Big strong wings

I wish I could capture all the memories/conversation from my most recent appointment with the psychologist so that I never forget them - it was a really great session!

We chatted briefly about how things are going with the pregnancy, and then moved on to discussing career issues. I told her that I had just received another email personally inviting me to apply for a tenure track faculty position at a university (that makes two separate schools inviting me to apply for faculty positions within the last month). This time the offer was more appealing, but again, because of the timing, my heart isn't really in it - both universities are looking for people to start before the fall of 2008. I hadn't really anticipated applying for jobs until AFTER that time. And I still find it crazy that I'm being contacted directly and invited to apply - where are these places hearing about me? I still feel like a small fish. I still feel that I'm not ready to think about running my own lab.

Then the psychologist said she views me as this beautiful, strong bird perched at the edge of her nest. Big strong wings, parental units (biological, and academic) waiting for me to finally take flight, and strangers from other trees inviting me to fly over and build my own nest in their tree. But there I am, still perched at the edge of my nest, afraid to jump.

I think her analogy is quite fitting - and I often find myself thinking "having big strong wings doesn't mean I know how to use them. It doesn't mean I still won't tumble and fall flat on my face." But I guess others have seen enough to think that I've already demonstrated that I can fly, it's just that for some reason, I don't see all that practice as being valid.

But what's the use in having big strong wings if you never try to use them? Maybe putting together a faculty application package will help me see what the others seem to see in me.

Pendulum swing and balance

It's so odd. Suddenly I can get deeply motivated by science again - and not just half-heartedly. For a while there I felt a loss in fulfillment and meaning from my research. The only motivation to get it done was that it was my job. I wasn't even sure if I wanted it to be my passion again.

I'm very relieved to have the pendulum swing back in this more satisfying direction - but I'm also wondering why the heck it keeps going back and forth. Does this happen to all scientists (but maybe to a lesser degree)?

What is additionally strange (but I'm not complaining) is my shift in work/life balance attitude. Where I previously envied my friend who could take a year off for maternity leave, and then return to work without missing a beat (she's an ER nurse) - now I'm pretty sure that I would miss doing my research, and that I'd want to get back sooner (much sooner) than a year. In fact, I could even see myself enjoying my work enough to pull those strange hours that I used to think were crazy (like working again at night once the kids are in bed) - as long as I had quality time with the hubby and family too. I used to think that type of lifestyle was unbalanced. Now it seems pretty nice - but only with the major caveat that I really loved what I was doing.

Fears and definitions

I had an appointment with the therapist today (I don't actually know what to call her - a counsellor? therapist? she's a psychologist). It was emotional, as usual - and I think we're making progress.

It's funny because I started going to her when I felt overwhelmed with my career indecision. It was interfering with my regular day to day life, and I recognized that I wasn't handling it well on my own.
I say that it's funny because I had no idea some of the mental and emotional skeletons that have since come to light were interfering in my present (and future) life.

As an example, I was identified as a gifted child in elementary school. I have long since thought that being identified as such from an early age helped shape my self-esteem throughout my childhood. I had positive reinforcement that I was special, that I was smart. And it felt great. It felt great because up until that point, I didn't really feel that I had any other talents or gifts that made me special. And I so desperately wanted to feel special, because it was the only way I could compete with all the attention that my developmentally delayed brother seemed to get. But as a kid, I felt so terribly guilty for any jealousy about the attention my little brother got - after all, I knew that I would end up growing up with more opportunities than him, so it was wrong of me to feel jealous. At least, that's how I handled things when I was a kid. And there were no other siblings - just me and him - and he always had the spotlight, either because of his charming personality, or his special needs. So for me, being smart was the one thing that was mine, that allowed me to feel special, and that drew attention to me.

I held onto this trait so tightly that it has become ingrained in how I define myself. I've always been the smart little girl with glasses (now I'm a grown woman, but still pretty small). Sure I've developed a lot of other characteristics and nurtured some other talents along the way, but by and large, I still think many people would generally mention something about my intelligence if asked to describe me.

And despite my accomplishments throughout my life and career, I still seem to get hung up on the fear or worry that I might not actually be smart (re: special). In academia, most of my peers seem very bright. My star suddenly seems dimmer when it's surrounded by all these other stars. And this somehow affects how I view my accomplishments (maybe it was all good fortune - finding a supportive phD advisor, getting scholarships and fellowships, getting lucky with reviewers for my publications, etc). How else can I explain why I seem to have done so well, despite feeling so insecure?

