Pendulum swing and balance

It's so odd. Suddenly I can get deeply motivated by science again - and not just half-heartedly. For a while there I felt a loss in fulfillment and meaning from my research. The only motivation to get it done was that it was my job. I wasn't even sure if I wanted it to be my passion again.

I'm very relieved to have the pendulum swing back in this more satisfying direction - but I'm also wondering why the heck it keeps going back and forth. Does this happen to all scientists (but maybe to a lesser degree)?

What is additionally strange (but I'm not complaining) is my shift in work/life balance attitude. Where I previously envied my friend who could take a year off for maternity leave, and then return to work without missing a beat (she's an ER nurse) - now I'm pretty sure that I would miss doing my research, and that I'd want to get back sooner (much sooner) than a year. In fact, I could even see myself enjoying my work enough to pull those strange hours that I used to think were crazy (like working again at night once the kids are in bed) - as long as I had quality time with the hubby and family too. I used to think that type of lifestyle was unbalanced. Now it seems pretty nice - but only with the major caveat that I really loved what I was doing.

Fears and definitions

I had an appointment with the therapist today (I don't actually know what to call her - a counsellor? therapist? she's a psychologist). It was emotional, as usual - and I think we're making progress.

It's funny because I started going to her when I felt overwhelmed with my career indecision. It was interfering with my regular day to day life, and I recognized that I wasn't handling it well on my own.
I say that it's funny because I had no idea some of the mental and emotional skeletons that have since come to light were interfering in my present (and future) life.

As an example, I was identified as a gifted child in elementary school. I have long since thought that being identified as such from an early age helped shape my self-esteem throughout my childhood. I had positive reinforcement that I was special, that I was smart. And it felt great. It felt great because up until that point, I didn't really feel that I had any other talents or gifts that made me special. And I so desperately wanted to feel special, because it was the only way I could compete with all the attention that my developmentally delayed brother seemed to get. But as a kid, I felt so terribly guilty for any jealousy about the attention my little brother got - after all, I knew that I would end up growing up with more opportunities than him, so it was wrong of me to feel jealous. At least, that's how I handled things when I was a kid. And there were no other siblings - just me and him - and he always had the spotlight, either because of his charming personality, or his special needs. So for me, being smart was the one thing that was mine, that allowed me to feel special, and that drew attention to me.

I held onto this trait so tightly that it has become ingrained in how I define myself. I've always been the smart little girl with glasses (now I'm a grown woman, but still pretty small). Sure I've developed a lot of other characteristics and nurtured some other talents along the way, but by and large, I still think many people would generally mention something about my intelligence if asked to describe me.

And despite my accomplishments throughout my life and career, I still seem to get hung up on the fear or worry that I might not actually be smart (re: special). In academia, most of my peers seem very bright. My star suddenly seems dimmer when it's surrounded by all these other stars. And this somehow affects how I view my accomplishments (maybe it was all good fortune - finding a supportive phD advisor, getting scholarships and fellowships, getting lucky with reviewers for my publications, etc). How else can I explain why I seem to have done so well, despite feeling so insecure?

I need to be able to let go of the label "smart" without feeling like I'm left with nothing. But the little girl is still clinging so tightly to that identity. She doesn't want to just be a little girl with glasses who fades into the background. But I need to do this, or my fear of being "found out," that my good fortune will run out, or that I'm really not so special, will drive my career decision - and that is not what I want.

RBOC

To keep my promise of weekday daily blogging, here are some random bullets (as I don't seem able to muster anything more coherent on a Monday morning).

• the wee babe bouncing around inside my belly has become super active over the course of this weekend - from only noticing its movements a few times a day, to feeling them pretty much throughout the entire day
• I need a nickname for this baby. Calling it just "the baby" or "it" isn't satisfactory. Any ideas?
• I did a whole lot of cleaning this weekend. Then I got to experience sciatica.
• Watched a lot of movies, and tv shows too:
• Hot Fuzz - pretty darned funny. Also it made me want to eat ice cream drumsticks. Mr. Daybyday got bonus points for running out to the store and getting some for me.
• Stranger than Fiction - very charming. And a pretty impressive cast!
• I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - disappointing. Either Adam Sandler is losing his touch, or I'm growing up.
• The Riches - tv show I had never heard about (we don't have cable) - But I'm a big Eddie Izzard fan, so what's not to love??? Also stars Minnie Driver who I also enjoy. So far we've only watched 4 episodes, but I really enjoyed them!
• Meerkat Manor - I fell in love with this series during its first season (didn't know there was a second or a third season until a NY times article announcing the death of one of the main "characters"). Anyway - I'm on episode 3 of season 2.
  
