groggy

Sorry for the infrequent posting - this little chickpea sized tenant sure knows how to keep me occupied! I don't mind the fatigue so much, but the constant nausea is really no fun at all. It's quite strange the eating habits this little one is making me adopt. I had to stop worrying that I was eating like crap, and instead just try to eat anything that wouldn't make me feel sick - even if that means all I eat some days is watermelon, popcorn, and ice cream. It has nothing to do with "cravings" - just that virtually everything else triggers my nausea.

But enough of that (seriously, bring on the second trimester already, and hope that the nausea fades by then!), I've been thinking a lot about the next career move (again).... I am by most accounts the main bread winner in my little family of 2+. Mr. Daybyday is on a new career track but right now most positions he can get are entry level. And because we moved abroad to follow my career, I feel pretty obligated to make things work and continue earning a pretty penny.

And yet, I just don't find research all that fulfilling anymore. I know that I go through phases of ups and downs, and this may just be a local down - but I'm not so sure that it's not a bigger trend. So now I'm trying to think of what kind of faculty position would be able to give me fulfillment that the research just doesn't seem to.... And maybe a position at a university without a grad program would be ideal. There are loads of folks out there who still do some research with undergraduate students, and maybe teaching would be more of what I'm looking for - interaction with people, and maybe more time for outreach programs. Maybe I'm kidding myself and the teaching load would be too heavy, but I have some people to contact and ask about their experience in similar careers - so we'll find out!

new bras

Wow, I never expected the early stages of pregnancy to be so quick with some of the physical changes I've been noticing. I had to go buy some new bras today because my regular bras are so tight now they hurt! I went up a cup size already. That's just nuts!

Also, what's with all the peeing? There is no big heavy baby pressing on top of my bladder yet, but my bladder thinks otherwise - waking me up during the night to tell me so...

Both sets of grandparents were very happy about our news, and I'm wanting to tell more close friends, but I had wanted to wait at least until my first appointment with the doctor today where I thought that they would confirm the pregnancy and do a prenatal check up. They confirmed the pregnancy ("It's very positive" she said), and then proceeded to tell me that they don't do prenatal care, and would set up a referral to an OB-GYN/midwife. I wish the receptionist had told me this when I booked today's appointment! I wouldn't have gotten myself nearly as worked up. Anyway, I have an appointment with a midwife in a few weeks (apparently I was lucky to get one that soon?), and I'll try my best to think positive and not worry until then. Yeah right. I'm such a worrier.

Ah well, at least I have some new bras that don't hurt.

whoa

Aaaaarg!

Bah! Ack! Blargle!

Have you ever had to deal with a journal embargo? Have you ever had to deal with it when things get out before they are supposed to?

What a lovely mess....

Impostor syndrome

I have impostor syndrome. I know that I test well, and that I've got an impressive academic CV, but I still have serious doubts about my ability to succeed further in academia. I think this is one of the main reasons why I'm hesitant to continue (and yet, not desperately searching for other careers - because I'm averse to change). I'm so worried that I won't be able to meet the expectations that my performance so far has produced.

However, I don't want to give up. But I also don't want to take on a career that simply stresses me out without providing enough fulfillment in return.

I have been feeling this way for some time - but it was particularly sharpened after getting back from the conference. I wasn't pumped and excited to get back to work. Normally conferences stimulate. There were loads of fascinating talks, and stimulating ideas at this conference, but it just didn't have the desired effect on me this time. When I arrived home after the conference it felt much the same as the time I realized I no longer got a rush from roller coasters anymore. It made me a little sad.

Then I show up to the lab and find mail on my desk announcing that I have been chosen to receive this really awesome, and prestigious award by Hugest Society of My Country - because I am, according to them, a postdoc "with outstanding qualifications in scholarship and research" and they made my research sound so amazing and groundbreakingly important. I was deeply honored.

And yet I still feel as though I've unintentionally fooled them all.