I need to be able to let go of the label "smart" without feeling like I'm left with nothing. But the little girl is still clinging so tightly to that identity. She doesn't want to just be a little girl with glasses who fades into the background. But I need to do this, or my fear of being "found out," that my good fortune will run out, or that I'm really not so special, will drive my career decision - and that is not what I want.

RBOC

To keep my promise of weekday daily blogging, here are some random bullets (as I don't seem able to muster anything more coherent on a Monday morning).

• the wee babe bouncing around inside my belly has become super active over the course of this weekend - from only noticing its movements a few times a day, to feeling them pretty much throughout the entire day
• I need a nickname for this baby. Calling it just "the baby" or "it" isn't satisfactory. Any ideas?
• I did a whole lot of cleaning this weekend. Then I got to experience sciatica.
• Watched a lot of movies, and tv shows too:
• Hot Fuzz - pretty darned funny. Also it made me want to eat ice cream drumsticks. Mr. Daybyday got bonus points for running out to the store and getting some for me.
• Stranger than Fiction - very charming. And a pretty impressive cast!
• I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - disappointing. Either Adam Sandler is losing his touch, or I'm growing up.
• The Riches - tv show I had never heard about (we don't have cable) - But I'm a big Eddie Izzard fan, so what's not to love??? Also stars Minnie Driver who I also enjoy. So far we've only watched 4 episodes, but I really enjoyed them!
• Meerkat Manor - I fell in love with this series during its first season (didn't know there was a second or a third season until a NY times article announcing the death of one of the main "characters"). Anyway - I'm on episode 3 of season 2.
  
• Xena - I'm starting from the beginning, with episode 1, season 1. I've seen many episodes of the entire series over the years, though I'm not a crazed Xena fan. I have, however, gone out for Halloween as Gabrielle with a friend who dressed as Xena. I just enjoy a good female warrior kicking butt now and then.

• I am desperately trying to hold onto the motivation that seemed to return to me last week (for my research)
• Last night as I was falling asleep, I once again freaked out over the fact that I still don't know what kind of job I want to have when I leave this postdoc in a year or two. But at least I'm sort of narrowing things down. And seeing the counsellor tomorrow.
  

The return of motivation, and more career indecision

Lately I have been suffering a terrible bout of boredom, and frustration in the lab. My motivation all but evaporated while I was waiting week after week to meet with Advisor to discuss projects. Finally Advisor was able to fit me into his busy schedule, and we had a pretty good talk. BUT, I was still not excited in the least about the project ideas we discussed.

Sigh.

Then last weekend, on the drive up to see my parents, Mr. Daybyday and I had enough extra time to squeeze in a visit to wonderful grad school! Seeing all my old pals, and even my phD advisor was a breath of fresh air (though I purposefully dodged phD advisor's questions about how things were going in the lab).

It was a nice relaxing weekend, full of wonderful food (we attended a fantastic wedding, plus Canadian thanksgiving dinner - so my pregnant self was in heaven from all the awesome food!!), and the baby bump got lots of attention from family and friends back home.

Arriving back in postdoc town, I received an email from phD advisor telling me how my visit was the highlight of his otherwise not so great day. It was as close to an emotional email as I think phD advisor can write. I was very touched. I wrote back and finally disclosed to phD advisor how things really have been going for me in postdoc lab, and how I've been struggling to figure out my next career move.

I had been afraid to tell phD advisor these things for fear of disappointing him. But instead, phD advisor wrote back and was exceptionally supportive (although, in hind-sight, I should have expected this instead of his disappointment)! PhD advisor even managed to spark my enthusiasm for research again, and suddenly the funk that I've been in started to lift.

I'm still not feeling like an eager beaver just yet, but it's a step in the right direction. And it's got me thinking (again) that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be a prof after all. I wonder if I'll ever make up my mind....

Wouldn't it be nice

Propter doc at post doc ergo propter doc has got me totally jonesing for a vacation!

I haven't been on a proper vacation in a long time - at least a few years anyway, and it was tagged onto the end of a trip to europe where I ran a marathon. So I was pretty darned sore afterwards - but it was still lovely. It was a backpacking adventure, so it wasn't all that relaxing per se, but it was still a break from my regular life as a grad student (back then). Mr. Daybyday went with me too.

