When things turn out better than anticipated

I'm sitting in a rather cozy waiting room (all on my own, not in the main waiting room) for what I was expecting to be a very unpleasant prenatal appointment.

You see, on Monday I went in for a regular prenatal appointment that included a glucose test (to test for gestational diabetes). An hour before the appointment I had to down this really sickly sweet drink and then have my finger pricked to measure my blood sugar once I arrived. And unfortunately my blood sugar level was right on the border of their cut-off values, which meant I'd have to come back (today) and do a 3 hour glucose tolerance test. What that would entail is fasting from midnight the night before, and arriving here just before 8am to have 4 blood draws (first one upon arrival, then I drink the yucky drink, then 3 more blood draws on the hour for 3 hours).

Oh the joy.

Did I mention that you're supposed to drink the glucose drink within 5 minutes? And it's a pretty big amount of liquid, especially considering the cramped quarters of my tummy these days. For the 1 hour test I nearly threw up trying to get it all down in time. I chose a non-carbonated flavor because I thought it would help.

It didn't.

Also, I have pretty extreme anxiety about needles. And for the 3 hour glucose tolerance test they have to do the needle rather than the finger prick. Sometimes I have to lay down for up to 15 minutes after a needle because when I try to sit up or walk I start to pass out. I hate that needles have that effect on me.

So I was VERY upset when I found out that I'd have to go through all of this - and that I'd have to stay here in between each needle.

Last night I just tried my hardest not to think about what would be happening this morning, to keep the anxiety at bay. I think it may have worked!

So far this really hasn't been all that bad. Needles still aren't any fun, but Mr.Daybyday and the nurse have been exceptionally supportive, and that helps a lot. I have had 3 needles so far today (just waiting on the last one now - and then I can finally EAT!!) and I didn't even need to stay laying down after any of them so far! GO ME! I was so worried about passing out and how that might affect the baby.

Oh, and I chose the carbonated lemon-lime flavor drink today, and it was MUCH more palatable - sort of tasted like sprite that had started to lose its fizz. I had no problem finishing it in under 5 minutes, and only felt very full, rather than sick afterwards.

So now I'm sitting in a great big recliner in this comfy little waiting room (I think they must have this just for those poor few who have to do the 3 hour test), with my laptop. There is no open wireless connection for me to tap into so I've been working offline, and have finished just about everything I can do for work without any internet connection. Luckily I have Season 2 of Meerkat Manor on here so I've got plenty to keep me occupied.

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Update: Now that I am home and have internet again, I just thought I'd let you all know that the fourth needle was also not faint-inducing! I wish I could have this nurse do my needles every time I had to have them! She was so great, and fast, and totally comforting! By the last needle, I was even smiling and making jokes with her!

I can't believe how much better this experience was than what I was expecting.

I wish I could say that more often!

Big strong wings

I wish I could capture all the memories/conversation from my most recent appointment with the psychologist so that I never forget them - it was a really great session!

We chatted briefly about how things are going with the pregnancy, and then moved on to discussing career issues. I told her that I had just received another email personally inviting me to apply for a tenure track faculty position at a university (that makes two separate schools inviting me to apply for faculty positions within the last month). This time the offer was more appealing, but again, because of the timing, my heart isn't really in it - both universities are looking for people to start before the fall of 2008. I hadn't really anticipated applying for jobs until AFTER that time. And I still find it crazy that I'm being contacted directly and invited to apply - where are these places hearing about me? I still feel like a small fish. I still feel that I'm not ready to think about running my own lab.

Then the psychologist said she views me as this beautiful, strong bird perched at the edge of her nest. Big strong wings, parental units (biological, and academic) waiting for me to finally take flight, and strangers from other trees inviting me to fly over and build my own nest in their tree. But there I am, still perched at the edge of my nest, afraid to jump.

I think her analogy is quite fitting - and I often find myself thinking "having big strong wings doesn't mean I know how to use them. It doesn't mean I still won't tumble and fall flat on my face." But I guess others have seen enough to think that I've already demonstrated that I can fly, it's just that for some reason, I don't see all that practice as being valid.

But what's the use in having big strong wings if you never try to use them? Maybe putting together a faculty application package will help me see what the others seem to see in me.

Stability

Well it's been a whirlwind of appointments all relating to the wee one. We had a regular prenatal appointment first, and when I took my jacket off to hop on the scale, the midwife said "Well you're just all baby, aren't you!" My tummy certainly is! Everything at that appointment went fine, and I am measuring right on track for how far along I am in the pregnancy (which for someone of my small size, that means my belly is getting HUGE, relatively speaking).

Next we met with the pediatric neurosurgeon who would be handling our case, and helping to decide what type of treatment the wee one would need. He was very optimistic, and had an overall very cheerful disposition! What a breath of fresh air from all the sombre faces we tend to get at appointments. He indicated that it may even be possible that the wee one might not need any treatment (ie. no shunt or surgery) - but we'll have to wait and see how the hydrocephalus progresses. That was exciting to hear, and we left feeling pretty hopeful.

And finally we had another level 2 ultrasound and consultation with the perinatologist. Unlike the last time, we weren't really all that anxious about this appointment - I don't know if it's because we were just hopeful, or just coping better now. In any case, we were very much looking forward to seeing the wee one again on the ultrasound screen, and just a little bit anxious to see how the ventricles were measuring.

Mr. Daybyday stated it well when he said "Either things have cleared up, stayed roughly the same, or progressed more. In any case, we keep going, and keep getting things ready for the wee one's arrival."

The ventricles had enlarged slightly, but so had the overall head size, so the ratio of ventricle width to hemisphere width had stayed pretty much exactly the same as the last time! The perinatolgist said "This is what we like to see!" So it seems that things are stabilizing, rather than progressing to a more severe form of hydrocephalus. He said that when they first observe enlarged ventricles they never know at what point in time they are catching it - at the beginning of enlargement, in the middle, or at the end when they reach a plateau. So we are hopeful that the wee one's ventricles are at the plateau stage.

Of course we go back in four weeks for another ultrasound, but we're pretty happy right now :)

And the wee one was squirming around during the ultrasound, so I again got to see exactly what wee one was doing when I felt all those movements inside my belly!

It would have been nice if the hydrocephalus had cleared up completely, but having stability is a pretty great result too.

Thanks to all of you who have been sending us positive thoughts and kind words!

And finally, I will leave you with a picture from the most recent ultrasound - the sonographer was able to get a partial face image (the wee one was being difficult and not letting her get a full face image). It looks to me like the wee one is smiling!

Tuning out my mom

I love my mom, I really do. I think she's a wonderful person, and I have so much love and respect for her.

But sometimes I have to tune out some of the things she says to me - even though I know that her heart is in the right place.

She means well, but it can sometimes come off as though she is talking down to me, about a lesson I have yet to learn, or a lifestyle change I have yet to make. It ends up making my mind spin for hours, days, even weeks sometimes after the conversation has ended.

Last night I was talking to her on the phone and some family friends became the topic of discussion. I mused about how this couple, the same age as myself, but with two little ones aged 2 and less than 1, seemed so mobile and willing to travel often to visit folks, despite the van load they have to bring along with them wherever they go. I figured, and have been told, that when you have little ones people generally go out of their way to visit you, rather than the other way around. But this couple, don't seem to mind the chaos and fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants schedule that traveling with little ones entails (as amply demonstrated by their stay with Mr. Daybyday and I back in the summer).

My mom said that it was because this couple was very adaptable. But instead of reassuring me that I too would become adaptable, I felt more like she was telling me that I was in for a big shock once my wee one arrives. I tried pleading my case, that this couple had a higher tolerance for chaos before they had children (I've known them a long time), and that I am sure I would become more comfortable with the disorder myself when the time comes, but that this couple still had personality traits beyond mine, and so I would probably never be quite as "adaptable" as they are. But my mom just sort of laughed that off and I started to tune her out. We agreed that I am too worried about being in control of things (well, more like she said that and I responded with "mm hmm" and then tried to change the topic).

