I scared.

I've been home, and on bedrest, since being discharged from the hospital after our little pre-term labour scare last week. So far I've been tired enough to sleep away most hours and avoid going stir crazy - plus Mr. Daybyday has things set up pretty well for my convenience (laptop, food, kitties, etc, all within easy reach, so there are very few trips away from bed needed).

But yesterday when we had our most recent appointment with the perinatalogist, we were given some exciting, but also scary news. On Tuesday of next week they will test for the wee one's lung maturity (by doing an amniocentesis), and if we get the go ahead from that, they will induce me either on Thursday (valentines day) or Friday.

HOLY CRAP

I'll only be 35 weeks.

I'm also scared because one of the reasons they are pushing to do this so soon is that during our stay in the hospital and our daily sonograms to monitor my elevated amniotic fluid levels (which they think caused the pre-term labor scare in the first place), they discovered that the wee one has what appears to be an enlarged esophagus. Poor little thing! They think that perhaps she (yes, we finally caved in and found out the sex!) has some reflux, or a constriction somewhere along her esophagus and isn't able to process the fluid like normal, possibly resulting in the buildup of excess fluid in my uterus - and with no way to do anything about that, the doctors are worried that my body might go into pre-term labour again, so they'd rather it be a more controlled situation, and at least happen at the proper facility where we planned to deliver and they have the appropriate NICU level to handle our case.

Of course I cannot wait to finally meet my wee one (I'm thinking of changing her nick name to wiggle-worm, as she's become notorirous to the hospital staff and sonographers for being so active!), but at the same time I'm so scared for all that she's likely to have to face in such a short amount of time.

I'm scared of the amniocentesis - not because it's a big needle - well maybe a little... But I'm scared that it might trigger labor, and that her lungs might not be ready. But I'm also scared of going into labor at home, over an hour away from where we're supposed to deliver.

Oh yeah, and I'm scared of delivering.

I had resigned myself to thinking we'd have to go the c-section route - but since they're planning to deliver so early, the wee one's head is still smaller than full term, so they would rather try for a regular delivery and avoid a c-section if possible. I took prenatal classes and paid attention - but still never really thought I'd go through the whole delivery thing... So now I'm frantically trying to prepare myself (how does one even do that?!)

I had a bit of a breakdown this morning - I just felt so overwhelmed - so much of this is beyond my control, and I just want my baby to be safe. And it hurts like hell and scares me so much that there is so little I can do to keep her safe... But maybe this is just normal parental fear/instincts kicking in?

Well in any case, wish us luck that her lungs will be mature (hopefully the steroid injections to speed up lung maturity last week will have done the trick!), and that we'll have an uncomplicated delivery. And hopefully my next post will be a very happy one filled with pictures to coo over!