Changes

There are changes on the horizon for the Daybyday household.

I don't feel broken anymore. I'm functional again, but a clunkier patchwork version of my previous self. I still have my moments of heartache and incapacitating meltdown. I still desperately need a true vacation from work. But I seem to have refueled enough to keep going. Miraculously.

Perhaps I feel rejuvenated because I can see the light at the end of this postdoc tunnel. I have such conflicting feelings about my time as a postdoc. I really haven't had a bad experience or advisor. But it hasn't been all that great either, at least not in an academic sense. I've met some truly wonderful people here, and maybe I really did need this experience to help me figure out what I want to do with my career.

But I still can't shake the feeling that I am learning this lesson the hard way. The lesson being that it's okay to leave academia.

It's actually kind of liberating to sit here and realize that the decision I have agonized over for the last few years, has now been made. I don't actually have another job lined up yet, but I have applications in the pipeline for several that I am really excited about, and none of them are in academia. I always thought I'd have to decide to leave academia, and THEN figure out what I want to do. But instead, I held onto my security blanket (you know, the one that made me feel like crap, like I'm always behind, and that was no longer fulfilling me? that one), and discovered other career opportunities that really appealed to me.

First I was taken by the prospect of guiding science "from above" (government science administration). The application for that position was a little overwhelming at first. I didn't think I was anywhere near qualified. But with some help from a fantastic friend, I started digging into my CV and past experiences, and as I began to flush out the application package, I was amazed to find that I really DO have some pretty awesome skills and experience!

This had a sort of snowball effect. I started feeling much better about myself, about my career prospects, and about life in general.

I've since discovered a position in industry that seems too good to be true. In fact, it has become my top choice. I never, ever, EVER, thought I'd consider industry. And I might not have, if it hadn't been for the journey of self discovery as a result of the government science administration career application process.

I know part of it is personal, not just about my scientific interests. In all honesty, I've had a pretty good run. Academia has been good to me (you know, aside from the not feeling good enough part). I've been fortunate enough to pursue my own interests. But that just doesn't cut it for me anymore.

My bottom line has changed. Wee One has some new medical issues (heartbreaking stuff that I don't want to get into in this post, but she still seems happy, so I take comfort in that), but even with just what she has been through already, I need my work to be more meaningful in order to justify time away from her.

This company that's got me all twitterpated seems to really make a difference. And I know the difference that Wee One's medications have made for her. Although I might not get to directly help Wee One with my work, the idea that I could still be helping someone else's child (we're all someone's child) is incredibly appealing.

However, the company is located even farther away from my family and friends back home. And when we found out the news about Wee One's newest medical issue, it was so hard not having them around for support. There is another company doing somewhat similar work, located very close to hometown. And it's an option I've been seriously considering.

But husband and I are both drawn to far away city as well. We like the idea of not having to deal with winter for a few years (or more, if we decided to stay there). And there is a great children's hospital there. It just seems so wonderful - if it weren't so far away.

But I think that's where we are headed. And I'm more excited than I am sad. That's a good sign, I think.

I've been in touch with some people at the company there, and things are progressing nicely. It makes me a little antsy about still being here in postdocville. It feels a little like finishing grad school did. I want to get this done already. But there isn't the stress of a defense, nor the satisfaction of that shiny new title.

It's hard to keep forging ahead on a project that is beginning to feel like a dead end, when I see so much excitement on the horizon. Sometimes change is good.