I know she is probably right. But I also know that I function better when things are more orderly than disorderly. For instance, I enjoy my time at home more when the house is relatively tidy (I'm not energetic enough to keep it actually "clean" most of the time) - I try to keep my piles of crap some what neat-looking, and prevent the carpet from accumulating so much cat hair that I can no longer find the cats. Spotless wouldn't bother me, but I would rather spend the time doing other things.

The friends I was talking about earlier do not live in filth either, but they have (what is to me) considerably more disorder. They probably know what pile or unmarked box has the item they are searching for, but for me, that would end up stressing me out until I finally would break down and organize/label the damned box.

I was feeling pretty dark about this whole thing after the conversation with my mom - almost resentful towards the appreciation my mom seemed to have for the "adaptability" of this other couple - but I feel much better now that I've written about it and gotten it out of my head.

I'm sure things will change once the wee one comes. Even before I knew about the wee one I sort of felt that I should learn how to give up control of some things. But how the heck does one go about doing that? Telling me to "just do it" only results in a "does not compute" error.

Feeling peppy(er)

I still have moments that are pretty dark, but overall (and the majority of the time) I am feeling happier.

I've been in touch with several specialists (including one of the nation's pioneers in fetal hydrocephalus treatment - thanks again Katie for the supberb networking!), so at least now I sort of feel like I've exhausted all my resources. I've done just about everything I can think of, within my control, at this point in time to educate myself and Mr. Daybyday on what we can do to best help this wee one along. And instead of feeling terribly frustrated that there isn't really much left that I can actually do right now, I feel more calm, and like I have a game plan (even though I know the plan can change depending on how things progress).

So now I can get back to focusing on all the wonderful things about pregnancy, and coo over all the ultrasound pictures I have of wee one (like this other picture, below). Oh, and start getting back into work mode again.



Speaking of which, I really should jump onto some of the new ideas I have for my current research project while this burst of motivation is still upon me!

and now we march

Yesterday's visit with the specialist confirmed the suspected diagnosis: the wee one has hydrocephalus.

Because of all the reading and preparation I had done before this appointment I already knew quite a bit about this condition. But we were still hopeful that maybe somehow the initial sonogram was incorrect. This was not the case, as the hour long level 2 ultrasound confirmed the previous finding.

I was really strong, and did not break down until the very end of the consultation with the perinatologist. At that point, he said to me "It's alright to feel upset. It IS scary, and when parents don't seem upset I usually have to explain things over again because it means that they didn't understand." He also told us that we'd probably feel a lot better once we meet and talk with the pediatric neurosurgeon who would be handling our case once the baby is born, since the surgeon is the person who maintains contact with the families and does all the follow up, even years after. He told us that this particular surgeon has patients with hydrocephalus who are now well into their teens and beyond, so he'll be able to give us a better picture of what to expect down the road. That was comforting news. But we won't be meeting him until next month when we have our next appointment with the specialists to have another ultrasound and monitor the baby's development.

Until then we are grateful that the most recent ultrasound showed no other indications of anything else out of the ordinary - specifically, they looked for other indications that the wee one might have trisomy 13 or 18 (which he said are generally "incompatible with life"). The doctor warned us that things might arise later in development, but at least for now, the rest of the baby looks wonderful. To me, the baby looked perfect.


So now we just do all we can to help the wee one grow big and strong, and give it every chance we can. And try not to have too many break downs while we "wait and see."

Impatience, and messages from the universe

I knew that today would be difficult. Waiting for this specialist appointment tomorrow... I'm going a little stir crazy here at work. I want to get out of here, in the hopes that somehow going home will make tomorrow come sooner.

I did pretty good last night keeping myself content and busy while Mr. Daybyday was away for a few hours. I baked some cookies for a holiday exchange (a yearly tradition between myself and a few friends back home). I decided to try a new recipe ("Orange zingers", with chocolate chips), so I wanted to bake some well ahead of time to see if I liked the recipe. And I do! They are quite yummy (if you are a fan of the orange/chocolate flavor combination, which I am) - so I will be making a few dozen more before the holidays for the annual cookie exchange.

While baking, I was listening to my latest favorite pandora.com radio station (based on a mix of music from the Cranberries, Fall out boy, Nelly Furtado, Shakira, and The Killers), and dancing around with the belly. We had lots of fun. The kitties were quite interested in all the commotion as well - so every now and then I picked them up to dance too. They didn't have as much fun with that.

I enjoy dancing "with" the wee one. It takes my mind off all the scary/sad thoughts, and I just get to enjoy the moment. Maybe that's why I'd rather be home right now instead of sitting here at my desk. But I can't just dance for hours and hours - my back/hips start getting angry if I do.

So I try my best to be patient. And work.

....

And for something mostly unrelated - yesterday something made me google "messages from the universe" and I stumbled upon a really neat email service from www.tut.com that will email you uplifting messages from the universe each weekday!

Now I'm not what you'd call a "religious type" - but I do have a spiritual side, and there are many aspects of spirituality or the super natural that I can have an appreciation for. The reason why I'm even bothering to mention any of this is because of the first "Message from the Universe" email I received today:

Did you know that whenever you whisper, "I'm sorry..." to someone quietly
in your mind, [Day by day], someone over here sheds a tear and
healing begins?

Did you know that whenever you whisper, "Can I help you..." to someone
quietly in your mind, someone over here sheds a tear and an army of angels
are sent?

And, did you know that whenever you whisper, "I love you..." to someone quietly
in your mind, someone over here sheds a tear, healing begins, an army of
angels are sent, and 10,000 bells are rung?

Actually, you even have your own marching band that follows you
everywhere....

I love you,
The Universe

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! �
� www.tut.com �

Hey, I like bells, [Day by day]....

Well, heck, thinking of having my own marching band following me around DID cheer me up - scientific mind be damned. Wee one and I shall go a marching!

Getting better

Well, I've been feeling a lot better lately. The emotions, however, are still very close to the surface. My parents called me this morning just to see how I was doing and to send me their love. It was very sweet, but I got a little choked up by the end of the call, even though I was saying "I'm doing much better."

And I have been feeling a lot better. I sort of came to the realization that no matter what, at the end of this pregnancy, I will have a baby. I don't know how long I will have the baby for, or how the baby will be, but I've seen the wee one on the ultrasound, and he/she is definitely a baby now.

I think I was mixing the fear of the unknown with the fear I had earlier in the pregnancy (I think most women worry, at least a little bit, about miscarriage early on).

So although I worry for the health of the wee one, for now I just try to concentrate my efforts on giving them the most enjoyable inutero experience that I can, and to enjoy this special time I have with him/her myself.

All that being said, I still know that as our appointment with the high risk pregnancy specialist approaches, so too will my anxiety return. Our appointment is on Thursday, so I imagine Wednesday night will be difficult.

But I'll still keep trying to focus on the positive - like enjoying the feeling of the wee one moving about inside my belly as we settle in for the night. I don't mind being kept awake like that - I just think of it as more quality time together :)

New mantra

"Everything will be fine."

The more I hear people tell me this, and the more I repeat it to myself, the more comfort I feel, even if I know that nobody can possibly know for sure.

On Tuesday morning, Mr. Daybyday and I went for a typical second trimester ultrasound. Unfortunately, the measurements made by the sonographer were not completely what expectant parents hope for. The ventricles in our baby's brain appear enlarged. I was shocked and devastated. The doctor who came to talk to us after the ultrasound told us that at this point they really have no idea what it means. Everything else looked great, and they've had another case where things cleared up on their own as the pregnancy progressed.

