RBOC

To keep my promise of weekday daily blogging, here are some random bullets (as I don't seem able to muster anything more coherent on a Monday morning).

• the wee babe bouncing around inside my belly has become super active over the course of this weekend - from only noticing its movements a few times a day, to feeling them pretty much throughout the entire day
• I need a nickname for this baby. Calling it just "the baby" or "it" isn't satisfactory. Any ideas?
• I did a whole lot of cleaning this weekend. Then I got to experience sciatica.
• Watched a lot of movies, and tv shows too:
• Hot Fuzz - pretty darned funny. Also it made me want to eat ice cream drumsticks. Mr. Daybyday got bonus points for running out to the store and getting some for me.
• Stranger than Fiction - very charming. And a pretty impressive cast!
• I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - disappointing. Either Adam Sandler is losing his touch, or I'm growing up.
• The Riches - tv show I had never heard about (we don't have cable) - But I'm a big Eddie Izzard fan, so what's not to love??? Also stars Minnie Driver who I also enjoy. So far we've only watched 4 episodes, but I really enjoyed them!
• Meerkat Manor - I fell in love with this series during its first season (didn't know there was a second or a third season until a NY times article announcing the death of one of the main "characters"). Anyway - I'm on episode 3 of season 2.
  
• Xena - I'm starting from the beginning, with episode 1, season 1. I've seen many episodes of the entire series over the years, though I'm not a crazed Xena fan. I have, however, gone out for Halloween as Gabrielle with a friend who dressed as Xena. I just enjoy a good female warrior kicking butt now and then.

• I am desperately trying to hold onto the motivation that seemed to return to me last week (for my research)
• Last night as I was falling asleep, I once again freaked out over the fact that I still don't know what kind of job I want to have when I leave this postdoc in a year or two. But at least I'm sort of narrowing things down. And seeing the counsellor tomorrow.
  

belly belly belly

I have decided that I neglect this blog far too much. I am going to try really hard to update it daily - or at least daily during the weekdays. Afterall, I spend all day at a computer hooked up to the internet!

I might not have all that much to say (like this morning) - but instead of keeping all the little tidbits silent until I manage to piece them into a larger post (or forget them completely as is usually the case), I'll just attempt to post them as they arise.

So today, I will tell you about my belly.

On Monday I finally went and bought some maternity pants. It's been a long time (maybe 2 months?) since my regular pants could be worn fully zipped/buttoned up. I had been using a "belly sleeve" or "bella band" (depending on the brand) which is just an elastic/stretchy tube of fabric that goes over your undone pants, to cover up (and keep your pants from falling down) the open zipper/buttoned part, and then you wear a shirt over top, and the belly sleeve just appears to be the bottom of a shirt layered underneath your regular shirt. It's pretty fantastic, and allows you to make more use of your regular pants, BUT, I found that every time I stood up from being seated, I generally had to do some major adjusting to put things back in their proper place.

But now, with these nifty new maternity pants (1 pair of jeans, and 2 pair of slacks) I don't have to fiddle around with adjustments anymore! AND they are SOOOOO comfortable (and pretty darned stylish too!). And two more bonus points for the maternity store having a petite section, so I didn't have to do any hemming, and lastly, not one pair was more than $25! Incredible! Here I thought I'd have to spend a fortune on a temporary wardrobe to accommodate my ever expanding "speed bump."

And for those of you who many be wondering, a friend loaned me all her maternity clothes, so I was set for tops, but she's taller than I am, so none of her pants fit.

And finally, I used to have an innie. I never could quite see the very deepest part of my belly button before. But now, nearly half way through the pregnancy, the bottom of the button is quickly coming to the surface. It's nearly completely flat (not an innie), and I wonder if it will become an outie before the baby is born.

Wouldn't it be nice

Propter doc at post doc ergo propter doc has got me totally jonesing for a vacation!

I haven't been on a proper vacation in a long time - at least a few years anyway, and it was tagged onto the end of a trip to europe where I ran a marathon. So I was pretty darned sore afterwards - but it was still lovely. It was a backpacking adventure, so it wasn't all that relaxing per se, but it was still a break from my regular life as a grad student (back then). Mr. Daybyday went with me too.

But that was probably the first and only vacation that we've had together. And I haven't even been sent to any exotic conferences since - they've all been spectacularly non-vacationy.

