Impostor syndrome

I have impostor syndrome. I know that I test well, and that I've got an impressive academic CV, but I still have serious doubts about my ability to succeed further in academia. I think this is one of the main reasons why I'm hesitant to continue (and yet, not desperately searching for other careers - because I'm averse to change). I'm so worried that I won't be able to meet the expectations that my performance so far has produced.

However, I don't want to give up. But I also don't want to take on a career that simply stresses me out without providing enough fulfillment in return.

I have been feeling this way for some time - but it was particularly sharpened after getting back from the conference. I wasn't pumped and excited to get back to work. Normally conferences stimulate. There were loads of fascinating talks, and stimulating ideas at this conference, but it just didn't have the desired effect on me this time. When I arrived home after the conference it felt much the same as the time I realized I no longer got a rush from roller coasters anymore. It made me a little sad.

Then I show up to the lab and find mail on my desk announcing that I have been chosen to receive this really awesome, and prestigious award by Hugest Society of My Country - because I am, according to them, a postdoc "with outstanding qualifications in scholarship and research" and they made my research sound so amazing and groundbreakingly important. I was deeply honored.

And yet I still feel as though I've unintentionally fooled them all.