I know that anything affecting the brain is worrisome - and also terribly hard to predict the outcome. There is just so much that we don't know. I also know that no matter what, I would never consider terminating this pregnancy. I have no religious convictions about that sort of thing, I'm just completely and totally attached to this baby - I would do anything to keep it safe.

And so, we are being sent to specialists to monitor and give us more information on our situation. The specialists are about an hour and a half away from where we live.

It's so scary. And even when I'm having a good moment, the emotions are still right there just below the surface, and come pouring out at the slightest provocation. So I just try not to be alone, and to keep repeating "Everything will be fine."

I look at the pictures we have from the ultrasound, and they make me happier. The baby looks great! And continues to be active, and increasingly more active.

Part of me wishes I could keep the baby inside me forever, to protect it and keep it safe. And yet, I'm still so anxious to meet him/her and to hold them in my arms and kiss the top of their head.

I had been putting off blogging because I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about this, or if I wanted to post about this at all. But sometimes keeping things in makes them harder to deal with.

So for now, I'm just trying to enjoy the moment - I choose to be optimistic, and will try my best to continue living my life as I normally would. I continue to struggle with banishing my worries - but that's where the mantra comes in handy. Also I have to stop researching things on the internet because it just scares me more.

Everything will be fine.

Weekend haze

I've been pretty productive this week in the lab (hence the lack of posts for the last few days). That's exciting!

I'm still amazed that the whole professor career deal is looking appealing again. Will I ever make up my mind?

One evening this week I was so tired after dinner that I went to take a nap (haven't needed a nap in quite a while) - I think staying up until midnight, and getting less than 8 hours of sleep was catching up with me - especially since it takes me a while to get comfortable at night and fall asleep... Anyway, I "napped" from 6:30pm until 11pm. Then I watched a show with Mr. Daybyday, and then went to "sleep" for the night.

I felt pretty great the rest of the week, so I guess I just needed to catch up on sleep.

Another evening we went to find Mr. Daybyday a nice business casual outfit (we found several) for an upcoming meeting he had (he's trying to help fundraise for a really great organization he's involved with, and they were going to be meeting with a potential business sponsor). Anyway, he's got lots of casual clothes, and several dressier outfits, but nothing really business casual. So we hit the stores (well, just one store actually), and within an hour (including trying everything on) we were home, and he was set for his meeting.

Why does this NEVER happen when I go shopping for me??? I know that men's fashion is not as "liberated" as women's, so part of the efficiency is just due to less selection - but damn! It makes me envious. I've always enjoyed shopping for men's suits. I like finding nice shirts and ties that go well together, and it's just an overall pleasing experience. Why does women's fashion have to be so darned difficult? Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate having lots of selection to choose from - even being able to dress "manly" (there is much more taboo against a man dressing "womanly" for some reason) - but sometimes the selection either overwhelms me, and I don't know where to start, or most items look ridiculous on me, and I end up leaving the stores empty handed, and defeated.

Well anyway, I still enjoy shopping - but it's developed into a love-hate relationship over the years.

And now I'm sitting in my PJs in the living room with the laptop wondering how best to spend this overcast and drizzly Saturday morning. I think I'll make brownies.

Advisor makes good

So yesterday I was ready to post about how annoying and frustrating my postdoc advisor's habit of scheduling vague meeting times with me has gotten to be. But today a meeting actually happened! Hurrah!

And it was productive and motivating! I have specific short term goals now (and the longer term goals for these new projects is becoming less blurry). AND I even produced two nifty figures from analysis I did after the meeting! I'm sure I'll be producing several more based upon what we talked about today - and I just have to say that I love feeling like I actually DID something. I made discoveries!

A friend of mine, whose wife is an ER nurse, sends her off to her shift by saying "Save some lives honey!"

I like when Mr. Daybyday can say "Make some discoveries today honey!"

And since the picture of my little degu friend seemed to be such a hit in the last post, here is another one - this time she was asking if it was time for play or treats - note the head cocked to the side slightly for extra cuteness.

Weekend Update

Sorry, couldn't come up with a more creative title, and I just wanted to make sure I kept my weekday blogging promise...

First off, I feel like I'm getting huger by the day - and especially over this past weekend (huger looks ridiculous when it's written, just as I fear my belly will look ridiculous by the time this pregnancy is full term).

Also, the wee human inside is VERY active now. I'm pretty sure Mr. Daybyday could feel the kicks now if only wee one would be active on command. But I guess I'll just have to enjoy the entertainment by myself for a while longer. Today while at work there were a couple of kicks that were especially strong that they made me giggle out loud (they were also consecutive).

Anyway, so back to this weekend... I pretty much spent the entire weekend (aside from eating and watching movies with Mr. Daybyday) rearranging and reorganizing our stuff. Namely sorting through and cleaning out a big closet so that we could finish the migration from what used to be our small bedroom (which will be the wee one's room) into the larger master bedroom (which used to be just our big office and room of junk/storage). Maybe once the rooms are finished I'll be brave enough to post some before and after pictures (I'm quite proud of the big closet - it was a disaster before - I blame Mr. Daybyday).

Anyway, all that shuffling around of stuff made me feel like a degu (because I've had pet degus before) - just shifting around wood chips and toys in a cage until they were just so. Goodness how my little degu must have gone crazy every time I cleaned her cage and disturbed her order!

Someday I should post about my degu - she was so amazing, and I miss her. She had such personality.

Here is a picture of her, in her sand bath bowl.



I was also going to talk about how my postdoc advisor always sets up tentative meeting times with me, and then never actually has time to meet with me. But I'd rather leave this post on a more pleasant note (like the cuteness of my dear little degu friend) - so the advisor rant will wait for another day.

Pendulum swing and balance

It's so odd. Suddenly I can get deeply motivated by science again - and not just half-heartedly. For a while there I felt a loss in fulfillment and meaning from my research. The only motivation to get it done was that it was my job. I wasn't even sure if I wanted it to be my passion again.

I'm very relieved to have the pendulum swing back in this more satisfying direction - but I'm also wondering why the heck it keeps going back and forth. Does this happen to all scientists (but maybe to a lesser degree)?

What is additionally strange (but I'm not complaining) is my shift in work/life balance attitude. Where I previously envied my friend who could take a year off for maternity leave, and then return to work without missing a beat (she's an ER nurse) - now I'm pretty sure that I would miss doing my research, and that I'd want to get back sooner (much sooner) than a year. In fact, I could even see myself enjoying my work enough to pull those strange hours that I used to think were crazy (like working again at night once the kids are in bed) - as long as I had quality time with the hubby and family too. I used to think that type of lifestyle was unbalanced. Now it seems pretty nice - but only with the major caveat that I really loved what I was doing.

Those who've left us

I had a dream last night - I have been having more bizarre dreams since becoming pregnant.

In this dream, however, my maternal grandparents were the main characters (along with myself). The strange thing about this particular cast is that in real life my grandfather passed away just over 2 years ago. But in my dream, it was as if the memory of his death was completely erased from my brain - there he was, just as I remember him, and there was nothing strange about it. The dream was quite long (with several scenes and plot developments), and at no time did my mind say "Hey, wait a second, Grandpa passed away - so you better make the most of your time with him here in this dream!" (normally I have that dialog when I dream about people or pets who've passed away, and I begin to have some lucidity as I awaken). And then normally I wake up feeling sad, and feeling a loss.

But this time it took quite a while after I woke up before I realized what I had been dreaming, and WHO I had been dreaming about. So instead of feeling sad, I actually felt sort of content. I got to see him again, and be around him again - and it was just like things were when he was alive. The experience wasn't tainted with any painful feelings, because I had forgotten the truth, and the grief that goes along with it while I was with him in my dream.

Of course, relating all this to you has gotten me a bit choked up, because I do miss him. But it was nice seeing him again.