• Xena - I'm starting from the beginning, with episode 1, season 1. I've seen many episodes of the entire series over the years, though I'm not a crazed Xena fan. I have, however, gone out for Halloween as Gabrielle with a friend who dressed as Xena. I just enjoy a good female warrior kicking butt now and then.

• I am desperately trying to hold onto the motivation that seemed to return to me last week (for my research)
• Last night as I was falling asleep, I once again freaked out over the fact that I still don't know what kind of job I want to have when I leave this postdoc in a year or two. But at least I'm sort of narrowing things down. And seeing the counsellor tomorrow.
  

This is for Katie

Poor Katie at Minor Revisions has been having a rather rough time as of late. Luckily she has a friend who convinced her to finally go to the hospital and get her busted up ankle looked at. But in addition to being more or less mobility-challenged for now, Katie also has some stress inducing job interviews on the horizon!

So Katie needs some help to pass the time until her ankle heals, and to help distract her from the anxiety of waiting for the job interview to happen (among other things - go read her blog to get the full update!).

Since Katie almost always has updates on her blog when I'm in need of a distraction, I figured the least I could do was return the favor in her time of need.

And so, although I don't really have anything in particular to blog about, here goes:

Today when I left home to head into the lab I noticed that one of the trees near where I live has gone fiery orange! I love seeing the first signs of fall - it has always been my absolute favorite time of year - perfect temperature, and beautiful colours! Normally the first leaves that change are pretty subtle - but this whole tree looked like it was on fire! It made my day! :)

I've also been re-reading Po Bronson's "What Should I Do With My Life?" I had mentioned in a previous post that I had first read this book while wrapping up my PhD. And since the counsellor that I've been seeing to help me figure out what to do with my career gave me homework (figuring out what part of the world I most want to save/what cause I most want to devote myself to), I thought maybe that book might trigger something.

Anyway, I can't believe how much of that book I had forgotten! I remember a select few stories - but upon re-reading I realize that some of the stories that are most relevant and insightful to me now are ones that I had completely forgotten. So I'm glad that I decided to read this book again, but also a little unsettled that I could forget so much.

Anyway, one of the first few stories that I've re-read in the book talks about a woman who had been looking for her cause her whole life, and finally realized that it had been staring her in the face the whole time. She had been a kidney transplant patient as a young adult - did the long waiting list, dialysis, and suffered through a transplant that her body rejected before finally getting one that stayed. And her mother had even lost a kidney when this woman was younger. Her cause turned out to be related to organ transplant patients, and advocacy and policy for those programs. She left a cushy, but unrewarding job at a big law firm (she had gone through law school in search of her passion), and was unemployed for a year, while volunteering and awaiting her dream job. Luckily things worked out for her, and she did manage to land that dream job.

But what really struck me about her story was that she had a cause in her life all along, but was oblivious to it for so long. It made me wonder what causes I could also be ignoring or not acknowledging in my own life. I tried to think about what made me feel passionate as a kid. I was always a green earth environmentalist as a kid, and I still do have very strong feelings about sustainability. But there is something even more personal in my life that despite all my training in areas like genetics I have avoided beyond a very preliminary interest. My younger brother has a developmental disability. It has a name (which I won't reveal here, for the sake of pseudo anonymity), but it is similar in some ways to Down's Syndrome. There is quite a bit known about the genetics and cognitive abilities of people like my brother, but I could never have gone into actual research about his syndrome because I could never consider my brother a "subject." And I also never thought my brother needed to be "cured."