But that was probably the first and only vacation that we've had together. And I haven't even been sent to any exotic conferences since - they've all been spectacularly non-vacationy.

And, AND! I have to admit that Mr. Daybyday and I never even had a honeymoon. I defended my PhD 10 days after our wedding, and within a week of that we were moving to new postdoc location. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best way to plan things - but we were eager to get settled in our new location - and it would have been hard to relax on a honeymoon knowing we still had the stress of moving to come back to. So we thought we'd put it off and go later in the year.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Now I'm entering my second trimester, and seriously wondering if it'll be years before I can have a proper vacation again? Does anyone have experience taking little ones on vacation with them? Or any advice?

In other news - the therapist/counsellor I've been seeing to help me sort out my career plans said that I had a breakthrough! This week I told her I had come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up being a scientist (that was the breakthrough, in case you're wondering). I had just gotten myself stuck into a mode of thinking that didn't allow me to define scientist as anything beyond professor (to be clear, I know that graduate students and postdocs also qualify as scientists, but I was looking further ahead in my career). But there are all sorts of other scientists who have careers as scientists, without being professors. And that's what I think I might do next, after this postdoc. There are some government research labs back home that look promising - and in their "why work for us" blurb, they actually have a section on "work/life balance"!! Incredible!

This is for Katie

Poor Katie at Minor Revisions has been having a rather rough time as of late. Luckily she has a friend who convinced her to finally go to the hospital and get her busted up ankle looked at. But in addition to being more or less mobility-challenged for now, Katie also has some stress inducing job interviews on the horizon!

So Katie needs some help to pass the time until her ankle heals, and to help distract her from the anxiety of waiting for the job interview to happen (among other things - go read her blog to get the full update!).

Since Katie almost always has updates on her blog when I'm in need of a distraction, I figured the least I could do was return the favor in her time of need.

And so, although I don't really have anything in particular to blog about, here goes:

Today when I left home to head into the lab I noticed that one of the trees near where I live has gone fiery orange! I love seeing the first signs of fall - it has always been my absolute favorite time of year - perfect temperature, and beautiful colours! Normally the first leaves that change are pretty subtle - but this whole tree looked like it was on fire! It made my day! :)

I've also been re-reading Po Bronson's "What Should I Do With My Life?" I had mentioned in a previous post that I had first read this book while wrapping up my PhD. And since the counsellor that I've been seeing to help me figure out what to do with my career gave me homework (figuring out what part of the world I most want to save/what cause I most want to devote myself to), I thought maybe that book might trigger something.

Anyway, I can't believe how much of that book I had forgotten! I remember a select few stories - but upon re-reading I realize that some of the stories that are most relevant and insightful to me now are ones that I had completely forgotten. So I'm glad that I decided to read this book again, but also a little unsettled that I could forget so much.

Anyway, one of the first few stories that I've re-read in the book talks about a woman who had been looking for her cause her whole life, and finally realized that it had been staring her in the face the whole time. She had been a kidney transplant patient as a young adult - did the long waiting list, dialysis, and suffered through a transplant that her body rejected before finally getting one that stayed. And her mother had even lost a kidney when this woman was younger. Her cause turned out to be related to organ transplant patients, and advocacy and policy for those programs. She left a cushy, but unrewarding job at a big law firm (she had gone through law school in search of her passion), and was unemployed for a year, while volunteering and awaiting her dream job. Luckily things worked out for her, and she did manage to land that dream job.

But what really struck me about her story was that she had a cause in her life all along, but was oblivious to it for so long. It made me wonder what causes I could also be ignoring or not acknowledging in my own life. I tried to think about what made me feel passionate as a kid. I was always a green earth environmentalist as a kid, and I still do have very strong feelings about sustainability. But there is something even more personal in my life that despite all my training in areas like genetics I have avoided beyond a very preliminary interest. My younger brother has a developmental disability. It has a name (which I won't reveal here, for the sake of pseudo anonymity), but it is similar in some ways to Down's Syndrome. There is quite a bit known about the genetics and cognitive abilities of people like my brother, but I could never have gone into actual research about his syndrome because I could never consider my brother a "subject." And I also never thought my brother needed to be "cured."

But because of my parents involvement in issues and advocacy for people with special needs, I have basically been a very informed, experienced advocate myself. For my entire life (well, ever since I can remember anyway). Could this be a cause that has been staring me in the face? I'm not sure how it would fit in with my science training - but I have developed a pretty nice set of skills through my training that can be transferred to non-academic settings.