Fears and definitions

I had an appointment with the therapist today (I don't actually know what to call her - a counsellor? therapist? she's a psychologist). It was emotional, as usual - and I think we're making progress.

It's funny because I started going to her when I felt overwhelmed with my career indecision. It was interfering with my regular day to day life, and I recognized that I wasn't handling it well on my own.
I say that it's funny because I had no idea some of the mental and emotional skeletons that have since come to light were interfering in my present (and future) life.

As an example, I was identified as a gifted child in elementary school. I have long since thought that being identified as such from an early age helped shape my self-esteem throughout my childhood. I had positive reinforcement that I was special, that I was smart. And it felt great. It felt great because up until that point, I didn't really feel that I had any other talents or gifts that made me special. And I so desperately wanted to feel special, because it was the only way I could compete with all the attention that my developmentally delayed brother seemed to get. But as a kid, I felt so terribly guilty for any jealousy about the attention my little brother got - after all, I knew that I would end up growing up with more opportunities than him, so it was wrong of me to feel jealous. At least, that's how I handled things when I was a kid. And there were no other siblings - just me and him - and he always had the spotlight, either because of his charming personality, or his special needs. So for me, being smart was the one thing that was mine, that allowed me to feel special, and that drew attention to me.

I held onto this trait so tightly that it has become ingrained in how I define myself. I've always been the smart little girl with glasses (now I'm a grown woman, but still pretty small). Sure I've developed a lot of other characteristics and nurtured some other talents along the way, but by and large, I still think many people would generally mention something about my intelligence if asked to describe me.

And despite my accomplishments throughout my life and career, I still seem to get hung up on the fear or worry that I might not actually be smart (re: special). In academia, most of my peers seem very bright. My star suddenly seems dimmer when it's surrounded by all these other stars. And this somehow affects how I view my accomplishments (maybe it was all good fortune - finding a supportive phD advisor, getting scholarships and fellowships, getting lucky with reviewers for my publications, etc). How else can I explain why I seem to have done so well, despite feeling so insecure?

I need to be able to let go of the label "smart" without feeling like I'm left with nothing. But the little girl is still clinging so tightly to that identity. She doesn't want to just be a little girl with glasses who fades into the background. But I need to do this, or my fear of being "found out," that my good fortune will run out, or that I'm really not so special, will drive my career decision - and that is not what I want.

RBOC

To keep my promise of weekday daily blogging, here are some random bullets (as I don't seem able to muster anything more coherent on a Monday morning).

• the wee babe bouncing around inside my belly has become super active over the course of this weekend - from only noticing its movements a few times a day, to feeling them pretty much throughout the entire day
• I need a nickname for this baby. Calling it just "the baby" or "it" isn't satisfactory. Any ideas?
• I did a whole lot of cleaning this weekend. Then I got to experience sciatica.
• Watched a lot of movies, and tv shows too:
• Hot Fuzz - pretty darned funny. Also it made me want to eat ice cream drumsticks. Mr. Daybyday got bonus points for running out to the store and getting some for me.
• Stranger than Fiction - very charming. And a pretty impressive cast!
• I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - disappointing. Either Adam Sandler is losing his touch, or I'm growing up.
• The Riches - tv show I had never heard about (we don't have cable) - But I'm a big Eddie Izzard fan, so what's not to love??? Also stars Minnie Driver who I also enjoy. So far we've only watched 4 episodes, but I really enjoyed them!
• Meerkat Manor - I fell in love with this series during its first season (didn't know there was a second or a third season until a NY times article announcing the death of one of the main "characters"). Anyway - I'm on episode 3 of season 2.
  
• Xena - I'm starting from the beginning, with episode 1, season 1. I've seen many episodes of the entire series over the years, though I'm not a crazed Xena fan. I have, however, gone out for Halloween as Gabrielle with a friend who dressed as Xena. I just enjoy a good female warrior kicking butt now and then.

• I am desperately trying to hold onto the motivation that seemed to return to me last week (for my research)
• Last night as I was falling asleep, I once again freaked out over the fact that I still don't know what kind of job I want to have when I leave this postdoc in a year or two. But at least I'm sort of narrowing things down. And seeing the counsellor tomorrow.
  

belly belly belly

I have decided that I neglect this blog far too much. I am going to try really hard to update it daily - or at least daily during the weekdays. Afterall, I spend all day at a computer hooked up to the internet!

I might not have all that much to say (like this morning) - but instead of keeping all the little tidbits silent until I manage to piece them into a larger post (or forget them completely as is usually the case), I'll just attempt to post them as they arise.

So today, I will tell you about my belly.

On Monday I finally went and bought some maternity pants. It's been a long time (maybe 2 months?) since my regular pants could be worn fully zipped/buttoned up. I had been using a "belly sleeve" or "bella band" (depending on the brand) which is just an elastic/stretchy tube of fabric that goes over your undone pants, to cover up (and keep your pants from falling down) the open zipper/buttoned part, and then you wear a shirt over top, and the belly sleeve just appears to be the bottom of a shirt layered underneath your regular shirt. It's pretty fantastic, and allows you to make more use of your regular pants, BUT, I found that every time I stood up from being seated, I generally had to do some major adjusting to put things back in their proper place.

But now, with these nifty new maternity pants (1 pair of jeans, and 2 pair of slacks) I don't have to fiddle around with adjustments anymore! AND they are SOOOOO comfortable (and pretty darned stylish too!). And two more bonus points for the maternity store having a petite section, so I didn't have to do any hemming, and lastly, not one pair was more than $25! Incredible! Here I thought I'd have to spend a fortune on a temporary wardrobe to accommodate my ever expanding "speed bump."

And for those of you who many be wondering, a friend loaned me all her maternity clothes, so I was set for tops, but she's taller than I am, so none of her pants fit.

And finally, I used to have an innie. I never could quite see the very deepest part of my belly button before. But now, nearly half way through the pregnancy, the bottom of the button is quickly coming to the surface. It's nearly completely flat (not an innie), and I wonder if it will become an outie before the baby is born.

The return of motivation, and more career indecision

Lately I have been suffering a terrible bout of boredom, and frustration in the lab. My motivation all but evaporated while I was waiting week after week to meet with Advisor to discuss projects. Finally Advisor was able to fit me into his busy schedule, and we had a pretty good talk. BUT, I was still not excited in the least about the project ideas we discussed.

Sigh.

Then last weekend, on the drive up to see my parents, Mr. Daybyday and I had enough extra time to squeeze in a visit to wonderful grad school! Seeing all my old pals, and even my phD advisor was a breath of fresh air (though I purposefully dodged phD advisor's questions about how things were going in the lab).

It was a nice relaxing weekend, full of wonderful food (we attended a fantastic wedding, plus Canadian thanksgiving dinner - so my pregnant self was in heaven from all the awesome food!!), and the baby bump got lots of attention from family and friends back home.

Arriving back in postdoc town, I received an email from phD advisor telling me how my visit was the highlight of his otherwise not so great day. It was as close to an emotional email as I think phD advisor can write. I was very touched. I wrote back and finally disclosed to phD advisor how things really have been going for me in postdoc lab, and how I've been struggling to figure out my next career move.

I had been afraid to tell phD advisor these things for fear of disappointing him. But instead, phD advisor wrote back and was exceptionally supportive (although, in hind-sight, I should have expected this instead of his disappointment)! PhD advisor even managed to spark my enthusiasm for research again, and suddenly the funk that I've been in started to lift.

I'm still not feeling like an eager beaver just yet, but it's a step in the right direction. And it's got me thinking (again) that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be a prof after all. I wonder if I'll ever make up my mind....

Wouldn't it be nice

Propter doc at post doc ergo propter doc has got me totally jonesing for a vacation!

