New mantra

"Everything will be fine."

The more I hear people tell me this, and the more I repeat it to myself, the more comfort I feel, even if I know that nobody can possibly know for sure.

On Tuesday morning, Mr. Daybyday and I went for a typical second trimester ultrasound. Unfortunately, the measurements made by the sonographer were not completely what expectant parents hope for. The ventricles in our baby's brain appear enlarged. I was shocked and devastated. The doctor who came to talk to us after the ultrasound told us that at this point they really have no idea what it means. Everything else looked great, and they've had another case where things cleared up on their own as the pregnancy progressed.

I know that anything affecting the brain is worrisome - and also terribly hard to predict the outcome. There is just so much that we don't know. I also know that no matter what, I would never consider terminating this pregnancy. I have no religious convictions about that sort of thing, I'm just completely and totally attached to this baby - I would do anything to keep it safe.

And so, we are being sent to specialists to monitor and give us more information on our situation. The specialists are about an hour and a half away from where we live.

It's so scary. And even when I'm having a good moment, the emotions are still right there just below the surface, and come pouring out at the slightest provocation. So I just try not to be alone, and to keep repeating "Everything will be fine."

I look at the pictures we have from the ultrasound, and they make me happier. The baby looks great! And continues to be active, and increasingly more active.

Part of me wishes I could keep the baby inside me forever, to protect it and keep it safe. And yet, I'm still so anxious to meet him/her and to hold them in my arms and kiss the top of their head.

I had been putting off blogging because I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about this, or if I wanted to post about this at all. But sometimes keeping things in makes them harder to deal with.

So for now, I'm just trying to enjoy the moment - I choose to be optimistic, and will try my best to continue living my life as I normally would. I continue to struggle with banishing my worries - but that's where the mantra comes in handy. Also I have to stop researching things on the internet because it just scares me more.

Everything will be fine.