In a funk
I've been in a pretty big funk lately. To pay the utmost respect to Dr. Isis in the form of flattery by way of imitation, please see the figure below depicting my recent state of mind:
I've been pretty worn down (a full nights sleep is still elusive, so I'm sure that is a major contributing factor), unmotivated (pretty science aside, I'm just not that into my current project), and uninspired (this is probably the most worrisome of all my feelings).
To maintain a career in academia, I'm pretty sure you have to maintain your inspiration and passion for research. Mines been wavering. I think it is a combination of frustration with my current project, and a lack of sufficient overlap between the science that excites ME and the science that excites my advisor.
But at least I can gleam some hope from this - maybe I can still fan the flames (cause I KNOW there are still embers and hot coals in my passion for science) if I get into a different state of mind, or find some way to rise above my advisor's luke warm reaction to my project ideas.
Still, it frustrates me to no end that I'm so easily influenced by advisor's lack of enthusiasm (he's been very supportive, he just gets more excited by things I'm not as terribly interested in - if only I'd realized this before joining the lab).
I'm also almost completely consumed by anxiety and worry over Wee One and her upcoming surgeries. With all the medical issues my poor little Wee One has, I have an even harder time imagining myself spending MORE time away from her as I pursue an academic career. I find myself thinking "What will happen if she's in the hospital for weeks on end? Will my employers be understanding of all the time off I will require? Will they hold it against me? Will I constantly feel like I'm falling behind in work, or not spending enough time with Wee One?"
I really do not feel ready to take on a faculty position. And yet, I can't fathom uprooting our family for a second postdoc (the thought of trying to find a whole new team of doctors and specialists - we're up to about 15 of them now! - is enough to bring me to tears). When we leave this postdoc, I REALLY want it to be something more long term. For all our sakes. Oh, and preferably close to somewhere with fantastic pediatric doctors.
Sigh.
It'd also be nice to be closer to friends and family once again. I get their support through email and occasional phone calls - but having them around in person would probably make a big difference. We've made some friends here in postdoc city, but like most academics, they are transient (except the profs who are more long term), and some have already moved on to other institutions.
There's just too damn much for me to juggle, and I'm getting tired of feeling sorry for myself. I want to snap out of this funk - but I really don't know how.
It's gotten so bad that sometimes when Wee One smiles and laughs, my smile and laughter in return ends in tears.
Figure 2. A face that should only bring a mama to happy tears.
But my worry and anxiety about Wee One's health brings this mama to tears... a lot.
5 comments:
I too am influenced way too much by advisor's apparent lack of enthusiasm for my projects, although I have to remind myself that a lot of it is due to sheer lack of time on their part. I try to not worry too much about it, but it is easier said than done.
Also, more hugs to you and the Wee One!
Oh, she's just so beautiful!
I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Academics is a hard grind, esp. in the US with your not-so-great family leave policies. I can very much see how you must be torn.
I can only say that yeah, the lack of sleep is probably making you feel more bleak than you might otherwise. I hope you can get some rest.
Oh daybyday, I hate to hear that you are in a funk. Yes, some of it is probably sleep-deprivation, and that will eventually debate. And Wee One will get more independent as she gets older. So things will get easier in time.
But don't beat yourself up if you decide that academic science isn't the right road for you and your family. There are lots of meaningful science jobs out there that aren't as ridiculously demanding as academia. And if you do decide to go toward professordom, you do have a cheering section and support network on the internet. We'll help as much as we possibly can.
I have good days and bad days. And then good days and bad days. When I wrote this post, it was not a good day. Today, after an entire weekend to cuddle with the Wee One and Mr. Daybyday, I'm having a much better day.
sciencegirl:
I'm always happy to deliver more hugs to Wee One! :)
Advisor is in high demand and really doesn't have much time to devote to boosting my ego. This is a good thing to remind myself of. I will say, for someone as high profile as he is, he is incredibly supportive, despite the lack of time. I'm just too sensitive when I'm not having one of the good days.
mimi:
I do love hearing that others find her to be as amazing and adorable as I do :)
I've been pretty lucky so far - my fellowship comes from our (not the US') country's big government science granting agency - so I had a pretty decent mat leave - 4 months full pay (with the option of additional time, but unpaid). And advisor has been very supportive of all the time I've been physically away from campus. But not all places/people are so accommodating... Oh, and I did get some very enjoyable rest this weekend :) It was fabulous!
Sciencewoman:
Thank-you for the pep-rally :)
I've gone back and forth so many times about whether or not I want to pursue a career in academia (namely a T-T professor gig). I think if I could let go of the feeling that being a T-T professor is the pinacle of academic success, then I'd be able to more seriously consider an alternative career. We're just groomed to see most other science jobs as "second prize."
Or maybe it's just that the perfect "alternative" science careers aren't as well known and established as the professor route, so I haven't found one that I would feel wasn't a step down?
Daybyday, first, excellent reference to Dr. Isis's superior blogging style.
Second, it is really hard to be passionate about anything when you are just plum worn out. My healthy kids wear me out sometimes and I can't imagine trying to balance a postdoc and the needs of a sick child. I give you major kudos for holding it together, sister.
I certainly don't know your personal situation, but is it possible that some of what you're feeling is confounded by being exhausted? Personally, I find that I can be a little irrational when I am tired and worn down. Is it possible to get away for a day or two and catch up on your alone time?
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