I haven't been on a proper vacation in a long time - at least a few years anyway, and it was tagged onto the end of a trip to europe where I ran a marathon. So I was pretty darned sore afterwards - but it was still lovely. It was a backpacking adventure, so it wasn't all that relaxing per se, but it was still a break from my regular life as a grad student (back then). Mr. Daybyday went with me too.

But that was probably the first and only vacation that we've had together. And I haven't even been sent to any exotic conferences since - they've all been spectacularly non-vacationy.

And, AND! I have to admit that Mr. Daybyday and I never even had a honeymoon. I defended my PhD 10 days after our wedding, and within a week of that we were moving to new postdoc location. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best way to plan things - but we were eager to get settled in our new location - and it would have been hard to relax on a honeymoon knowing we still had the stress of moving to come back to. So we thought we'd put it off and go later in the year.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Now I'm entering my second trimester, and seriously wondering if it'll be years before I can have a proper vacation again? Does anyone have experience taking little ones on vacation with them? Or any advice?

In other news - the therapist/counsellor I've been seeing to help me sort out my career plans said that I had a breakthrough! This week I told her I had come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up being a scientist (that was the breakthrough, in case you're wondering). I had just gotten myself stuck into a mode of thinking that didn't allow me to define scientist as anything beyond professor (to be clear, I know that graduate students and postdocs also qualify as scientists, but I was looking further ahead in my career). But there are all sorts of other scientists who have careers as scientists, without being professors. And that's what I think I might do next, after this postdoc. There are some government research labs back home that look promising - and in their "why work for us" blurb, they actually have a section on "work/life balance"!! Incredible!

This is for Katie

Poor Katie at Minor Revisions has been having a rather rough time as of late. Luckily she has a friend who convinced her to finally go to the hospital and get her busted up ankle looked at. But in addition to being more or less mobility-challenged for now, Katie also has some stress inducing job interviews on the horizon!

So Katie needs some help to pass the time until her ankle heals, and to help distract her from the anxiety of waiting for the job interview to happen (among other things - go read her blog to get the full update!).

Since Katie almost always has updates on her blog when I'm in need of a distraction, I figured the least I could do was return the favor in her time of need.

And so, although I don't really have anything in particular to blog about, here goes:

Today when I left home to head into the lab I noticed that one of the trees near where I live has gone fiery orange! I love seeing the first signs of fall - it has always been my absolute favorite time of year - perfect temperature, and beautiful colours! Normally the first leaves that change are pretty subtle - but this whole tree looked like it was on fire! It made my day! :)

I've also been re-reading Po Bronson's "What Should I Do With My Life?" I had mentioned in a previous post that I had first read this book while wrapping up my PhD. And since the counsellor that I've been seeing to help me figure out what to do with my career gave me homework (figuring out what part of the world I most want to save/what cause I most want to devote myself to), I thought maybe that book might trigger something.

Anyway, I can't believe how much of that book I had forgotten! I remember a select few stories - but upon re-reading I realize that some of the stories that are most relevant and insightful to me now are ones that I had completely forgotten. So I'm glad that I decided to read this book again, but also a little unsettled that I could forget so much.

Anyway, one of the first few stories that I've re-read in the book talks about a woman who had been looking for her cause her whole life, and finally realized that it had been staring her in the face the whole time. She had been a kidney transplant patient as a young adult - did the long waiting list, dialysis, and suffered through a transplant that her body rejected before finally getting one that stayed. And her mother had even lost a kidney when this woman was younger. Her cause turned out to be related to organ transplant patients, and advocacy and policy for those programs. She left a cushy, but unrewarding job at a big law firm (she had gone through law school in search of her passion), and was unemployed for a year, while volunteering and awaiting her dream job. Luckily things worked out for her, and she did manage to land that dream job.

But what really struck me about her story was that she had a cause in her life all along, but was oblivious to it for so long. It made me wonder what causes I could also be ignoring or not acknowledging in my own life. I tried to think about what made me feel passionate as a kid. I was always a green earth environmentalist as a kid, and I still do have very strong feelings about sustainability. But there is something even more personal in my life that despite all my training in areas like genetics I have avoided beyond a very preliminary interest. My younger brother has a developmental disability. It has a name (which I won't reveal here, for the sake of pseudo anonymity), but it is similar in some ways to Down's Syndrome. There is quite a bit known about the genetics and cognitive abilities of people like my brother, but I could never have gone into actual research about his syndrome because I could never consider my brother a "subject." And I also never thought my brother needed to be "cured."

But because of my parents involvement in issues and advocacy for people with special needs, I have basically been a very informed, experienced advocate myself. For my entire life (well, ever since I can remember anyway). Could this be a cause that has been staring me in the face? I'm not sure how it would fit in with my science training - but I have developed a pretty nice set of skills through my training that can be transferred to non-academic settings.

Well anyway, just some food for thought - and hopefully as I continue to re-read Po Bronson's book there will be more to come.

Mid-career crisis - aka being a postdoc

I've started seeing a counsellor to help me deal with all the career woes I've been having for, oh, the past few years (basically since I started thinking about what to do after my PhD).

I think my biggest problem has been that I read and absorb so much information and advice, but then I don't actually do anything with it (except maybe order some more books, or attend more seminars about careers).

Well anyway, it has come to a head, and so I figured I needed some help sorting things out, especially now that my hormones are all bonkers. I have Mr. Daybyday, and friends and family to talk to, but some of my career insecurities and aspirations are just so personal, that it's easier to talk to a stranger about them, and feel less self conscious. It's kind of backwards, I know - but I think that my biggest hang ups (in terms of moving forward in career decisions) come from fear of revealing what my true desires are - I worry that they might seem foolish, or too lofty, or just plain odd. And seeing as I still don't know for sure what I want to do with my career, I'd rather not have to drag all my loved ones through this indecision turmoil while I figure it out.

In talking with my counsellor, I was quite sure that despite my present worries about the future, I would not have done much, if anything, different in my past. In particular, I cherish my experiences from grad school. I was so very fortunate to find myself a fantastic mentor, who became like a second father to me. Not everyone is so lucky when they find a PhD advisor. I still got pissed off at him a few times along the way - so it was by no means a fairy tale story, but overall it was great, and I consider him a wonderful friend now.

There were mostly great people in the lab, and in the department - but a few really awful ones too. We had one student with excellent grades, but absolutely no social skills whatsoever! It was the creepiest thing ever! I don't even want to go into the details for fear of undoing all the hard work to repress most of those memories. We had another with such bad hygiene that when someone finally tried to talk to them about it, they freaked out, and quit (and moved to another country within the week!). And we had one more who just increased the tension in the lab about a million fold, because they wanted to exert authority over some of the newer students, and I wouldn't let them brow beat the underlings (pick on someone your own size!). But they all came and went, and much nicer people stayed the course, to make it a pretty supportive and family like group. My academic "little brother" just defended his PhD last week - and I'm just so proud of him!

There's lots of things I would do differently now, having all the experience and knowledge that I have gained - like not getting so worked up the first time I had to TA a course. But it took all those stressful and awkward experiences for me to become the much wiser person I am today. Not that I'm actually wise - but much wiser than I was.

I've often said that if I could go back I would have taken course A instead of course B (because, for instance, the second year course B that I took was a complete waste of time in which I learned nothing) - but I doubt that it would have made much difference. And despite my present turmoil over what to do with my career, I am pretty happy with my life and how things have turned out.

It's hard to think of what I would have done differently if given the chance - because I've been pretty fortunate. I think I just would have spent more time with my grad school friends while I was still physically there - because of all the changes in moving to Fantastic U for this postdoc, I miss the people from my grad school experience the most.

Less groggy

Sorry for the lack of posting lately - morning (afternoon and night) sickness took me out of commission for quite a while. But thankfully (I hope!) the worst of that is behind me.

