Getting over things

First off, thank you all for the birthday wishes! A friend of mine from grad school came to visit last weekend and brought some very delicious ice cream for me. She also instructed me NOT to share it with my lab. Who am I to disobey such an order? I gladly shared with her and then finished off the container myself the next day.

Wee One is doing incredibly well after this most recent surgery. I can hardly believe the difference it has made for her already! Now that she isn't struggling to breathe she is actually able to finish a bottle without exhausting herself! This means she's eating MORE than ever before - and that is fantastic news because we've always struggled getting her to eat enough and gain weight. Now she's eating closer to the maximum recommended for someone her size and age! Hurrah!!!

And her social development is just blossoming right now! I think not having to work so hard to breathe is just making everything else easier because she's got so much more energy to devote to other things now :)

It's just amazing, and fantastic, and I love her to pieces.

Work is going much better now - I'm still really hoping to get this manuscript done by the end of November (that's my InAdWriMo goal over on the right panel).

A little while ago (maybe it was last weekend?) I tried pumping again - someone had told me about hormones you can take to stimulate relactation, and with Wee One now feeding so well, I thought maybe, just maybe, I could start nursing her again, if I could start lactating again. Well the Wee One has completely forgotten what nipples are for and just sort of looked at me like "What ARE you doing? Are you trying to smother me???" And Mr. Daybyday just sort of raised his eyebrows when I dug out the manual breast pump and told him my plans. Pretty much all I got out of it was sore nipples.

However, I think it helped me become a little more okay with not being able to nurse Wee One. She's doing so great now that nursing would be more about me than her. And I've got enough other things to worry about that nursing, although it would have been nice, isn't such a big deal now as it was before.

And that's a good thing.

When I'm a PI

When I become a PI I will make sure that if we have cake and ice cream in lab meeting to celebrate anyone's birthday in the lab, then we will have cake and ice cream for everyone's birthday.

For the second year in a row, I've felt like a second rate lab member, ice cream and cake-less.

It's not about the birthday, or the cake and ice cream.

It's about being made to feel like an important part of the group. Worthy of being celebrated.

Some relief

Wee One is now out of surgery - both procedures went well! Hurrah!

Now we wait and see how she does recovering, and hopefully we'll get to take her home before the end of the weekend.

Thanks for all the well wishes!

Counting down

Okay i have two countdowns.

First, less than 24 hours until Wee One goes for surgery.

I'm coping, but obviously still worried. Please keep her in your thoughts over the next few days! I hope she'll be home and recovering by the end of the weekend.

Next, I've decided to join Brazen Hussy and participate in InaDWriMo 2008.

My goal is to have a rough draft of a manuscript for my current project by the end of November.

I really need to get this done so that I can feel like I was more than just re-productive in 2008!

And now, back to counting down the hours...

Figure 1. Quite possibly the strongest little Wee One around. I just wish we didn't ask her to demonstrate her fortitude so often.

In a funk

I've been in a pretty big funk lately. To pay the utmost respect to Dr. Isis in the form of flattery by way of imitation, please see the figure below depicting my recent state of mind:


Figure 1. How I've been feeling lately. Including the excess hair. Not nearly as hot as Dr. Isis.

I've been pretty worn down (a full nights sleep is still elusive, so I'm sure that is a major contributing factor), unmotivated (pretty science aside, I'm just not that into my current project), and uninspired (this is probably the most worrisome of all my feelings).

To maintain a career in academia, I'm pretty sure you have to maintain your inspiration and passion for research. Mines been wavering. I think it is a combination of frustration with my current project, and a lack of sufficient overlap between the science that excites ME and the science that excites my advisor.

But at least I can gleam some hope from this - maybe I can still fan the flames (cause I KNOW there are still embers and hot coals in my passion for science) if I get into a different state of mind, or find some way to rise above my advisor's luke warm reaction to my project ideas.

Still, it frustrates me to no end that I'm so easily influenced by advisor's lack of enthusiasm (he's been very supportive, he just gets more excited by things I'm not as terribly interested in - if only I'd realized this before joining the lab).

I'm also almost completely consumed by anxiety and worry over Wee One and her upcoming surgeries. With all the medical issues my poor little Wee One has, I have an even harder time imagining myself spending MORE time away from her as I pursue an academic career. I find myself thinking "What will happen if she's in the hospital for weeks on end? Will my employers be understanding of all the time off I will require? Will they hold it against me? Will I constantly feel like I'm falling behind in work, or not spending enough time with Wee One?"

I really do not feel ready to take on a faculty position. And yet, I can't fathom uprooting our family for a second postdoc (the thought of trying to find a whole new team of doctors and specialists - we're up to about 15 of them now! - is enough to bring me to tears). When we leave this postdoc, I REALLY want it to be something more long term. For all our sakes. Oh, and preferably close to somewhere with fantastic pediatric doctors.

Sigh.

It'd also be nice to be closer to friends and family once again. I get their support through email and occasional phone calls - but having them around in person would probably make a big difference. We've made some friends here in postdoc city, but like most academics, they are transient (except the profs who are more long term), and some have already moved on to other institutions.

There's just too damn much for me to juggle, and I'm getting tired of feeling sorry for myself. I want to snap out of this funk - but I really don't know how.

It's gotten so bad that sometimes when Wee One smiles and laughs, my smile and laughter in return ends in tears.

Figure 2. A face that should only bring a mama to happy tears.

But my worry and anxiety about Wee One's health brings this mama to tears... a lot.

I like it when science is pretty....

I FINALLY figured out how to get R to produce this plot. It took me way too long, but it is oh-so-satisfying to finally have it figured out.




Ahhh.... pretty.

(and significant too! look at those p-values!!)

A reminder

I used to feel like a big fish in a small pond. And I have a bad habit of downplaying my achievements because I felt that I was in a small pond (even though some of my academic achievements would have been big in a big pond too!)

Well now I'm in a pretty big pond. And I don't have the same relationship with my current advisor as I did with my PhD advisor. I feel like a pretty small fish most days - especially compared to some of the whoppers that have come out of this place.

So I decided to do something about it.

As a gift upon graduation, my PhD advisor gave me a book written by a scientist whose lab I considered joining for a postdoc. I was touched that he recognized how interested I was in this other area of research, despite the fact that it wasn't something he himself was terribly excited about. But what was more meaningful were the words he wrote at the top corner of the first page:

To Daybyday from Advisor

- my best student
- all my love and best wishes

So now I have that book sitting on the shelf right above my monitor at work - as a reminder that no matter what size pond I'm currently in, I can still feel like a big fish.