs that it was quite shocking to be transplanted to another country, a new school, and a new lab, where I suddenly felt like the newbie.

When I first started here I was lucky enough to have a former grad school friend show me the ropes (she had started her postdoc here a year before me). I'm sure that I would have been even more distraught if I hadn't had her as my guide. It has taken me a long time to start to feel comfortable here - it didn't help that when I first arrived there was no physical space for me in the lab, so I was all by myself on another floor, in an "overflow" lab. For a brief period of time within the first few weeks there was a brand new grad student in that empty lab with me. We became friends quite quickly, but she soon started her rotations and I was once again alone. I spent the first four months in that overflow lab until a space opened up in the main lab.

On the plus side, however, I was able to do loads of martial art practice in that big empty lab with no one around to see me. AND I had a pretty sweet window right by my desk.

But I gave it all up to have some interaction with my lab mates and be in closer physical proximity to PA's office. It's amazing how reluctant I was to just "pop by" PA's office as he had suggested during the months that I was up in the overflow lab. I didn't want to waste my time to walk down a flight of stairs and into the main lab only to find out PA wasn't around.

I should mention that I was offered a space in the lab next door to the main lab. But the space was quite cramped, and I was warned by a few people that it might be better just to hold out for a proper desk in my lab. Since I knew when the person who was occupying my space in the main lab was leaving I decided to tough it out in the overflow lab. I did end up getting a lot of work done there for my first manuscript with PA. So I guess it wasn't a complete waste.

But now that I am in a the main lab I no longer have my swank window with a view. I don't have a window at all. There are four of us crammed into quite a small space (we are the computational folks in the lab) while the bench jockeys take up the rest of the seats (including all the window seats) in the main space of the lab. Sometimes I'm envious of the postdocs at my old university who got their own offices (typically 2 postdocs per office), with windows and everything, in addition to desk space in the main labs. They were really treated like pseudo-faculty which I thought was pretty cool.

But back to the point of this post. I've been immersed in this lab fully now for almost 6 months and am starting to feel like people finally know who I am. The computational folks I feel very comfortable with now - as I did with the people in my old lab. So that is fantastic! I've also been told that they were relieved to have me here, since the person who sat at my desk before me wasn't the easiest to get along with.

I'm even starting to feel less anxious around PA (I'm still a little concerned that I haven't proven myself to him yet) - but PA told me that my manuscript was the only one from this batch (that he has been involved with) that had made it through review! AND yesterday I had a meeting with him where I ended up suggesting a technique to use for an analysis he wanted to do, and he said excitedly "That's an excellent idea! I hadn't thought to use that technique!" to which I replied "Woohoo!" whilst shaking a celebratory fist in the air.

Stupid nightmare

Okay, given my last post, how totally obvious is the interpretation of this awful dream I had last night:

I found myself suddenly at the big international conference, the day before I am supposed to give my talk. A bunch of my grad school friends are there (even ones that wouldn't be at the conference in reality - that should have been clue #1 that I was dreaming). Then it hits me:

I DIDN'T PREPARE A TALK!!!

I start freaking out internally. How could I have NOT prepared my presentation? How could I have completely forgotten such an important thing - THE major reason I was going to the conference to begin with?! How could PA have let me do such a stupid thing? And again, how could I let me do such a stupid thing?! How the heck did a whole month slide by without me realizing that I hadn't prepared my talk?

So at this point I'm thinking this MUST be a dream. I pinch myself. Repeatedly. I'm not sure what that was supposed to accomplish, but I'm still at the conference, still very much freaking out.

Then I get all high and mighty and decide I will boycott my talk. After all, I have no slides. What else could I do? Yes. I just won't give my talk. But how bad would that look? I'm supposed to give this competition talk, and I just blow it off? I can't do that....

Sigh.

Okay, maybe I can somehow manage to put together my talk. I'll just reuse most of the presentation slides from the last conference - except there were a few things that absolutely have to be changed from my old slides. Alright, find someone with a laptop and internet access - then I'll access my computer at work with the presentation files and hopefully be able to modify the slides and then at least I'll have a presentation to give.

So I find one of my friends, and she lets me use her laptop - but I'm all upset because I know that even if I can somehow fix up the presentation slides I still have to practice my talk, which means I'll likely miss a bunch of the seminars during the first day in order to do that.

More signals that should have clued me into this being a dream: my former lab-mate, who is about to defend his PhD in real life, somehow managed to be the opening keynote speaker for the conference. Followed by by former advisor. And then another one of my friends (guess I didn't have much creativity for "extras" in my dream).

And then FINALLY, after I had just remembered how I verbally introduced the first slide of my talk at the previous conference, I woke up.

THANK DOG.

stupid stupid stupid. Why am I stressing myself out in my sleep?! Arg.

random update

I am SO close to finishing all the revisions for my latest manuscript. Just a few more edits after which I'll send the revised version to PA. Then hopefully we can send it back to the associate editor for publication! That would be delightful.

Then I have to start worrying about an upcoming conference and the talk I'll be giving there. When I registered for the conference and requested to give a talk, I also decided to try for one of those sort of "prestige" talks that they offer for recent phD students and new postdocs - a small number of the applicants are selected to give talks to the entire mass of conference attendees (no concurrent sessions). I guess I jazzed up my abstract enough to catch their attention and got myself selected! Woohoo! But also, "OH CRAP!"

I was so nervous preparing for my talk at the smallish conference I attended earlier this year - I just know I'll be more nervous for this one, and I don't look forward to that part. I really hope I get over this quickly. I've given plenty of talks to audiences throughout my academic life - but conferences still get to me. Well at least my talk will be during the first few days of the conference, rather than at the very end.

Aside from that I've been extremely happy to have Mr. Daybyday back home with me. He brought home with him some amazing stories and pictures from his adventure. Maybe next time I will be able to go with him.

And I'm still very much on the fence about this whole academic career thing. I think I'm just too scared to make an actual decision. I should probably start contacting some of the people I know who do research in government labs to set up some informational interviews. I just don't feel like I've done enough to prepare for those yet. Damn, I'm good at procrastinating.