I started feeling a bit better last week while my family was visiting. I still couldn't manage to go out with them to eat - but I was starting to stomach some regular food again. I ventured out with them for about two hours one day, but had to come home and rest afterwards.

I gotta say, I never realized how different day to day life can be when you're pregnant. Now that I am pregnant, I find out all about the fatigue and nausea - but it just never occurred to me before how much these two things can influence life when you are pregnant. And then I hear tales of some women who didn't even realize they were pregnant until they were about 6 months along!

Anyway, it was a really great visit with my family, and my mom came with me to my first ultrasound appointment (Mr. Daybyday was very upset that he had to miss that one because of work - but he'll be at the next one). I was so relieved to see that the baby really was a baby (so it wasn't a molar pregnancy) and that it was in the uterus where it was supposed to be (not ectopic). But the most amazing part of the ultrasound was when I saw the little one's heart beating! Suddenly the pregnancy felt so real! Not that the nausea didn't feel real, but seeing the little heart beating really brought home that there was a living entity inside me! I imagine that feeling the baby move will have a similar effect on me when it happens.

So yeah, I felt well enough to come back into work this week. I still don't have my full appetite back, despite being hungry ALL THE TIME - but I was able to handle food smells in my building without too much trouble yesterday.

groggy

Sorry for the infrequent posting - this little chickpea sized tenant sure knows how to keep me occupied! I don't mind the fatigue so much, but the constant nausea is really no fun at all. It's quite strange the eating habits this little one is making me adopt. I had to stop worrying that I was eating like crap, and instead just try to eat anything that wouldn't make me feel sick - even if that means all I eat some days is watermelon, popcorn, and ice cream. It has nothing to do with "cravings" - just that virtually everything else triggers my nausea.

But enough of that (seriously, bring on the second trimester already, and hope that the nausea fades by then!), I've been thinking a lot about the next career move (again).... I am by most accounts the main bread winner in my little family of 2+. Mr. Daybyday is on a new career track but right now most positions he can get are entry level. And because we moved abroad to follow my career, I feel pretty obligated to make things work and continue earning a pretty penny.

And yet, I just don't find research all that fulfilling anymore. I know that I go through phases of ups and downs, and this may just be a local down - but I'm not so sure that it's not a bigger trend. So now I'm trying to think of what kind of faculty position would be able to give me fulfillment that the research just doesn't seem to.... And maybe a position at a university without a grad program would be ideal. There are loads of folks out there who still do some research with undergraduate students, and maybe teaching would be more of what I'm looking for - interaction with people, and maybe more time for outreach programs. Maybe I'm kidding myself and the teaching load would be too heavy, but I have some people to contact and ask about their experience in similar careers - so we'll find out!

new bras

Wow, I never expected the early stages of pregnancy to be so quick with some of the physical changes I've been noticing. I had to go buy some new bras today because my regular bras are so tight now they hurt! I went up a cup size already. That's just nuts!

Also, what's with all the peeing? There is no big heavy baby pressing on top of my bladder yet, but my bladder thinks otherwise - waking me up during the night to tell me so...

Both sets of grandparents were very happy about our news, and I'm wanting to tell more close friends, but I had wanted to wait at least until my first appointment with the doctor today where I thought that they would confirm the pregnancy and do a prenatal check up. They confirmed the pregnancy ("It's very positive" she said), and then proceeded to tell me that they don't do prenatal care, and would set up a referral to an OB-GYN/midwife. I wish the receptionist had told me this when I booked today's appointment! I wouldn't have gotten myself nearly as worked up. Anyway, I have an appointment with a midwife in a few weeks (apparently I was lucky to get one that soon?), and I'll try my best to think positive and not worry until then. Yeah right. I'm such a worrier.

Ah well, at least I have some new bras that don't hurt.

whoa

Aaaaarg!

Bah! Ack! Blargle!

Have you ever had to deal with a journal embargo? Have you ever had to deal with it when things get out before they are supposed to?

What a lovely mess....

Impostor syndrome

I have impostor syndrome. I know that I test well, and that I've got an impressive academic CV, but I still have serious doubts about my ability to succeed further in academia. I think this is one of the main reasons why I'm hesitant to continue (and yet, not desperately searching for other careers - because I'm averse to change). I'm so worried that I won't be able to meet the expectations that my performance so far has produced.

However, I don't want to give up. But I also don't want to take on a career that simply stresses me out without providing enough fulfillment in return.

I have been feeling this way for some time - but it was particularly sharpened after getting back from the conference. I wasn't pumped and excited to get back to work. Normally conferences stimulate. There were loads of fascinating talks, and stimulating ideas at this conference, but it just didn't have the desired effect on me this time. When I arrived home after the conference it felt much the same as the time I realized I no longer got a rush from roller coasters anymore. It made me a little sad.

Then I show up to the lab and find mail on my desk announcing that I have been chosen to receive this really awesome, and prestigious award by Hugest Society of My Country - because I am, according to them, a postdoc "with outstanding qualifications in scholarship and research" and they made my research sound so amazing and groundbreakingly important. I was deeply honored.

And yet I still feel as though I've unintentionally fooled them all.

Resisting change

Sometimes I think I'm pretty darned lucky that I was born when I was. Because I'm really not that well adapted, and today's society, at least in the part of the world where I reside, is much more forgiving of my downfalls. Had I been born farther back in the past, I probably would have died from stress related to change.

I have the annoying ability of turning into a nervous wreck over the silliest things. Because at the time, they don't seem silly to me - they seem HUGE. Other times I just get into a funk, without any major breakdown - but it is still frustrating none-the-less.

Case in point: Mr. Daybyday has a new work schedule. This means that I now have a new day to day schedule - our old routine, which was difficult for me, is now gone. I should be happy, ecstatic even! But I find myself struggling to find a new routine that doesn't leave me feeling lost. Our new routine even gives me a bunch more free time on my own - time to do those things that I never end up doing when Mr. Daybyday is around - like really long phone calls with friends.

I know it will just take some time before this new routine becomes comfortable and familiar, but in the mean time I'm sort of annoyed that change has this affect on me. I guess I'm just a creature of habit.

That being said, I do get excited about some changes - like when I think about dream jobs that I do not currently hold. I just need to take that excitement and convert it to action, rather than letting it pass for the sake of maintaining routine.

Sarong Theorem

Since it is Friday, I thought I would give you all a little treat:

Well, it's a treat if you're like me and enjoy seeing people prove theorems while wearing sarongs.

fertility

I am still amazed that I want to get pregnant. I'm also amazed that after all those years of trying so desperately to prevent pregnancy, conception appears a smidgen more difficult to achieve than I had anticipated.

Mr. Daybyday bought us a book called "The Mother of all pregnancy books" by Ann Douglas. It has some extensive sections on pre-conception and things to increase the chances of conception. It is also much more informative than I had thought it would be. I have learned about some interesting details of human reproduction that I hadn't already known (which is impressive, since I'm a scientist and all).

But it also got me thinking of some possible fertility issues that we might have. My mother's side of the family appears quite fecund. But on my father's side I remember hearing that my grandmother had some miscarriages in between the birth of my father and his only sibling (they are separated by 20 years!).

I'm not overly worried. But just find it ironic that after all the turmoil of finally deciding to try and get pregnant, it is taking longer than I thought it would.

disenheartened

Things are going really well at the conference, despite the title of this post. My talk, for instance, seemed to be a great success. I wasn't nearly as anxious as I thought I'd be leading up to the talk - although I was counting down the hours from the time I woke up. But overall, it was a pretty fantastic experience. Biggest crowd I've spoken in front of - a little under 1000 people. And my phD advisor, who was also in attendance (PA was not at this conference), had the nicest and most rewarding words for me afterwards. He was very proud.