Well anyway, just some food for thought - and hopefully as I continue to re-read Po Bronson's book there will be more to come.

random update

I am SO close to finishing all the revisions for my latest manuscript. Just a few more edits after which I'll send the revised version to PA. Then hopefully we can send it back to the associate editor for publication! That would be delightful.

Then I have to start worrying about an upcoming conference and the talk I'll be giving there. When I registered for the conference and requested to give a talk, I also decided to try for one of those sort of "prestige" talks that they offer for recent phD students and new postdocs - a small number of the applicants are selected to give talks to the entire mass of conference attendees (no concurrent sessions). I guess I jazzed up my abstract enough to catch their attention and got myself selected! Woohoo! But also, "OH CRAP!"

I was so nervous preparing for my talk at the smallish conference I attended earlier this year - I just know I'll be more nervous for this one, and I don't look forward to that part. I really hope I get over this quickly. I've given plenty of talks to audiences throughout my academic life - but conferences still get to me. Well at least my talk will be during the first few days of the conference, rather than at the very end.

Aside from that I've been extremely happy to have Mr. Daybyday back home with me. He brought home with him some amazing stories and pictures from his adventure. Maybe next time I will be able to go with him.

And I'm still very much on the fence about this whole academic career thing. I think I'm just too scared to make an actual decision. I should probably start contacting some of the people I know who do research in government labs to set up some informational interviews. I just don't feel like I've done enough to prepare for those yet. Damn, I'm good at procrastinating.

Five lives

Another one of those "self exploration" exercises has really got me thinking. You're supposed to imagine that you could have 5 lives in which you could explore 5 different careers, lifestyles, the whole sha-bang! So far I have only come up with 3.

The first one that popped into my mind was, of course, to be a martial artist. It's funny how I sort of view this as my secret little quirky passion. Almost like I am a little embarrassed about it. I think it is more because I'm not the greatest martial artist - I just happen to be good enough at some of the styles I've tried to get enough positive feedback to make me want to learn more. I can imagine myself learning lots of different styles, and becoming an instructor. There is just something so intrinsically rewarding about practicing a martial art and passing on that knowledge. It is almost spiritual. It makes me feel at peace, even though most practices leave me sweaty and out of breath. So yeah, if I had 5 lives, I'd probably spend at least one of them exploring martial arts whole-heartedly.

The next one that I decided was to be a research scientist (talk about imagination!). I guess it is a either a good sign that I would spend at least one of my 5 lives doing what I am on the path to doing now - OR a bad sign that this life of science has sapped all of my creative juices so that I cannot even think of much else to do with my life. But I'll try and stay positive and take it as a good sign. I don't imagine myself as a professor - but that could also be because I've been resisting that particular "flavor" of research at the moment. I can imagine working in either a big (maybe even top secret!) government lab, or maybe some other large organization. I picture myself working along side very bright people towards a common goal. I'd like to think that the research would be of the utmost importance and of benefit to humanity. And it would tickle the little kid in me to be using or pushing the advancement of some really cool technology too. It just seems so much more exciting and rewarding than what I do right now (which seems sterile and obscure in comparison).

The third career/lifestyle that I could come up with was to be an advocate or somehow involved in policy change and revolution. Again the major theme would be to benefit humanity and make a positive difference in the world. Maybe I would act as a liaison between the scientists and politicians to prevent silly political whims from pulling the plug on otherwise revolutionary and potentially ground breaking research. Or maybe I would be an advocate for diversity - be it special needs issues, gender issues, racial issues - I think there is a lot to be said for a proper training in genetics in allowing folks to understand what difference and diversity actually mean. The world is becoming more and more of a global venture - it is about time we started helping people utilize diversity for good rather than ... well rather than for what it seems to be used for now, which is bad.

Anyway, I'm still working on what to do with the other two lives. I know I'd love to travel - but I've got to pay the bills somehow, and I've always sort of known that I want to love my career. We spend so much time at our jobs that it just never made sense to me to choose a career that you don't love if you have any say in the matter. But for some people the trade off is worth it - the job only takes up their 9-5 lives, and doesn't get to touch the rest. Maybe I would spend one of my 5 lives like that, just to see what I'm missing.

Priorities

In evaluating my career goals (this is supposed to be one of the first steps if you're searching for that elusive dream job), I think I have discovered a few things about myself that I hadn't acknowledged previously.