But because of my parents involvement in issues and advocacy for people with special needs, I have basically been a very informed, experienced advocate myself. For my entire life (well, ever since I can remember anyway). Could this be a cause that has been staring me in the face? I'm not sure how it would fit in with my science training - but I have developed a pretty nice set of skills through my training that can be transferred to non-academic settings.

Well anyway, just some food for thought - and hopefully as I continue to re-read Po Bronson's book there will be more to come.

Impostor syndrome

I have impostor syndrome. I know that I test well, and that I've got an impressive academic CV, but I still have serious doubts about my ability to succeed further in academia. I think this is one of the main reasons why I'm hesitant to continue (and yet, not desperately searching for other careers - because I'm averse to change). I'm so worried that I won't be able to meet the expectations that my performance so far has produced.

However, I don't want to give up. But I also don't want to take on a career that simply stresses me out without providing enough fulfillment in return.

I have been feeling this way for some time - but it was particularly sharpened after getting back from the conference. I wasn't pumped and excited to get back to work. Normally conferences stimulate. There were loads of fascinating talks, and stimulating ideas at this conference, but it just didn't have the desired effect on me this time. When I arrived home after the conference it felt much the same as the time I realized I no longer got a rush from roller coasters anymore. It made me a little sad.

Then I show up to the lab and find mail on my desk announcing that I have been chosen to receive this really awesome, and prestigious award by Hugest Society of My Country - because I am, according to them, a postdoc "with outstanding qualifications in scholarship and research" and they made my research sound so amazing and groundbreakingly important. I was deeply honored.

And yet I still feel as though I've unintentionally fooled them all.

Resisting change

Sometimes I think I'm pretty darned lucky that I was born when I was. Because I'm really not that well adapted, and today's society, at least in the part of the world where I reside, is much more forgiving of my downfalls. Had I been born farther back in the past, I probably would have died from stress related to change.

I have the annoying ability of turning into a nervous wreck over the silliest things. Because at the time, they don't seem silly to me - they seem HUGE. Other times I just get into a funk, without any major breakdown - but it is still frustrating none-the-less.

Case in point: Mr. Daybyday has a new work schedule. This means that I now have a new day to day schedule - our old routine, which was difficult for me, is now gone. I should be happy, ecstatic even! But I find myself struggling to find a new routine that doesn't leave me feeling lost. Our new routine even gives me a bunch more free time on my own - time to do those things that I never end up doing when Mr. Daybyday is around - like really long phone calls with friends.

I know it will just take some time before this new routine becomes comfortable and familiar, but in the mean time I'm sort of annoyed that change has this affect on me. I guess I'm just a creature of habit.

That being said, I do get excited about some changes - like when I think about dream jobs that I do not currently hold. I just need to take that excitement and convert it to action, rather than letting it pass for the sake of maintaining routine.

losing time

Or maybe I'm just losing my mind.

Mr. Daybyday and myself had it in our heads that we had an extra weekend (one more than we actually do) before I leave for my conference. We were even planning to possibly visit friends and family back home for that now non-existent weekend.

I'm still baffled by this. I could have swore I saw that extra weekend on my calendar! But now it is no where to be seen.

Egads, that means I have one less week to practice my talk for the conference.

I have put together my talk and practiced it a couple times now - but I want to get feedback from PA and the group here before I really start getting the talk fixed in my head. I'm not terribly worried, but noticeably more worried than I was when I thought I still had 7 more days than I actually do.

In any case, working on the presentation has been keeping me very busy lately along with submitting the revised version of my manuscript, visiting with friends from out of town, oh, and unexpectedly buying a car!

Mr. Daybyday got a new job that requires him to change his license to the state we currently live in. But that bungles up things with the vehicle that we currently drive, in terms of insurance and the lease contract. I very strongly dislike driving the vehicle that we currently drive (because of a horrible, horrible blind spot it creates for people my size), so I was very excited at the prospect of getting rid of it even though it will end up costing us a bit to do so. Anyway, in the span of about 4 days we went from "hey, wanna buy a used car here and get rid of vehicle you hate?" to "wow, that was the biggest personal cheque I ever wrote" to pay for the new used car we decided to purchase.

Next thing up will be a mortgage. Scary!