And there have been plenty of really fascinating symposia topics so far (that has helped to keep me from obsessing before my talk - too interested in the other talks).

So with all these interesting symposia, and my talk going as well as I could have hoped, why am I feeling so disenheartened? I think it is because this is the first conference where I've noticed "the club."

I used to get almost star-struck when I finally caught a glimpse of any big name scientist in person. But now I guess I've been around the block enough to finally notice the subtle snubbing during talks, and the political ego boosting that goes on too. I understand that science is full of some very peculiar personalities, but I just wish success didn't have to depend on who likes who and other silly ego dependent games.

Maybe I would feel differently if I was in "the club" with all the other big names. But seeing as how the work of my former labmate (from my phD lab) was completely snubbed during some talks, despite the speakers having cited his work in their publications (which means they are award of it!), if my friends/academic siblings are not in the club, I doubt that I am either.

It's all just very disenheartening to think you can work so hard, and produce great work, but still not be recognized as successful because you're not best friends with the big names. That is also why I generally think less of PNAS as a journal - I've seen some people crap on paper and get it published simply because they were a member or close with a member of the academy. But that is a subject better left for a post of its own.

Ah well. I don't want to sound whiny. I'm just sad that this conference hasn't made me feel pumped about science like they usually do. I hope they're not all going to have this effect from now on.

close friends

I just found out recently that a very close friend of mine has been engaged for about a month. And I found out from my MOM.

I'm a little more bothered that I heard this great news through my maternal grapevine than I am happy for my friend. I've known him my entire life - he's practically family - might as well be a brother to me! So I guess I'm a little hurt that he never shared his good news with me.

It's partly my fault - I've been so caught up in preparing things for this conference and having a hard time concentrating much effort on anything not research related lately (hence the lack of blog posts). But still, an email from him would have been better than nothing.

I should be more mature about this and just call my friend and be happy for him. I just feel like after all these years I mean less to him, and that stings. I'm sure Mr. Daybyday will talk some sense into me. Usually that means I'll get mad at Mr. Daybyday for not seeing my side of things first, but eventually I'll admit that he's right and move on. Until then, I brood.

lab talk

Mr. Daybyday used to cringe at the thought of heading to the bar with me and some of my grad school buddies. He doesn't seem to worry much about that anymore.

As a non scientist he was often put-off by the amount of shop-talk that some of my friends did while at the pub. I can't really blame him, because even I would lose my buzz during some of those conversations. But it just happened that some of the people I hung around with absolutely LOVED talking about science. It didn't matter where they were.

A post over at YoungFemaleScientist inspired me to write about why I don't personally do much science blogging here.

One reason is that to maintain some form of anonymity, I try not to reveal too much of my own area of expertise. But that really only accounts for a very small part of the answer.

I would say that the major reason why my posts tend not to be about science is because I just haven't felt the need to blog about science. I think about and do science for a large part of my day, and frankly, my brain needs a chance to rest and consolidate the information or else I start feeling as though I'm pulling an all-nighter and cramming for an exam at the last minute. That, and there is more to life than science.

I used to talk about scientific musings to friends and family who seemed interested. I don't seem to do that as much anymore. I think the change that produced this shift was becoming a full time scientist rather than a student (although, we scientists are always pseudo-students). Now I am surrounded by and have the resources at hand to muse about science to my hearts content - while I am at work. I just don't often feel the need to do that anymore at home (or in blogspace).

I still know lots of people who love talking about science all the time, and blog about it regularly - I'm just not one of them. I used to wonder if maybe that meant I wasn't cut out to be an academic. But now I think that there's room for people like me in academia too - as long as I am productive in the time I spend in the lab, why shouldn't I have a life outside of science too?

So this blog is my outlet for all the other things on my mind. I like to think that dealing with all the other aspects of my life on here helps clear my mind so that when I am in the lab I can be a better scientist. And hey, if readers find my blog entertaining, or helpful, that's a bonus!

update on manuscript

I was about to post "no update" because I still hadn't heard word of the EIC's decision on my manuscript - but then the email arrived a few moments ago saying that the manuscript has been accepted!

This is a good Monday.

losing time

Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

Mr. Daybyday and myself had it in our heads that we had an extra weekend (one more than we actually do) before I leave for my conference. We were even planning to possibly visit friends and family back home for that now non-existent weekend.

I'm still baffled by this. I could have swore I saw that extra weekend on my calendar! But now it is no where to be seen.

Egads, that means I have one less week to practice my talk for the conference.

I have put together my talk and practiced it a couple times now - but I want to get feedback from PA and the group here before I really start getting the talk fixed in my head. I'm not terribly worried, but noticeably more worried than I was when I thought I still had 7 more days than I actually do.

In any case, working on the presentation has been keeping me very busy lately along with submitting the revised version of my manuscript, visiting with friends from out of town, oh, and unexpectedly buying a car!

Mr. Daybyday got a new job that requires him to change his license to the state we currently live in. But that bungles up things with the vehicle that we currently drive, in terms of insurance and the lease contract. I very strongly dislike driving the vehicle that we currently drive (because of a horrible, horrible blind spot it creates for people my size), so I was very excited at the prospect of getting rid of it even though it will end up costing us a bit to do so. Anyway, in the span of about 4 days we went from "hey, wanna buy a used car here and get rid of vehicle you hate?" to "wow, that was the biggest personal cheque I ever wrote" to pay for the new used car we decided to purchase.

Next thing up will be a mortgage. Scary!

So anyway, as rushed as that seems (and it was rushed), we spent a LOT of time investigating potential cars to purchase, which is mostly why I had no free time outside of work to blog - and during work hours I was too busy obsessing over my presentation and manuscript revisions.

And speaking of the manuscript.... Right after I submitted the revisions (which, by the way, took nearly 2 hours just to upload the files and copy and paste the figure legends into the silly online manuscript submission system, which then needed to be corrected to use their silly symbols because special symbols don't paste into the text box), the status of the manuscript said that the revised version was awaiting review. I wasn't sure if it would be sent out to the reviewers again or if the associate editor would just look at the revisions and my letter explaining them (the AE only called for minor revisions). Then about a day later the status changed to "Awaiting Editor in Chief decision" - that usually means the AE has made their decision and reccommends accepting or revisions or rejection and the EIC has to sign off on the decision. But it's been in that status now for DAYS! Don't they know I'm waiting impatiently to find out?

Well in any case I'm hoping that the rapid decision from the AE is a good sign, and that the EIC is just busy or something.

And now I should probably get back to practicing my talk again - right after I check on the manuscript....

Feeling connected

It has been almost a full year since I started this postdoc, and I am just now beginning to feel connected to the people here. I had been at my previous university for nearly a decade (undergrad + phD). I had grown so accustomed to knowing everybody and was quite adept at finding virtually all the ins and outs that it was quite shocking to be transplanted to another country, a new school, and a new lab, where I suddenly felt like the newbie.

When I first started here I was lucky enough to have a former grad school friend show me the ropes (she had started her postdoc here a year before me). I'm sure that I would have been even more distraught if I hadn't had her as my guide. It has taken me a long time to start to feel comfortable here - it didn't help that when I first arrived there was no physical space for me in the lab, so I was all by myself on another floor, in an "overflow" lab. For a brief period of time within the first few weeks there was a brand new grad student in that empty lab with me. We became friends quite quickly, but she soon started her rotations and I was once again alone. I spent the first four months in that overflow lab until a space opened up in the main lab.

On the plus side, however, I was able to do loads of martial art practice in that big empty lab with no one around to see me. AND I had a pretty sweet window right by my desk.

But I gave it all up to have some interaction with my lab mates and be in closer physical proximity to PA's office. It's amazing how reluctant I was to just "pop by" PA's office as he had suggested during the months that I was up in the overflow lab. I didn't want to waste my time to walk down a flight of stairs and into the main lab only to find out PA wasn't around.