And, AND! I have to admit that Mr. Daybyday and I never even had a honeymoon. I defended my PhD 10 days after our wedding, and within a week of that we were moving to new postdoc location. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best way to plan things - but we were eager to get settled in our new location - and it would have been hard to relax on a honeymoon knowing we still had the stress of moving to come back to. So we thought we'd put it off and go later in the year.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Now I'm entering my second trimester, and seriously wondering if it'll be years before I can have a proper vacation again? Does anyone have experience taking little ones on vacation with them? Or any advice?

In other news - the therapist/counsellor I've been seeing to help me sort out my career plans said that I had a breakthrough! This week I told her I had come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up being a scientist (that was the breakthrough, in case you're wondering). I had just gotten myself stuck into a mode of thinking that didn't allow me to define scientist as anything beyond professor (to be clear, I know that graduate students and postdocs also qualify as scientists, but I was looking further ahead in my career). But there are all sorts of other scientists who have careers as scientists, without being professors. And that's what I think I might do next, after this postdoc. There are some government research labs back home that look promising - and in their "why work for us" blurb, they actually have a section on "work/life balance"!! Incredible!

Less groggy

Sorry for the lack of posting lately - morning (afternoon and night) sickness took me out of commission for quite a while. But thankfully (I hope!) the worst of that is behind me.

I started feeling a bit better last week while my family was visiting. I still couldn't manage to go out with them to eat - but I was starting to stomach some regular food again. I ventured out with them for about two hours one day, but had to come home and rest afterwards.

I gotta say, I never realized how different day to day life can be when you're pregnant. Now that I am pregnant, I find out all about the fatigue and nausea - but it just never occurred to me before how much these two things can influence life when you are pregnant. And then I hear tales of some women who didn't even realize they were pregnant until they were about 6 months along!

Anyway, it was a really great visit with my family, and my mom came with me to my first ultrasound appointment (Mr. Daybyday was very upset that he had to miss that one because of work - but he'll be at the next one). I was so relieved to see that the baby really was a baby (so it wasn't a molar pregnancy) and that it was in the uterus where it was supposed to be (not ectopic). But the most amazing part of the ultrasound was when I saw the little one's heart beating! Suddenly the pregnancy felt so real! Not that the nausea didn't feel real, but seeing the little heart beating really brought home that there was a living entity inside me! I imagine that feeling the baby move will have a similar effect on me when it happens.

So yeah, I felt well enough to come back into work this week. I still don't have my full appetite back, despite being hungry ALL THE TIME - but I was able to handle food smells in my building without too much trouble yesterday.

new bras

Wow, I never expected the early stages of pregnancy to be so quick with some of the physical changes I've been noticing. I had to go buy some new bras today because my regular bras are so tight now they hurt! I went up a cup size already. That's just nuts!

Also, what's with all the peeing? There is no big heavy baby pressing on top of my bladder yet, but my bladder thinks otherwise - waking me up during the night to tell me so...

Both sets of grandparents were very happy about our news, and I'm wanting to tell more close friends, but I had wanted to wait at least until my first appointment with the doctor today where I thought that they would confirm the pregnancy and do a prenatal check up. They confirmed the pregnancy ("It's very positive" she said), and then proceeded to tell me that they don't do prenatal care, and would set up a referral to an OB-GYN/midwife. I wish the receptionist had told me this when I booked today's appointment! I wouldn't have gotten myself nearly as worked up. Anyway, I have an appointment with a midwife in a few weeks (apparently I was lucky to get one that soon?), and I'll try my best to think positive and not worry until then. Yeah right. I'm such a worrier.

Ah well, at least I have some new bras that don't hurt.

whoa

fertility

I am still amazed that I want to get pregnant. I'm also amazed that after all those years of trying so desperately to prevent pregnancy, conception appears a smidgen more difficult to achieve than I had anticipated.

Mr. Daybyday bought us a book called "The Mother of all pregnancy books" by Ann Douglas. It has some extensive sections on pre-conception and things to increase the chances of conception. It is also much more informative than I had thought it would be. I have learned about some interesting details of human reproduction that I hadn't already known (which is impressive, since I'm a scientist and all).