First, money does matter. I don't need incredible amounts of money (but it wouldn't hurt!) to feel satisfied, but there is a real connection in my mind between pay and recognition for doing a good job or something of value. If I were to earn more than a professor, I think I could more easily get rid of the notion that leaving academia is a "step down." However, the more I read about careers outside the ivory tower, the more that notion is evaporating on its own.

As I continue my day to day activities as a postdoc here at fantastic U, I can recognize many things I would miss about leaving academia (virtually no dress code, very flexible hours, so much opportunity for leisure activities through campus groups/clubs/teams, a sense of community, some notion that I have the time and encouragement to continue learning new topics and skills, and travelling the world to attend conferences). But some of these things are not guaranteed at all institutions. And some of these could possibly be found outside of academia. But because my experience is so limited (and confined to only two very great universities), it is hard to know what aspects of an academic career are rigidly imposed everywhere, and which ones are variable.

If I were to pursue a tenure track faculty position, in the country where I am from (and where I will return after this postdoc) virtually all universities appear to have a 45:45:10 ratio for research, teaching and service requirements. Although research tends to be emphasized more than teaching. But as much as I would like to be a role model and mentor for students, I really have no passion for teaching. I have been told that I am a good teacher - but I was also good in math, and I didn't pursue that beyond undergrad either. Being good at something is not always enough.

I feel that if I really dedicated myself to teaching I could do a good job. But I do not think that being a tenure track faculty member would allow me the time I would need to prepare the way I would want to for teaching. So either my research would suffer, or I would never feel adequately prepared for teaching. From my experience most professors chose research over teaching, maybe not even deliberately, and the students end up with mediocre classes - that is just not good enough! They are paying a lot of money for their education, they at least deserve passionate teachers! But far too often in academia teaching is undervalued, and research seems to be the only universal measure of success. This just seems so wrong to me.

I really enjoy being a mentor - in fact I am passionate about helping people. I enjoy the one-on-one time I have spent with undergrads and fellow grad students. But it seems that to get such a balance (research, mentoring, and little to no-classroom teaching) you have to leave the ivory tower of my country.

A research career in a national lab, rather than at a university might resolve this issue for me. But I still have a lot to investigate about what the day to day work is like. And I still feel like I'm abandonning all my potential future students if I turn away from teaching. This academic career has become so ingrained that it makes me feel guilty about imaginary students from the future!

If I were at my old university, this would be the perfect time to head over to the on campus pub for a drink on the patio. Instead I will sit at my desk and read a review paper. Because that's what we do at fantastic U.

Mental marathon

I have run a real marathon - the 26.2 mile kind. It was hard, exhausting, and emotional - but I knew I had trained enough, and I knew it was a finite experience. There was a distinct finish line. Although it was probably one of the most incredible and fantastic experiences of my life, I doubt I will ever run another.

Lately I've started to feel like I'm "hitting the wall" mentally. In long distance running, you "hit the wall" when you deplete all your carb stores/electrolytes - you literally run out of free energy in your body. If you don't give yourself some fuel, you risk eating away at yourself instead. That's why distance runners usually have sports drinks, or energy gels - to prevent hitting the wall. I don't know what to take to prevent hitting my mental wall.

Academia seems like a never ending mental marathon - it is probably the only career that allows you to continually learn in very large magnitudes. It is the closest thing to being a perpetual student. I really do enjoy learning. I can't imagine not having the time or energy to accumulate more knowledge and understanding of how the world works. And yet, it feels like my brain is reaching maximum capacity. I worry that every new bit of information going in will push some other bit of information out. Soon I won't remember how to tie my shoes. Good thing I mostly wear slip-on footwear.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I began to struggle with my career path while completing my PhD. I had been to a career counsellor, and we ended up deciding that I would use my time here at fantastic U to explore my options. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud. I managed to secure a nice fellowship for my postdoc, but I wonder if I would have been given the fellowship if the granting agency had known that I have doubts about continuing in academia. I also haven't been putting in much effort to explore other career options. I think I just didn't know where to start, and the thought of leaving this path is very scary. But staying on this path is draining me.

I went to a seminar this week for postdocs looking for their dream job. The speaker acknowledged that of all the PhD's that are granted in the US, only about 12% will secure facutly positions. So what other careers are there for PhD holders? The speaker listed off all the various jobs that her grad school cohort now held. There was one facutly member, but the rest ranged from patent lawyers/associates, policy makers, industry, navy, writers/editors, to jobs like the speaker's that involved more service to the masses, and people. It was relieving to hear so many options. And so many that didn't seem like a step down from the all holy faculty position.