I should mention that I was offered a space in the lab next door to the main lab. But the space was quite cramped, and I was warned by a few people that it might be better just to hold out for a proper desk in my lab. Since I knew when the person who was occupying my space in the main lab was leaving I decided to tough it out in the overflow lab. I did end up getting a lot of work done there for my first manuscript with PA. So I guess it wasn't a complete waste.

But now that I am in a the main lab I no longer have my swank window with a view. I don't have a window at all. There are four of us crammed into quite a small space (we are the computational folks in the lab) while the bench jockeys take up the rest of the seats (including all the window seats) in the main space of the lab. Sometimes I'm envious of the postdocs at my old university who got their own offices (typically 2 postdocs per office), with windows and everything, in addition to desk space in the main labs. They were really treated like pseudo-faculty which I thought was pretty cool.

But back to the point of this post. I've been immersed in this lab fully now for almost 6 months and am starting to feel like people finally know who I am. The computational folks I feel very comfortable with now - as I did with the people in my old lab. So that is fantastic! I've also been told that they were relieved to have me here, since the person who sat at my desk before me wasn't the easiest to get along with.

I'm even starting to feel less anxious around PA (I'm still a little concerned that I haven't proven myself to him yet) - but PA told me that my manuscript was the only one from this batch (that he has been involved with) that had made it through review! AND yesterday I had a meeting with him where I ended up suggesting a technique to use for an analysis he wanted to do, and he said excitedly "That's an excellent idea! I hadn't thought to use that technique!" to which I replied "Woohoo!" whilst shaking a celebratory fist in the air.

Stupid nightmare

Okay, given my last post, how totally obvious is the interpretation of this awful dream I had last night:

I found myself suddenly at the big international conference, the day before I am supposed to give my talk. A bunch of my grad school friends are there (even ones that wouldn't be at the conference in reality - that should have been clue #1 that I was dreaming). Then it hits me:

I DIDN'T PREPARE A TALK!!!

I start freaking out internally. How could I have NOT prepared my presentation? How could I have completely forgotten such an important thing - THE major reason I was going to the conference to begin with?! How could PA have let me do such a stupid thing? And again, how could I let me do such a stupid thing?! How the heck did a whole month slide by without me realizing that I hadn't prepared my talk?

So at this point I'm thinking this MUST be a dream. I pinch myself. Repeatedly. I'm not sure what that was supposed to accomplish, but I'm still at the conference, still very much freaking out.

Then I get all high and mighty and decide I will boycott my talk. After all, I have no slides. What else could I do? Yes. I just won't give my talk. But how bad would that look? I'm supposed to give this competition talk, and I just blow it off? I can't do that....

Sigh.

Okay, maybe I can somehow manage to put together my talk. I'll just reuse most of the presentation slides from the last conference - except there were a few things that absolutely have to be changed from my old slides. Alright, find someone with a laptop and internet access - then I'll access my computer at work with the presentation files and hopefully be able to modify the slides and then at least I'll have a presentation to give.

So I find one of my friends, and she lets me use her laptop - but I'm all upset because I know that even if I can somehow fix up the presentation slides I still have to practice my talk, which means I'll likely miss a bunch of the seminars during the first day in order to do that.

More signals that should have clued me into this being a dream: my former lab-mate, who is about to defend his PhD in real life, somehow managed to be the opening keynote speaker for the conference. Followed by by former advisor. And then another one of my friends (guess I didn't have much creativity for "extras" in my dream).

And then FINALLY, after I had just remembered how I verbally introduced the first slide of my talk at the previous conference, I woke up.

THANK DOG.

stupid stupid stupid. Why am I stressing myself out in my sleep?! Arg.

random update

I am SO close to finishing all the revisions for my latest manuscript. Just a few more edits after which I'll send the revised version to PA. Then hopefully we can send it back to the associate editor for publication! That would be delightful.

Then I have to start worrying about an upcoming conference and the talk I'll be giving there. When I registered for the conference and requested to give a talk, I also decided to try for one of those sort of "prestige" talks that they offer for recent phD students and new postdocs - a small number of the applicants are selected to give talks to the entire mass of conference attendees (no concurrent sessions). I guess I jazzed up my abstract enough to catch their attention and got myself selected! Woohoo! But also, "OH CRAP!"

I was so nervous preparing for my talk at the smallish conference I attended earlier this year - I just know I'll be more nervous for this one, and I don't look forward to that part. I really hope I get over this quickly. I've given plenty of talks to audiences throughout my academic life - but conferences still get to me. Well at least my talk will be during the first few days of the conference, rather than at the very end.

Aside from that I've been extremely happy to have Mr. Daybyday back home with me. He brought home with him some amazing stories and pictures from his adventure. Maybe next time I will be able to go with him.

And I'm still very much on the fence about this whole academic career thing. I think I'm just too scared to make an actual decision. I should probably start contacting some of the people I know who do research in government labs to set up some informational interviews. I just don't feel like I've done enough to prepare for those yet. Damn, I'm good at procrastinating.

Literacy and equality

The other day another postdoc in the lab was having a conversation with one of the grad students and they were both speaking in mandarin (I am assuming). Normally it's easier for me to tune out conversations that aren't in a language that I understand. However, this particular conversation was punctuated with non-mandarin words like "analysis of variance" and "posterior probability" (this particular postdoc is the lab's resident statistician, can you tell?). So I started unintentionally tuning them in every time I heard a word or phrase that was distinctly not mandarin.

After the student left I turned to Dr. Stats and told him that I thought it was funny how his conversation was sprinkled with so many english words (I really did find it amusing). He told me that most of the time jargon like that is just easier to say in english because you never know if the other person knows the correct chinese word for what you are talking about.

Then we talked about how new words are invented in one language, and sometimes adopted in all languages, or translated into language specific jargon. I always think of how the french word for "shampoo" is "shampooing" - just because as a kid that always made me laugh... the "pooing" part anyway. But for new fields of research (ie. New-ology) Dr. Stats told me that instead of just adopting the english word, the chinese generally construct their own proper translation since they would have appropriate words for whatever the "new" part was and the "ology" as well.

From there he demonstrated how the written characters of the chinese are useful for such pairings. And I told him how I had once taken a Japanese class and learned a few chinese characters from that class, but how I found them very complex and difficult to remember how to write.

Then I got a really interesting history lesson.

Apparently the chinese government was paying attention to how difficult it was to be literate in chinese, so in the 1950's they decided to revamp many of the most commonly used characters to simplify them. I won't go into too many details (we probably talked and read wikipedia for an hour during my history lesson), but the literacy in China before the simplification of characters was very low. We're talking only the very rich, and those in larger cities. But China has a huge population, and many live in rural areas where perhaps only one person in a village knew even a handful of written characters. Now the literacy rate is above 90%, and even higher among the younger people of China. They also introduced laws requiring children up to a certain age to attend school, so I'm sure that has helped and is probably why the younger generation have an even higher literacy rate than the general population in China.

But what kept striking me as amazing was the fact that one of the worlds most populous countries was able to change their written language - and do so successfully! I can only imagine the riots and complaints that would take place in north america (or europe for that matter) if any of the governments decided to make people re-learn their written language!! It would never happen! But Dr. Stats assured me that because the literacy rate was so low when the chinese government did this, most people were happy to have an easier system to learn - and also, that no one dared argue too loudly against what the government told them to do.

Part of me is just so proud of that endeavour - it seems to have been very successful, despite how huge of a change it was (changing what side of the road a country drives on seems teeny in comparison). I'm still amazed that they pulled it off.

One last thing Dr. Stats told me about the Chinese government - they had a slogan that went something like:

We don't worry about poverty, we worry about inequality.

I can't say which I would worry about more, but still the socialist in me applauds.