Resisting change

Sometimes I think I'm pretty darned lucky that I was born when I was. Because I'm really not that well adapted, and today's society, at least in the part of the world where I reside, is much more forgiving of my downfalls. Had I been born farther back in the past, I probably would have died from stress related to change.

I have the annoying ability of turning into a nervous wreck over the silliest things. Because at the time, they don't seem silly to me - they seem HUGE. Other times I just get into a funk, without any major breakdown - but it is still frustrating none-the-less.

Case in point: Mr. Daybyday has a new work schedule. This means that I now have a new day to day schedule - our old routine, which was difficult for me, is now gone. I should be happy, ecstatic even! But I find myself struggling to find a new routine that doesn't leave me feeling lost. Our new routine even gives me a bunch more free time on my own - time to do those things that I never end up doing when Mr. Daybyday is around - like really long phone calls with friends.

I know it will just take some time before this new routine becomes comfortable and familiar, but in the mean time I'm sort of annoyed that change has this affect on me. I guess I'm just a creature of habit.

That being said, I do get excited about some changes - like when I think about dream jobs that I do not currently hold. I just need to take that excitement and convert it to action, rather than letting it pass for the sake of maintaining routine.

Sarong Theorem

Since it is Friday, I thought I would give you all a little treat:

Well, it's a treat if you're like me and enjoy seeing people prove theorems while wearing sarongs.

fertility

I am still amazed that I want to get pregnant. I'm also amazed that after all those years of trying so desperately to prevent pregnancy, conception appears a smidgen more difficult to achieve than I had anticipated.

Mr. Daybyday bought us a book called "The Mother of all pregnancy books" by Ann Douglas. It has some extensive sections on pre-conception and things to increase the chances of conception. It is also much more informative than I had thought it would be. I have learned about some interesting details of human reproduction that I hadn't already known (which is impressive, since I'm a scientist and all).

But it also got me thinking of some possible fertility issues that we might have. My mother's side of the family appears quite fecund. But on my father's side I remember hearing that my grandmother had some miscarriages in between the birth of my father and his only sibling (they are separated by 20 years!).

I'm not overly worried. But just find it ironic that after all the turmoil of finally deciding to try and get pregnant, it is taking longer than I thought it would.

disenheartened

Things are going really well at the conference, despite the title of this post. My talk, for instance, seemed to be a great success. I wasn't nearly as anxious as I thought I'd be leading up to the talk - although I was counting down the hours from the time I woke up. But overall, it was a pretty fantastic experience. Biggest crowd I've spoken in front of - a little under 1000 people. And my phD advisor, who was also in attendance (PA was not at this conference), had the nicest and most rewarding words for me afterwards. He was very proud.

And there have been plenty of really fascinating symposia topics so far (that has helped to keep me from obsessing before my talk - too interested in the other talks).

So with all these interesting symposia, and my talk going as well as I could have hoped, why am I feeling so disenheartened? I think it is because this is the first conference where I've noticed "the club."

I used to get almost star-struck when I finally caught a glimpse of any big name scientist in person. But now I guess I've been around the block enough to finally notice the subtle snubbing during talks, and the political ego boosting that goes on too. I understand that science is full of some very peculiar personalities, but I just wish success didn't have to depend on who likes who and other silly ego dependent games.

Maybe I would feel differently if I was in "the club" with all the other big names. But seeing as how the work of my former labmate (from my phD lab) was completely snubbed during some talks, despite the speakers having cited his work in their publications (which means they are award of it!), if my friends/academic siblings are not in the club, I doubt that I am either.

It's all just very disenheartening to think you can work so hard, and produce great work, but still not be recognized as successful because you're not best friends with the big names. That is also why I generally think less of PNAS as a journal - I've seen some people crap on paper and get it published simply because they were a member or close with a member of the academy. But that is a subject better left for a post of its own.

Ah well. I don't want to sound whiny. I'm just sad that this conference hasn't made me feel pumped about science like they usually do. I hope they're not all going to have this effect from now on.