I am waiting for my copy of "Put Your Science to Work" to arrive today. I hope it will help me begin to explore more conretely the options available to me.

Wish me luck!

Musings and martial arts

I'll start off with a quick update on my academic life. I finished writing up a script for my talk this weekend. I don't expect to memorize it, but I just find that once I've taken the time to write down the major points I want to make sure I remember to say, I feel more relaxed, and organized. I use my slides more for a visual cue, and to give the audience something to look at while I'm speaking. I don't like putting too much text on my slides, because I figure either the audience won't bother reading it anyway, or will have a hard time concentrating on either my voice, or the text on the slide while both are being projected to them at once. I try to emulate speakers I enjoy listening to. But I'm sure that I've still got a lot to learn. It is my hope that I will never, EVER, go over-time. It is the one thing that will almost always ruin a talk for me, and therefore, I wouldn't want to make my audience stay longer than they have to either.

Also on the academic front, while I was reading PhD Mom's extremely helpful post on how to write a faculty package I had a project idea jump into my head! So I emailed PA (who is out of town for a conference) about said idea, and was quite proud of myself. The project might not be feasible in the end, but I was just so pleased that a novel idea came to me - one that is quite different from the projects I am used to thinking about. Yay! I may just be able to do this academia thing afterall.

And if not, I could always become a martial arts instructor. This is being a little presumptuous, seeing as I have yet to achieve instructor rank in any of the martial arts I have studied thus far. However, this is the first time that I've gotten back into martial arts as an adult. I took some martial arts classes before I went to highschool (and yes, I am being vague on purpose) - for a few years even. My instructors told me that I had a beautiful punch. And the head instructor would always ask me to go to competitions and represent our club for the forms competition (where you perform the choreographed moves for each rank). I never went. I think I was too shy, or scared or something. Hell, I remember in the very first class I was so scared and nervous that my knees were literally shaking, and I was so worried the other kids in the class were going to notice my pants jittering at the knees. Thank goodness my parents got me into those classes. I can only imagine what a passive wreck I'd be if I didn't have the self-confidence I learned there.

Eventually we started sparring in class. I went undefeated, and yet, I remember having so much anxiety before every match. I think that is ultimately what made me stop going. That and I was starting highschool. Lots of transitions. But I think I would have wanted to continue if I wasn't so worried about having to spar again.

Fast forward about 15 years. I joined a martial arts group here at fantastic university - a different style from my previous training. I joined because the group came highly recommended from a friend, it was convenient, and I missed being involved in a martial art. I didn't realize how much I had missed it until I was back in the fold. I really really missed it. Because of my previous experience I was able to master the basics of this new style fairly quick, and have gone up a few ranks in this group. I am at roughly an equivalent level now to the one I was at when I left my old club. But the biggest difference is I no longer have anxiety about sparring! I don't know if it's just that I'm no longer the lone girl always sparring with a bunch of immature boys, or if I'm just less anxious in general now that I'm older. But I'm actually learning about sparring strategies for people of my stature, and having a really great time. I also really enjoy being able to teach fellow students. Even though I don't often out-rank them by much (or at all), I think because of my previous experience in another martial art, I can see the technical qualities of what we are being taught and therefore am better able to help the newer students figure out how to do the techniques as well. I enjoy it so much that I often wonder if I could follow in the footsteps of my current instructors and become a teacher myself - or even run my own club/school someday! ha! All of these day dreams and I'm still only about half way up the rank system.

What I really enjoy about these thoughts is the fact that I seem to have found a passion again - and a lost passion at that! It gives me hope - hope that I have something I'm good at and enjoy enough that if this academia thing doesn't work out for me, I know that there is something else out there that makes me happy and wouldn't feel like a step down. It may look like a step down to other people, but it wouldn't feel like one to me.

During the last year of my PhD I read Po Bronson's book "What Should I Do With My Life?" and at the end I was pretty dismayed by the fact that I really didn't have a passion. Sure I enjoyed science, but at the time I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and under-enthusiastic. So many of the happy stories in Bronson's book revealed that the person in question had been able to identify a latent or novel passion, and then ran with it. I was still searching.

But I think I may have stumbled back into mine.