Pendulum swing and balance

It's so odd. Suddenly I can get deeply motivated by science again - and not just half-heartedly. For a while there I felt a loss in fulfillment and meaning from my research. The only motivation to get it done was that it was my job. I wasn't even sure if I wanted it to be my passion again.

I'm very relieved to have the pendulum swing back in this more satisfying direction - but I'm also wondering why the heck it keeps going back and forth. Does this happen to all scientists (but maybe to a lesser degree)?

What is additionally strange (but I'm not complaining) is my shift in work/life balance attitude. Where I previously envied my friend who could take a year off for maternity leave, and then return to work without missing a beat (she's an ER nurse) - now I'm pretty sure that I would miss doing my research, and that I'd want to get back sooner (much sooner) than a year. In fact, I could even see myself enjoying my work enough to pull those strange hours that I used to think were crazy (like working again at night once the kids are in bed) - as long as I had quality time with the hubby and family too. I used to think that type of lifestyle was unbalanced. Now it seems pretty nice - but only with the major caveat that I really loved what I was doing.

Those who've left us

I had a dream last night - I have been having more bizarre dreams since becoming pregnant.

In this dream, however, my maternal grandparents were the main characters (along with myself). The strange thing about this particular cast is that in real life my grandfather passed away just over 2 years ago. But in my dream, it was as if the memory of his death was completely erased from my brain - there he was, just as I remember him, and there was nothing strange about it. The dream was quite long (with several scenes and plot developments), and at no time did my mind say "Hey, wait a second, Grandpa passed away - so you better make the most of your time with him here in this dream!" (normally I have that dialog when I dream about people or pets who've passed away, and I begin to have some lucidity as I awaken). And then normally I wake up feeling sad, and feeling a loss.

But this time it took quite a while after I woke up before I realized what I had been dreaming, and WHO I had been dreaming about. So instead of feeling sad, I actually felt sort of content. I got to see him again, and be around him again - and it was just like things were when he was alive. The experience wasn't tainted with any painful feelings, because I had forgotten the truth, and the grief that goes along with it while I was with him in my dream.

Of course, relating all this to you has gotten me a bit choked up, because I do miss him. But it was nice seeing him again.

Fears and definitions

I had an appointment with the therapist today (I don't actually know what to call her - a counsellor? therapist? she's a psychologist). It was emotional, as usual - and I think we're making progress.

It's funny because I started going to her when I felt overwhelmed with my career indecision. It was interfering with my regular day to day life, and I recognized that I wasn't handling it well on my own.
I say that it's funny because I had no idea some of the mental and emotional skeletons that have since come to light were interfering in my present (and future) life.

As an example, I was identified as a gifted child in elementary school. I have long since thought that being identified as such from an early age helped shape my self-esteem throughout my childhood. I had positive reinforcement that I was special, that I was smart. And it felt great. It felt great because up until that point, I didn't really feel that I had any other talents or gifts that made me special. And I so desperately wanted to feel special, because it was the only way I could compete with all the attention that my developmentally delayed brother seemed to get. But as a kid, I felt so terribly guilty for any jealousy about the attention my little brother got - after all, I knew that I would end up growing up with more opportunities than him, so it was wrong of me to feel jealous. At least, that's how I handled things when I was a kid. And there were no other siblings - just me and him - and he always had the spotlight, either because of his charming personality, or his special needs. So for me, being smart was the one thing that was mine, that allowed me to feel special, and that drew attention to me.

I held onto this trait so tightly that it has become ingrained in how I define myself. I've always been the smart little girl with glasses (now I'm a grown woman, but still pretty small). Sure I've developed a lot of other characteristics and nurtured some other talents along the way, but by and large, I still think many people would generally mention something about my intelligence if asked to describe me.