But it also got me thinking of some possible fertility issues that we might have. My mother's side of the family appears quite fecund. But on my father's side I remember hearing that my grandmother had some miscarriages in between the birth of my father and his only sibling (they are separated by 20 years!).

I'm not overly worried. But just find it ironic that after all the turmoil of finally deciding to try and get pregnant, it is taking longer than I thought it would.

Losing control

While trying to chose an appropriate title for this post, I accidentally realized what has been causing my unsettling feelings since the decision was made to no longer prevent a pregnancy. What scares me and worries me the most about this situation (and most situations that I obsess about) is the plethora of "what if"s.

What if I can't handle being a parent? What if it is the wrong decision for me? What if I try my best and it just isn't enough? All these worries, and I don't even know if we will be able to get pregnant.

The commonality, however, is that they all revolve around me having some vague notion of control over my life. Right now I feel as though I am in control, more or less, of my life. Sure there are a billion things that contributed to where I am now that I had no control over, and lots more that continue to lead me along this path or that - but for some reason I worry that becoming a parent, or even just getting pregnant will suddenly loosen whatever grip I feel I have on the reigns.

I've known that I am a control freak for a long time. I don't really like the term as it suggests that most people don't like being in control, and those that are, well, they're freaks. That's just silly. The whole idea of free will is based upon having some control, and owning it. Isn't it? Well in any case, I don't want to have control over everything - but there is a tipping point, it seems, in my mind, where if I have less control than that, I start to feel helpless. And I worry that being a parent will take me to that limit or beyond. Scares the hell out of me.

This should be an adventure - we can't always control what happens to us, only how we react to what happens to us. But I find that I am talking myself into the idea of becoming a parent - maybe that's only because this feeling of wanting a baby of my own is so new. So I question it, just as I question most of my new purchases ("Do I really need this? Do I really like it?") and decisions (I used to feel sick after re-arranging the furniture - not physically ill, but anxious at the very least). Maybe I just don't trust myself, or maybe I'm just being neurotic and need to calm the hell down.

I'm just scared because not knowing if I can get pregnant, or when it will happen, or how it will affect my life is a little unsettling for me - so many unknowns - so many things that I don't know if I have any control over. Well at least I have a terrific partner who's willing to see me through this, and knows me well enough to make me bring my head out of the sand every now and then.

Knowledge

It is funny how knowledge can influence our daily lives. For most of the day I was preoccuppied with the uncertainty of whether or not I was pregnant. Yesterday I didn't mind waiting a little while longer to find out. But today, my patience had evaporated. It didn't help that I was feeling a little queasy for most of the day (including, of course, the morning).

I did, however, manage to have a terrific meeting with PA where some exciting project ideas were discussed. I have much reading to do now! Luckily my pregnancy preoccupation did not hinder my brain in the meeting. The same thing cannot be said for the remainder of my day. I couldn't even make my way through a 2 paged "letter" from a journal.

On the way home from work, the husband and I picked up a home pregnancy test. My dear husband prepared dinner for us while I went and did the test.

In clear digital letters on the results window it said "Not pregnant."

I went to show my husband the results. He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. We were both sad.

The truth is, we both want to have a baby, I've just been too scared and too worried to actually admit that. There are other truths that might prevent us from ever having our own children, including my husband being exposed to radiation at a nuclear power plant several years back. I've always wondered if I might not be able to conceive as some cruel joke because of all the years I spent trying so hard not to get pregnant.

After talking things over some more, we decided that we weren't going to try and prevent a pregnancy anymore. I guess this means we are trying to get pregnant, but not agressively. I still wonder if I'll lay awake in bed at night terrified of the consequences of this choice.

And then I think, "Wow! A baby!"

A little bit of knowledge from a home pregnancy test gave me a lot more insight into what I was really feeling. The future is still uncertain, but at least I'm not the one keeping this one aspect from moving forward anymore.

Who knows what will happen next, or how I'll feel tomorrow? I will just try to think of it as an adventure - advice given to me by a really smart friend. Adventures are not nearly as worrisome.

Whirring and buzzing

Today was an eventful day, in my head.

My goal for the day was to complete, at least in rough form, my presentation for an upcoming conference. I am happy to say that I accomplished this goal. I can now start practicing the talk and tweaking the slides accordingly. I have never given a conference talk before, let alone a quick 15 minute talk (although I've done 45 minute talks for weekly seminars, lab meetings and job interviews). How do you get your point across in 15 minutes without completely glossing over all the details? I chose to focus on my favorite findings - if time permits I may elaborate on them.

