Fears and definitions

I had an appointment with the therapist today (I don't actually know what to call her - a counsellor? therapist? she's a psychologist). It was emotional, as usual - and I think we're making progress.

It's funny because I started going to her when I felt overwhelmed with my career indecision. It was interfering with my regular day to day life, and I recognized that I wasn't handling it well on my own.
I say that it's funny because I had no idea some of the mental and emotional skeletons that have since come to light were interfering in my present (and future) life.

As an example, I was identified as a gifted child in elementary school. I have long since thought that being identified as such from an early age helped shape my self-esteem throughout my childhood. I had positive reinforcement that I was special, that I was smart. And it felt great. It felt great because up until that point, I didn't really feel that I had any other talents or gifts that made me special. And I so desperately wanted to feel special, because it was the only way I could compete with all the attention that my developmentally delayed brother seemed to get. But as a kid, I felt so terribly guilty for any jealousy about the attention my little brother got - after all, I knew that I would end up growing up with more opportunities than him, so it was wrong of me to feel jealous. At least, that's how I handled things when I was a kid. And there were no other siblings - just me and him - and he always had the spotlight, either because of his charming personality, or his special needs. So for me, being smart was the one thing that was mine, that allowed me to feel special, and that drew attention to me.

I held onto this trait so tightly that it has become ingrained in how I define myself. I've always been the smart little girl with glasses (now I'm a grown woman, but still pretty small). Sure I've developed a lot of other characteristics and nurtured some other talents along the way, but by and large, I still think many people would generally mention something about my intelligence if asked to describe me.

And despite my accomplishments throughout my life and career, I still seem to get hung up on the fear or worry that I might not actually be smart (re: special). In academia, most of my peers seem very bright. My star suddenly seems dimmer when it's surrounded by all these other stars. And this somehow affects how I view my accomplishments (maybe it was all good fortune - finding a supportive phD advisor, getting scholarships and fellowships, getting lucky with reviewers for my publications, etc). How else can I explain why I seem to have done so well, despite feeling so insecure?

I need to be able to let go of the label "smart" without feeling like I'm left with nothing. But the little girl is still clinging so tightly to that identity. She doesn't want to just be a little girl with glasses who fades into the background. But I need to do this, or my fear of being "found out," that my good fortune will run out, or that I'm really not so special, will drive my career decision - and that is not what I want.