So anyway, as rushed as that seems (and it was rushed), we spent a LOT of time investigating potential cars to purchase, which is mostly why I had no free time outside of work to blog - and during work hours I was too busy obsessing over my presentation and manuscript revisions.

And speaking of the manuscript.... Right after I submitted the revisions (which, by the way, took nearly 2 hours just to upload the files and copy and paste the figure legends into the silly online manuscript submission system, which then needed to be corrected to use their silly symbols because special symbols don't paste into the text box), the status of the manuscript said that the revised version was awaiting review. I wasn't sure if it would be sent out to the reviewers again or if the associate editor would just look at the revisions and my letter explaining them (the AE only called for minor revisions). Then about a day later the status changed to "Awaiting Editor in Chief decision" - that usually means the AE has made their decision and reccommends accepting or revisions or rejection and the EIC has to sign off on the decision. But it's been in that status now for DAYS! Don't they know I'm waiting impatiently to find out?

Well in any case I'm hoping that the rapid decision from the AE is a good sign, and that the EIC is just busy or something.

And now I should probably get back to practicing my talk again - right after I check on the manuscript....

Feeling connected

It has been almost a full year since I started this postdoc, and I am just now beginning to feel connected to the people here. I had been at my previous university for nearly a decade (undergrad + phD). I had grown so accustomed to knowing everybody and was quite adept at finding virtually all the ins and outs that it was quite shocking to be transplanted to another country, a new school, and a new lab, where I suddenly felt like the newbie.

When I first started here I was lucky enough to have a former grad school friend show me the ropes (she had started her postdoc here a year before me). I'm sure that I would have been even more distraught if I hadn't had her as my guide. It has taken me a long time to start to feel comfortable here - it didn't help that when I first arrived there was no physical space for me in the lab, so I was all by myself on another floor, in an "overflow" lab. For a brief period of time within the first few weeks there was a brand new grad student in that empty lab with me. We became friends quite quickly, but she soon started her rotations and I was once again alone. I spent the first four months in that overflow lab until a space opened up in the main lab.

On the plus side, however, I was able to do loads of martial art practice in that big empty lab with no one around to see me. AND I had a pretty sweet window right by my desk.

But I gave it all up to have some interaction with my lab mates and be in closer physical proximity to PA's office. It's amazing how reluctant I was to just "pop by" PA's office as he had suggested during the months that I was up in the overflow lab. I didn't want to waste my time to walk down a flight of stairs and into the main lab only to find out PA wasn't around.

I should mention that I was offered a space in the lab next door to the main lab. But the space was quite cramped, and I was warned by a few people that it might be better just to hold out for a proper desk in my lab. Since I knew when the person who was occupying my space in the main lab was leaving I decided to tough it out in the overflow lab. I did end up getting a lot of work done there for my first manuscript with PA. So I guess it wasn't a complete waste.

But now that I am in a the main lab I no longer have my swank window with a view. I don't have a window at all. There are four of us crammed into quite a small space (we are the computational folks in the lab) while the bench jockeys take up the rest of the seats (including all the window seats) in the main space of the lab. Sometimes I'm envious of the postdocs at my old university who got their own offices (typically 2 postdocs per office), with windows and everything, in addition to desk space in the main labs. They were really treated like pseudo-faculty which I thought was pretty cool.

But back to the point of this post. I've been immersed in this lab fully now for almost 6 months and am starting to feel like people finally know who I am. The computational folks I feel very comfortable with now - as I did with the people in my old lab. So that is fantastic! I've also been told that they were relieved to have me here, since the person who sat at my desk before me wasn't the easiest to get along with.

I'm even starting to feel less anxious around PA (I'm still a little concerned that I haven't proven myself to him yet) - but PA told me that my manuscript was the only one from this batch (that he has been involved with) that had made it through review! AND yesterday I had a meeting with him where I ended up suggesting a technique to use for an analysis he wanted to do, and he said excitedly "That's an excellent idea! I hadn't thought to use that technique!" to which I replied "Woohoo!" whilst shaking a celebratory fist in the air.