And despite my accomplishments throughout my life and career, I still seem to get hung up on the fear or worry that I might not actually be smart (re: special). In academia, most of my peers seem very bright. My star suddenly seems dimmer when it's surrounded by all these other stars. And this somehow affects how I view my accomplishments (maybe it was all good fortune - finding a supportive phD advisor, getting scholarships and fellowships, getting lucky with reviewers for my publications, etc). How else can I explain why I seem to have done so well, despite feeling so insecure?

I need to be able to let go of the label "smart" without feeling like I'm left with nothing. But the little girl is still clinging so tightly to that identity. She doesn't want to just be a little girl with glasses who fades into the background. But I need to do this, or my fear of being "found out," that my good fortune will run out, or that I'm really not so special, will drive my career decision - and that is not what I want.

RBOC

To keep my promise of weekday daily blogging, here are some random bullets (as I don't seem able to muster anything more coherent on a Monday morning).

• the wee babe bouncing around inside my belly has become super active over the course of this weekend - from only noticing its movements a few times a day, to feeling them pretty much throughout the entire day
• I need a nickname for this baby. Calling it just "the baby" or "it" isn't satisfactory. Any ideas?
• I did a whole lot of cleaning this weekend. Then I got to experience sciatica.
• Watched a lot of movies, and tv shows too:
• Hot Fuzz - pretty darned funny. Also it made me want to eat ice cream drumsticks. Mr. Daybyday got bonus points for running out to the store and getting some for me.
• Stranger than Fiction - very charming. And a pretty impressive cast!
• I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - disappointing. Either Adam Sandler is losing his touch, or I'm growing up.
• The Riches - tv show I had never heard about (we don't have cable) - But I'm a big Eddie Izzard fan, so what's not to love??? Also stars Minnie Driver who I also enjoy. So far we've only watched 4 episodes, but I really enjoyed them!
• Meerkat Manor - I fell in love with this series during its first season (didn't know there was a second or a third season until a NY times article announcing the death of one of the main "characters"). Anyway - I'm on episode 3 of season 2.
  
• Xena - I'm starting from the beginning, with episode 1, season 1. I've seen many episodes of the entire series over the years, though I'm not a crazed Xena fan. I have, however, gone out for Halloween as Gabrielle with a friend who dressed as Xena. I just enjoy a good female warrior kicking butt now and then.

• I am desperately trying to hold onto the motivation that seemed to return to me last week (for my research)
• Last night as I was falling asleep, I once again freaked out over the fact that I still don't know what kind of job I want to have when I leave this postdoc in a year or two. But at least I'm sort of narrowing things down. And seeing the counsellor tomorrow.
  

belly belly belly

I have decided that I neglect this blog far too much. I am going to try really hard to update it daily - or at least daily during the weekdays. Afterall, I spend all day at a computer hooked up to the internet!

I might not have all that much to say (like this morning) - but instead of keeping all the little tidbits silent until I manage to piece them into a larger post (or forget them completely as is usually the case), I'll just attempt to post them as they arise.

So today, I will tell you about my belly.

On Monday I finally went and bought some maternity pants. It's been a long time (maybe 2 months?) since my regular pants could be worn fully zipped/buttoned up. I had been using a "belly sleeve" or "bella band" (depending on the brand) which is just an elastic/stretchy tube of fabric that goes over your undone pants, to cover up (and keep your pants from falling down) the open zipper/buttoned part, and then you wear a shirt over top, and the belly sleeve just appears to be the bottom of a shirt layered underneath your regular shirt. It's pretty fantastic, and allows you to make more use of your regular pants, BUT, I found that every time I stood up from being seated, I generally had to do some major adjusting to put things back in their proper place.

But now, with these nifty new maternity pants (1 pair of jeans, and 2 pair of slacks) I don't have to fiddle around with adjustments anymore! AND they are SOOOOO comfortable (and pretty darned stylish too!). And two more bonus points for the maternity store having a petite section, so I didn't have to do any hemming, and lastly, not one pair was more than $25! Incredible! Here I thought I'd have to spend a fortune on a temporary wardrobe to accommodate my ever expanding "speed bump."