But the really big happenings of today took place primarily in my head, not in my presentation slides. You see, dear reader, there is a very small possibility that I may be pregnant. Or after three months off the pill my cycle might just be whacky like it was in the years before I went on the pill. Some basic probability and logic leads me to think that I am not pregnant - but I was shocked to find that part of me actually hopes that I am!

This feeling took me by complete suprise. I went through a rather long phase where I had decided that I didn't want to have children of my own (adoption some day, perhaps) - but then friends of mine started having children of their own, and darn them, they made it look appealing. And long before that I had enough fear put into me about getting pregnant (having 3 older cousins become teenaged moms will do that to you) that I mostly associated pregnancy with terrifying, unspeakables. The fear did not suddenly disappear upon my newly bestowed marital status either. Children are, after all, a huge responsibility. Not to mention the whole child birth/delivery ordeal. That still terrifies me.

Perhaps part of why I hope to be pregnant has to do with the weight of indecision no longer falling on my shoulders; if I'm pregnant, there's nothing to be indecisive about anymore - the baby will come, and we will make the neccessary adjustments, and do the best we can. But if I'm not pregnant, I have to play this passive-agressive game all over again. Do we actually try to get pregnant, or try to prevent it? If we try to prevent it, will we regret that decision later? If we try to have a baby now, are we ready? Wouldn't waiting a little while longer be safer? We'd be back in our home country in about two years, with paid parental leave rather than here where we'd only be partly able to cash in on that sweet motherland deal. Seems rather sub-optimal to me.

And thinking about all of the nuts and bolts, financial, emotional, immigrational and otherwise just sets my head spinning! I even wish I could take a whole year myself to be with the baby. Maybe I would change my mind before the year was through, but having that choice would be comforting. For a while I've thought that my husband would be the one to leave work for a longer period of time to take care of the baby. It makes financial sense, as my wages earn us more at this point, and if I continue with my career at this rate, I could even hope to land a faculty position after this postdoc. A whole year off could set me back. It makes me have crazy thoughts about bringing the baby to the lab with me (the room which houses my work space is crowded enough as is!) But babies sleep a lot, and I typically only require a computer and internet access to do most of my work. The only reason I wouldn't do it all from home is because I occasionally need to interact with people, and enjoy attending seminars (though I can't imagine the baby enjoying that!).

Babies, babies, babies. How did my parents do it? How are my friends making it seem so enticing?

The first post

My phd advisor told me once that we scientists should spend some quality time writing every day. That is, we should find time to practice putting our thoughts into coherent sentences beyond the fragments that come to us only in our own heads.

At the time I didn't really understand why. I usually didn't have much on my mind worth writing down. Or so I thought. In reality, I had too much on my mind that finding the clarity to pick any single thing to write down was the hurdle. So with a few sporadic attempts I mostly failed and have not written, for the sake of writing, every day.

I hope to change this, starting now.

I think things have come to a head. I wish I had one of those penseives they have in the Harry Potter universe. Then I could put my thoughts in safe place outside of my head and not worry about never finding them again.

I want to put some thoughts down here so that I can avoid the hours I spend laying awake in bed at night thinking about things. Maybe then I'll wake up when the alarm goes off, instead of an hour later.

I am in the first year of my first postdoc. At an arguably fantastic school, in a top notch lab. My advisor is well respected, and a terrific person to boot. However, this advisor (who shall be henceforth referred to as PA - postdoc advisor) is often away at meetings, or otherwise terribly busy, and I rarely even have interactions with them. I sometimes wonder if I will have made enough of an impression on PA when it comes time to ask for a reference letter.

I have been thinking about the next step in my career. I was told that hiring season for faculty posistions begins roughly in August. I don't think I'll have a strong enough application this year (as I said, I'm still in my first postdoc year) to be really competitive, though I am pretty good on paper. But the main reason I've been thinking so much about this is because my husband and I might want to have a baby. We are not actively trying just yet, and I'm not even sure if I ever want to for sure. But the thought of being 8 months pregnant and having to schedule interviews for faculty positions is enough to scare me into trying to plan for better timing if we do end up getting pregnant.

Sigh.