Stupid nightmare

Okay, given my last post, how totally obvious is the interpretation of this awful dream I had last night:

I found myself suddenly at the big international conference, the day before I am supposed to give my talk. A bunch of my grad school friends are there (even ones that wouldn't be at the conference in reality - that should have been clue #1 that I was dreaming). Then it hits me:

I DIDN'T PREPARE A TALK!!!

I start freaking out internally. How could I have NOT prepared my presentation? How could I have completely forgotten such an important thing - THE major reason I was going to the conference to begin with?! How could PA have let me do such a stupid thing? And again, how could I let me do such a stupid thing?! How the heck did a whole month slide by without me realizing that I hadn't prepared my talk?

So at this point I'm thinking this MUST be a dream. I pinch myself. Repeatedly. I'm not sure what that was supposed to accomplish, but I'm still at the conference, still very much freaking out.

Then I get all high and mighty and decide I will boycott my talk. After all, I have no slides. What else could I do? Yes. I just won't give my talk. But how bad would that look? I'm supposed to give this competition talk, and I just blow it off? I can't do that....

Sigh.

Okay, maybe I can somehow manage to put together my talk. I'll just reuse most of the presentation slides from the last conference - except there were a few things that absolutely have to be changed from my old slides. Alright, find someone with a laptop and internet access - then I'll access my computer at work with the presentation files and hopefully be able to modify the slides and then at least I'll have a presentation to give.

So I find one of my friends, and she lets me use her laptop - but I'm all upset because I know that even if I can somehow fix up the presentation slides I still have to practice my talk, which means I'll likely miss a bunch of the seminars during the first day in order to do that.

More signals that should have clued me into this being a dream: my former lab-mate, who is about to defend his PhD in real life, somehow managed to be the opening keynote speaker for the conference. Followed by by former advisor. And then another one of my friends (guess I didn't have much creativity for "extras" in my dream).

And then FINALLY, after I had just remembered how I verbally introduced the first slide of my talk at the previous conference, I woke up.

THANK DOG.

stupid stupid stupid. Why am I stressing myself out in my sleep?! Arg.

random update

I am SO close to finishing all the revisions for my latest manuscript. Just a few more edits after which I'll send the revised version to PA. Then hopefully we can send it back to the associate editor for publication! That would be delightful.

Then I have to start worrying about an upcoming conference and the talk I'll be giving there. When I registered for the conference and requested to give a talk, I also decided to try for one of those sort of "prestige" talks that they offer for recent phD students and new postdocs - a small number of the applicants are selected to give talks to the entire mass of conference attendees (no concurrent sessions). I guess I jazzed up my abstract enough to catch their attention and got myself selected! Woohoo! But also, "OH CRAP!"

I was so nervous preparing for my talk at the smallish conference I attended earlier this year - I just know I'll be more nervous for this one, and I don't look forward to that part. I really hope I get over this quickly. I've given plenty of talks to audiences throughout my academic life - but conferences still get to me. Well at least my talk will be during the first few days of the conference, rather than at the very end.

Aside from that I've been extremely happy to have Mr. Daybyday back home with me. He brought home with him some amazing stories and pictures from his adventure. Maybe next time I will be able to go with him.

And I'm still very much on the fence about this whole academic career thing. I think I'm just too scared to make an actual decision. I should probably start contacting some of the people I know who do research in government labs to set up some informational interviews. I just don't feel like I've done enough to prepare for those yet. Damn, I'm good at procrastinating.

A Void

Boy, I hadn't realized how co-dependent I have become until now. Mr. Daybyday has been out of town for a few days and I feel like the husband who is lost without his wife there to take care of him.

The first day, after dropping him off and returning home I was like a housecat that makes it out the front door and then freezes in place on the front porch - amazed at the possibilities and simultaneously shocked at being outside. This is usually when the cat's human companion scoops them up and brings them back inside to restore order in the universe. But I had no human companion to scoop me up. So I just sat on the floor with our two feline companions instead.

Then I went sort of manic and did a bunch of housework and organizing. I even did some crafty/photo album stuff that I've been meaning to do. Then I felt this really strange rumbling in my stomach and realized that it was about 4 hours after when Mr. Daybyday would have made dinner for us - if he had been there, which he wasn't. So I quickly went to make something to eat. I was an independent woman before meeting Mr. D, and cooked for myself all the time - but Mr. D has a passion (and talent) for cooking, so he is the head chef in our home, and I guess I've gotten quite used to my role as just a sous chef. Needless to say, my lone vegetarian chik'n burger looked pretty pathetic being cooked on its own.