And for those of you who many be wondering, a friend loaned me all her maternity clothes, so I was set for tops, but she's taller than I am, so none of her pants fit.

And finally, I used to have an innie. I never could quite see the very deepest part of my belly button before. But now, nearly half way through the pregnancy, the bottom of the button is quickly coming to the surface. It's nearly completely flat (not an innie), and I wonder if it will become an outie before the baby is born.

The return of motivation, and more career indecision

Lately I have been suffering a terrible bout of boredom, and frustration in the lab. My motivation all but evaporated while I was waiting week after week to meet with Advisor to discuss projects. Finally Advisor was able to fit me into his busy schedule, and we had a pretty good talk. BUT, I was still not excited in the least about the project ideas we discussed.

Sigh.

Then last weekend, on the drive up to see my parents, Mr. Daybyday and I had enough extra time to squeeze in a visit to wonderful grad school! Seeing all my old pals, and even my phD advisor was a breath of fresh air (though I purposefully dodged phD advisor's questions about how things were going in the lab).

It was a nice relaxing weekend, full of wonderful food (we attended a fantastic wedding, plus Canadian thanksgiving dinner - so my pregnant self was in heaven from all the awesome food!!), and the baby bump got lots of attention from family and friends back home.

Arriving back in postdoc town, I received an email from phD advisor telling me how my visit was the highlight of his otherwise not so great day. It was as close to an emotional email as I think phD advisor can write. I was very touched. I wrote back and finally disclosed to phD advisor how things really have been going for me in postdoc lab, and how I've been struggling to figure out my next career move.

I had been afraid to tell phD advisor these things for fear of disappointing him. But instead, phD advisor wrote back and was exceptionally supportive (although, in hind-sight, I should have expected this instead of his disappointment)! PhD advisor even managed to spark my enthusiasm for research again, and suddenly the funk that I've been in started to lift.

I'm still not feeling like an eager beaver just yet, but it's a step in the right direction. And it's got me thinking (again) that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be a prof after all. I wonder if I'll ever make up my mind....

Wouldn't it be nice

Propter doc at post doc ergo propter doc has got me totally jonesing for a vacation!

I haven't been on a proper vacation in a long time - at least a few years anyway, and it was tagged onto the end of a trip to europe where I ran a marathon. So I was pretty darned sore afterwards - but it was still lovely. It was a backpacking adventure, so it wasn't all that relaxing per se, but it was still a break from my regular life as a grad student (back then). Mr. Daybyday went with me too.

But that was probably the first and only vacation that we've had together. And I haven't even been sent to any exotic conferences since - they've all been spectacularly non-vacationy.

And, AND! I have to admit that Mr. Daybyday and I never even had a honeymoon. I defended my PhD 10 days after our wedding, and within a week of that we were moving to new postdoc location. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best way to plan things - but we were eager to get settled in our new location - and it would have been hard to relax on a honeymoon knowing we still had the stress of moving to come back to. So we thought we'd put it off and go later in the year.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Now I'm entering my second trimester, and seriously wondering if it'll be years before I can have a proper vacation again? Does anyone have experience taking little ones on vacation with them? Or any advice?

In other news - the therapist/counsellor I've been seeing to help me sort out my career plans said that I had a breakthrough! This week I told her I had come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to give up being a scientist (that was the breakthrough, in case you're wondering). I had just gotten myself stuck into a mode of thinking that didn't allow me to define scientist as anything beyond professor (to be clear, I know that graduate students and postdocs also qualify as scientists, but I was looking further ahead in my career). But there are all sorts of other scientists who have careers as scientists, without being professors. And that's what I think I might do next, after this postdoc. There are some government research labs back home that look promising - and in their "why work for us" blurb, they actually have a section on "work/life balance"!! Incredible!