In the following days I've missed just about every regular meal time and only really noticed it was time to eat once my stomach started making noises. I'm a little angry with myself for not being more on the ball.

What's worse than the meal-mishaps, however, is that I've been completely preoccupied since I woke up the second day from a very erotic dream. Now I've got sex on the brain almost non-stop, and it's very frustrating. I'm a pro-active kind of girl, and I've tried to take care of this distraction, but it only goes into hiding for a little while. I think I must be ovulating or something.

Well anyway I've got some of my old grad school friends coming into town soon so I'll have some people to keep me company until Mr. D returns. And they'll probably help to keep me on a regular eating schedule too.

I wonder if this is what Mr. D feels like when I leave him to go to conferences? He probably eats better. Gosh I miss him.

What keeps you awake at night?

I attended a seminar recently where the speaker responded to a question from the audience with "Now that is what keeps me awake at night!" The speaker was implying that the question raised by the audience member was something that worried or troubled the speaker to no end. And they were talking about a specific aspect of the research presented.

When science keeps me awake at night, it's not usually because my results make no sense to me, rather it is usually when I've been stumped by a coding problem and the solution suddenly pops into my head and I'm trying my hardest to make sure I don't forget the solution by the time I wake up the next morning.

And even those instances are rare. Science does not usually keep me awake at night, unless you allow your definition of science to include wondering where the universe came from, if there was anything before the universe as we know it, and what happens after we die.

Those types of thoughts tend to frequent my mind as I try to fall asleep - and I usually push them aside because I've had them enough to know that I never really get any satisfactory answers from them and they usually just end up making me feel sad and alone (even with my husband right there beside me!).

I used to wish that I could see how all this turns out. So that after I die I could be a spectator and see how far the world "advances" and what becomes of us. I think that means I am pretty attached to this world.

Anyway, I wonder what keeps other people awake at night. And I wonder if it is typically related to stressors in our lives, or if some scientists are kept awake by science because they simply love thinking about it.

Losing control

While trying to chose an appropriate title for this post, I accidentally realized what has been causing my unsettling feelings since the decision was made to no longer prevent a pregnancy. What scares me and worries me the most about this situation (and most situations that I obsess about) is the plethora of "what if"s.

What if I can't handle being a parent? What if it is the wrong decision for me? What if I try my best and it just isn't enough? All these worries, and I don't even know if we will be able to get pregnant.

The commonality, however, is that they all revolve around me having some vague notion of control over my life. Right now I feel as though I am in control, more or less, of my life. Sure there are a billion things that contributed to where I am now that I had no control over, and lots more that continue to lead me along this path or that - but for some reason I worry that becoming a parent, or even just getting pregnant will suddenly loosen whatever grip I feel I have on the reigns.

I've known that I am a control freak for a long time. I don't really like the term as it suggests that most people don't like being in control, and those that are, well, they're freaks. That's just silly. The whole idea of free will is based upon having some control, and owning it. Isn't it? Well in any case, I don't want to have control over everything - but there is a tipping point, it seems, in my mind, where if I have less control than that, I start to feel helpless. And I worry that being a parent will take me to that limit or beyond. Scares the hell out of me.

This should be an adventure - we can't always control what happens to us, only how we react to what happens to us. But I find that I am talking myself into the idea of becoming a parent - maybe that's only because this feeling of wanting a baby of my own is so new. So I question it, just as I question most of my new purchases ("Do I really need this? Do I really like it?") and decisions (I used to feel sick after re-arranging the furniture - not physically ill, but anxious at the very least). Maybe I just don't trust myself, or maybe I'm just being neurotic and need to calm the hell down.

I'm just scared because not knowing if I can get pregnant, or when it will happen, or how it will affect my life is a little unsettling for me - so many unknowns - so many things that I don't know if I have any control over. Well at least I have a terrific partner who's willing to see me through this, and knows me well enough to make me bring my head out of the sand every now and then.